Post # 1
Need opinions!! I was recently married and apparantly my husband had borrowed some money from a sibling about 1 1/2 years ago. Part of this dept was paid right away but then nothing was paid since then. I did not even know he had borrowed the money. We were told about a week after the wedding they have decided to use their “wedding gift” money they were going to give us and clear the dept. Is this right? It was never discussed prior to the wedding? No mention of the money has been made in the 1 1/2 year that he has owed it. I don’t think a wedding is the time to call in a debt…especially without discussing it with your brother first. We do not plan on mixing all our finances right away and we have agreed that the wedding money is to be used towards buying a house and not paying off our separate debts. We should be able to do that with the income with both make. Am I wrongg? The way I see it, she did not give me a wedding gift; she gave her brother one. One other piece of information. My husbands sibling is more than comfortable with money so this had nothing to do with a shortage or money.
Just to state, I believe he should pay the dept back…actually should have paid it off already and she should have tgalked with him about paying it off monthly. But I don’t think you call in your debt on your brothers wedding day. Ok..ready for comments!!
Post # 3
It sort of worries me that your husband never mentioned this debt to you. Maybe he forgot about it though. I guess I understand her not wanting to buy a gift because he owed her this money but maybe she was just nervous about asking him to pay it back. Business and family overlapping make a lot of people uncomfortable.
Post # 4
That is something that should be discussed between the two of them. Now that you are married his debts are your and your debts are his. I would let it go. It is not worth a family squabble.
Post # 5
Hmmm. I think it is a little strange, but NOT worth picking a fight over with the sister. Depending on the amount of money, this may have been in her mind a rather generous gift. I see your point about how you two plan on integrating your funds over time, but the chances that she knew this are slim, right?
So basically, mum to the sister is the only way to go.
If this has thrown your financial situation with FI out of wack, though, you could negotiate a plan where he “repays” the debt to the house fund. If, for example, his sister forgave a $1000 debt, then you could ask him to pay the $1000 from his discretionary funds to your house savings. Personally, I’m not sure I would go there unless you two have a very structured approach to Mine, Yours, and Ours. If you do, though, this might be the best solution.
Post # 6
It seems like a tidy enough solution. Yes it’s a gift to ‘him’ and not to ‘you’ but as a married couple it’s all ‘yours’. And I don’t see anytihng wrong with family giving gifts that are more about one half of the couple than the other.
I wouldn’t look at it as her calling in the debt – it was a gift – as a gift she forgave the debt – that’s pretty nice. Isn’t having a husband that has fewer debts also a gift to you?
I can see how a reminder of a debt in connection with a wedding is :(. Doesn’t seem the right time or place. But.
Certainly I think your husband was more at fault than she is. Ignoring a debt for a year and a half is a much worse breach of etiquette than forgiving a debt even if it’s done not entirely graciously. So I would just forget about it and bear no grudge because she didn’t give a gift you thought appropriate etc. Money is money.
Post # 7
@monitajb:I appreciate all the feedback. It was a $1000 she washed out and it really has no effect on our financial situation. I just would never do that to someone unless it was there idea. He was out of a job for a little while and needed to pay some of his bills. I have a sone from a prior relationship which is why I wanted to keep some things separate. I pay alot of things for my sons sports. He is fifteen and have always taken care of him myself. I welcome any help my husband can give me but I still feel he is my responsibility and I need to always make sure I can take care of him.
I just think it’s tasteless. You don’t do that to someone…especially your brother whom you know fell on hardtimes. I think you give a gift and then maybe sometime after the wedding mention to him that now he is working full time, maybe he can start paying off the debt. I am just as mad at him for not telling me about this but mostly for not paying her some payments in the year and a half.
Post # 8
I would let it go! They don’t know how your finances are set up and nor should they and they are assuming that as a couple the debt is both of yours!
Post # 9
@Lynn2112: I hear you, it is odd. However, look at it from her POV. She could:
1) Ask for the money while you are saving for the wedding.
2) Give you cash, and then some time afterwards turn around and ask for her money back.
Neither of these sound like awesome options.
The truth is, there are plenty of well meaning, but socially inept people out there. I would chalk this up to being well meaning but inept. My benefit of the doubt conception of her thought process is: “Lynn knows about the debt, but they have so many costs with the wedding! It is awkward to bring it up while they are saving for something so important, so how about I just forgive the debt as a wedding present!” Yeah, a little off, but not that bad. I would assume the best of her, and just roll your eyes at her awkwardness.