Post # 1
I am currently a BM in a wedding for a friend getting married in several weeks. She was BM for me last year.
She has turned into a nightmarish bridezilla. Huge mega-shower with the sole purpose of raising money so they can have a free honeymoon (the groom has actually said so much.) Elaborate weekend-away bachelorette party for a divorced mother-of-two. Inability to even spell my name correctly on the invitation. Actually inquiring six months before the wedding if everyone has squared away their shoes (that i get!) and “proper undergarments” (are you going to check!?!?) Hammering me with questions and details about things that no one but the bride could POSSIBLY care about, but obviously having little regard for what anyone says. “Inadvertantly” insulting the things/ways/whatevers I had at my own wedding. Even her mother is a nightmare (she yelled at me twice at the megashower!)
So, here’s my conundrum. She was actually a great BM for me. But after the wedding, we never receieved a gift from her. I let it go. IT wasn’t about the gifts, I didn’t care, and I questioned if she could have afforded it. She had a lot on her plate, etc etc. But now that I am dealing with HER as a bride (bridezilla at that!)… I wonder- should I bother giving her anything? My gut says rise above and give her one. (I plan to scale it back, regardless, from the “normal” wedding gift I would give, to something smaller.) But then I think about the stress she’s causing and think hey, I’ll just use the precedent she set.
I am doing some serious re-evaluation of this friendship after the wedding. I signed up for this, so I will show up to the wedding, dressed as she wants, smile for the pictures, and then do some serious thinking when I get home.
Thoughts? Rise above and suck it up, or can I just play by the rules she made?
Post # 2
ZChick17: I’d probably suck it up. It sucks to “be the better person” or “take the high road”, but … well … sometimes ya gotta. Maybe nothing too pricey though.
Post # 3
Suck it up and get her a nice gift. Even if you’re more distant after the wedding, at least you’ll know that on your end, you left things on good terms.
Post # 4
ZChick17: Maybe get her some “chill pills”
Post # 5
A wedding gift is supposed to be based on the closeness of the relationship as well as your budget. Based on what you say, this wedding has already cost you plenty and you are questioning the relationship going forward. I wouldn’t stiff her, but I’d likely give a gift that is somewhat less generous than my usual.
Post # 6
ZChick17: SHE MISSPELLED YOUR NAME ON THE INVITATION!!???!??!!
Post # 7
I probably wouldn’t get her a gift… she can’t even spell your name. Get her a card.
Post # 8
Meh. I’d do the same as she did for you. I don’t think it will matter either way, do you?
Post # 9
Maybe it wasn’t the invitation, but it’s been misspelled multiple times. I think the invitation might have been addressed to “mr and mrs husbands name.” I have one of those classic 80’s names that has 15 spellings. She knows me by a shortened form. (for the sake of anonymity, we’ll say my name is Alison, but she frequently misspells it Allison, because she always calls me Ali) But yes, anytime she has to write my entire name, it’s spelled wrong. Which, all thigns considered, i guess is small potatoes in this story. ugh.
Post # 10
ItWasntMe: nah, you’re probably right. i ust dont know if i want to stoop to that level you know?
Post # 11
ZChick17: I’m sorry, you lost me at she MISPELLED your name?! I would say get her what you feel comfortable doing within your budget. If she can’t take the time to spell your name right then I wouldn’t put in too much effort picking her gift.
Post # 12
ItWasntMe: My thoughts as well. I would definitely at least get her a card and write something nice in it, though.
However, OP, it sounds like you do want to be a nicer person than I’d be and get her a small gift, so you should. Do it for you and not for her, though. (if you get my drift)
Post # 13
Oh, I’m doing cash. She didn’t register for anything except the honeymoon registry, and that’s not my cup of tea. My standard wedding gift in the past (when both my boyfriend/fiance/now husband) and I were both invited was $100. I think I’m going to scale back to $50.
Post # 14
See…I don’t think you can win in this situation if she’s been as awful as you’ve described. Your gift probably won’t be appreciated as in ‘not enough’, so nothing you do will potentially make her happy.
I’d cut my losses, so to speak, and move on after the wedding.
Post # 15
ZChick17: Eh, I’m all for being the better person but I wouldn’t give a gift in this scenario. But if you think she’s going to b*tch at you after the wedding for not getting her a gift, then I’d probably just give something to avoid the drama.