- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
I haven’t posted about this because I was really really really upset about it at the time, and just hoped it would go away. So I’m hoping you all can give some advice (or just hugs) for this situation.
I’ll start by saying that Darling Husband didn’t have the greatest of childhood relationships with his father. His parents are divorced and his dad was pretty MIA from Darling Husband & BIL’s childhood, never paid child support, would promise to show up but didn’t, would routinely leave them literally on the side of a river so he could go fishing when he did have them, generally not a great dad. Mother-In-Law struggled but got both boys through university and they are both wonderful people.
When I first met Darling Husband he told me his dad would never be present at his wedding. Over time, I encouraged a friendship between them to grow, and we would visit with my Father-In-Law and his wife a few times a year. This was partially also for the sake of my stepson, we wanted him to have a good relationship with all his grandparents. Father-In-Law and SMIL have been wonderful grandparents, and I honestly can’t help but feel if my Father-In-Law is making up for the mistakes he made with his own sons.
Leading up to the wedding, I knew we wouldn’t be able to do everything to please everyone because there were so many politics and emotions floating around. We made the decision not to include Father-In-Law and his wife in the receiving line because we didn’t feel it would be appropriate. They were not involved in the planning (or really in DH’s childhood) and the idea of someone saying thank you to them made me uncomfortable. I had asked Darling Husband if he wanted a formal photo with his dad and stepmom, and he said no. In hindsight, I really should have pushed him to agree with it, but I didn’t and that’s my one regret. Darling Husband was very adamant about the roles and boundaries of where his father was to be involved in our wedding day and I respected that. Father-In-Law and SMIL walked down the aisle, had boutineers, were in the program, etc.
Father-In-Law and SMIL gave us a very thoughtful “day” on our honeymoon. They arranged massages for us, sent down hand written notes for us to read at breakfast and dinner, and had photos of all of us at the wedding put up in our room (a little weird but the thought was nice). It was very very nice of them and we expressed our gratitude many times.
Fast forward about 4 months. SMIL writes passive aggressive notes on some of my Facebook albums from the wedding about Father-In-Law not being in the photos. I delete them and message her to ask her if she wants to talk about something. We talk on the phone and this HUGE drama unravels that I swear to you was entirely in her head. Apparently our entire wedding day was constructed to hurt her and my Father-In-Law. Darling Husband and I are evil people who exist to torture them. Here are a list of her apparent complaints (I wish I were joking):
- Darling Husband and I signed the license and registry before the ceremony and he made a joke to his dad about us being already married. SMIL accused us of having a sham of a wedding thinking we had eloped or something. I quickly straightened her out and she apologized, but I can only guess how many people she told first.
- My parents didn’t acknowledge my Father-In-Law and SMIL in their speech. They’ve met twice. She wanted them to say that she had had them over and we “all had a lovely roast together”. I’m not kidding.
- We didn’t take a photo together. I completely agree with this and apologized. I wish I could change it but I can’t.
- Mother-In-Law didn’t want to walk down the aisle with Father-In-Law. Nooooo kidding.
- Darling Husband and my BIL should “just get over it” in regards to their childhood because hers was worse and it’s not like my Father-In-Law ever took them to a crackhouse or anything. Yep. She said that.
- I didn’t do enough to make them feel like the stars of our wedding day.
- I wouldn’t let her be a bridesmaid.
- I told her wearing a long white dress to my wedding was not appropriate.
- They weren’t in the receiving line.
Darling Husband and his dad talked, hashed things out, and have continued on with their friendship as is. Everything is fine. They agreed that my Father-In-Law & SMIL’s involvement in the wedding was appropriate as to their relationship and level of involvement in our life. She kept dragging things on and on and on. When you thought things could get worse, they did. I blocked her on FB and told her I needed a break. That didn’t go well.
I feel I should also mention that throughout our wedding day, she sat with a sourpuss on her face from start to finish. She got trashed and literally pole danced on a big wooden column at our reception. Father-In-Law sent her home and was clearly embarassed by her behaviour.
Over the past few months, I’ve felt sad that the small relationship we had got tossed aside so harshly by her and I was disappointed at how cruel and vindictive she had acted towards me and Darling Husband. She emailed me today to ask if I wanted to get together for coffee and I honestly don’t know what to do. She said some really harsh things and literally ripped apart fragile relationships for no reason other than what I think was her own amusement. She loves drama. I’m going to discuss it with Darling Husband and I’m leaning towards meeting with her next week, but honestly, I’m already stressed and concerned about what she might say. She owes both me and Darling Husband a huge apology, but I know I’m never going to get one and that she expects me to apologize instead.
Part of me is very suspicious about the timing of his. Darling Husband told me that Father-In-Law and SMIL aren’t talking to cousins of his any more (her closest friends I believe) because they finally realized said cousins are pretty much not very nice people and will only stay friends with you so long as they can use you for something. They’ve had a falling out and now I think she’s looking for a new “bff”.
If you made it to the end, congratulations. Sorry this is so long, it’s been a long few months and a lot bottled up. Any words of advice or support are appreciated.