So our wedding was a few weeks ago. We just got back from our honeymoon and have starting writing thanks yous. Quite a few of our close friends (and even some bridesmaids and groomsmen) did not give us gifts. I know this is so trivial, but It's just something I would not do myself. Do you think the gifts are still on the way - or should we not expect them? Anyone else have a similar experience? I am trying not to worry about it...our wedding was wonderful and I hope they just enjoyed it.
when we wrote out our thank you cards using the guest list template, I too was surprised at who didn't send a gift. Not to be a gift grub- just kind of unexpected.
You never know when you will get gifts. I went to a wedding two weeks ago but I had just paid the deposit for our caterer the day before the wedding and I was tapped out on cash for non essentials. However, I did send a gift this week.
Don't get too upset. You never know people's financial situation. I agree it sucks but don't get mad about it.
From wedding guests, I think it's distasteful. My fiance's friend was married in June and invited a lot of "college friends" all of which brought dates. I read on one of their myspaces the "story" of the night. I guess one guy thought to buy a card which they all signed (like 12 of them) and figured that was a good enough gift. They all got incredibly drunk and stole the cake. Yes. They stole the cake. To make matters worse it was then dropped on a lady in a wheel chair.
This group of friends is also invited to our wedding. Funny, eh?
I don't think it's necessary for the bridal party to give you gifts. They have to pay for their suit/tux rentals, dress, shoes, etc.. Plus, they typically throw you showers, bachelorette parties, etc... or if they don't throw it participate which costs money.
agree with maureen - for the wedding party - they have likely already spent a fair amount of money on the wedding, so they may consider that their gift. Or perhaps something is on backorder. you never know, but if you let go of expectations now, you may have a pleasant surprise later.
Maybe I'm naive, but I don't believe that anybody should have to do anything. I remember being poor and in college, and just paying to get to the wedding was essentially my gift.
Doctorgirl is not naive. According to etiquette, no one is actually obligated to give you a gift at all. I agree that it's nicer when people do, especially since you may have spent hundreds of dollars per person on hosting your wedding, but they don't have to.
I'm with doctorgirl. And even though I'm no longer in college it's still all I can do just to attend the wedding, much less spring for that beautiful shiny something on the registry (as much as I desperately want to).
Gifts are gifts and NOT a requirement.
It's nice getting presents but that's not (I hope) why you invited your guests, right? They're there because you're important to each other and want to celebrate your union together. It's like telling your bridesmaid she can step down if she can't "afford" to stand up with you. I've never understood that.
I'd say send your (very prompt, nicely done ) thank you notes and anything else that comes along is a very pleasant surprise!
i can't disagree more with the "if you don't get it at the wedding you'll never get it." The MAJORITY of our gifts came in the weeks after the wedding. We even got one last week...2 months after our wedding. Some people just won't give gifts of course...I'd forget about it. No need to worry about that.
I understand that you'd feel a little offput, given that these are your close friends, not just acquaintances. I agree, however, that your bridesmaids/groomsmen shouldn't be expected to give gifts on top of the expenses they have already incurred on your behalf. As for the others, you never know. I'm also not sure if your wedding involved a lot of travel/extra lodging costs for those close friends, in which case, they might not have had the money to bring a nice gift on top of all the money spent. And if you're younger and your friends are young, then it could just be a financial thing. But ultimately, I wouldn't fixate on it anymore, and if something comes in the mail later on, then consider a pleasant surprise :). People frequently will give late birthday gifts, why not late wedding gifts too?
Personally though, I wouldn't show up at a good friend's wedding without at least something, if only one small item from the registry and a card. I too remember attending weddings in college, when the above was pretty much all I could afford. But it just seemed a little impolite to arrive empty-handed.
Did you at least get a card from them? No guest is obligated to send a gift, but most well-brought-up people will at least send a card expressing their good wishes. After all, how much does that cost? A couple of our elderly relatives who don't have much just wrote us long letters telling us how happy they are, and that was much appreciated.
FYI - I was also surprised at who didn't give us either a card or a gift - some of FI's friends who are supposedly (or they would have us believe) QUITE well off. And we invited them to both the wedding and the RD, so they got two quite nice meals off us.
We've waited three weeks now, and have finished writing all the thank you notes to people who actually brought or sent cards or gifts, so we went ahead and wrote them little notes thanking them for coming to the wedding. Hopefully if they actually did send a gift, and it just hasn't arrived (some Macy's stuff seems terminally back-ordered) that will be their clue to let us know it's on its way. Otherwise - it's just good information for the future, right? Next time we all go out for dinner and it looks like somebody didn't throw in enough money towards the check, I'll be pretty sure who that was...
I know and believe that no one is expected to give a gift and one should just appreciate that they took their time to come (even more true in our DW case).
However, I would NEVER consider going to a wedding empty-handed or without having a gift already chosen, sent, whatever. I have sent a gift late before but never no gift at all. If they are my friend, that's the least I can do (IMHO).
I'd like to revise my statement... I realize I wasn't really clear and it sounded sort of snobbish.
I think it's distasteful of guests to not bring a gift when:
1 . They bring univited dates
2. They drink enough to pass out mid-reception, wake up, and do it again.
3. They heckle your speakers
4. They dirty dance in front of your grandparents with their dates and then post on personal pages because it's funny.
5. Steal your wedding cake and drop on Great Aunt Betty who is paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheel chair.
Even if you're in college. You should pay for your stupidity in some way. :)
I myself am a college kid, but if I don't plan on acting appropiatley- then I definitley bring something (not that I would ever steal a cake :). I don't consider a gift to be a monetary present- possibly a cheap bottle of wine, case of beer, if you're real sentimental a special photo.
really depends...are you all students? If not, I would say that there might be a chance you might still receive gifts. If you guys are students, sometimes financial freedom is a bit limited and there are times where it's hard to even give gifts at the most appropriate occasions
I got married 2 months ago and the majority of our wedding party did not buy us presents, but neither of us were worried about that. We had a great shower, bachelor and bachelorette party. We knew the financial situation of all our friends and their presence at our wedding was more important than the gift.
As for the rest of our guests, we were surprised at who didn't give us presents, but we weren't put off by it.We sent Thank You notes to every single person who came to our wedding, because we truly appreciated their presence there. Throughout the past couple months we have received presents; we actually received a present from some friends 2 days ago.
I wouldn't worry too much about the presents. The wedding isn't about gifts, it is about celebrating you and your husband.
I know the wedding isn't about gifts of course, but I think it's hard not to feel even a little slighted if friends close enough to be in the bridal party don't at least give a card. When I was in college and just out of college, I would often go in with one or two friends to buy an item I wouldn't have otherwise afforded. I live in an area where it's common to bring gifts to the wedding, so I would definitely feel weird showing up with nothing.
That being said, last year my friend was MOH in a wedding for one of her best friends. She was so busy helping with wedding stuff, taking pictures, etc., that she forgot the gift in the car and didn't realize it until it was too late! She and the couple lived in different states, and I think it took quite awhile before she ever mailed the gift.
So give it a little time--you can never be sure of why someone didn't give a gift in the first place, and if one never shows up, then I think you just have to let it go and be happy that they could be a part of your wedding.
Good for you for getting those thank you notes already!
Like some other posters have said, I would *never* come to a wedding empty handed (there's always my standby gift of nice but cheap wine glasses from Pottery Barn -- $4 a glass!). And if I'm your BM, if I'm considering my presence my gift to you, I'd supplement it with a picture of us in a nice frame, or a scrapbook of your wedding planning process, or something like that. However, I think some of the PPs are right -- you'd be surprised at how cheap people are, especially when their discretionary income right now may be going towards gas or groceries, with the economy is bad as it is. That still doesn't make it right, but you should be the better person here. What Suzanno did sounds very appropriate -- send a note thanking them for coming, and maybe you'll end up being surprised. And if not, poo on them.
@maureen -- are you FREAKIN serious?!? How did they steal the cake?? I hope you've got someone watching these people for your wedding...
Ok, I am one of these people who forget to send presents. Now, usually it's for weddings we can't attend, because I don't have a deadline (wedding day), but I've been known to forget even if I'm going. I still owe my husband's cousin a gift and they've been married for a year and 3 months. I send a gift for every invitation I receive, no matter if we attend or not...sometimes it just takes a LOT longer. :)
As for the idiots that stole your friends cake...NO WAY! I would have died. Poor Aunt Betty. I would get the message to them that if something like that happens at your wedding, you're taking it out on their (car, house, ass!) I would seriously be that angry. I hate stupid people!
If your guests have to travel (especially from far away) I would not expect a gift. I went to a destination wedding which cost me almost $2,000 last summer and did not bring a gift for that reason.
You should also not expect a gift from those in your bridal party. They have already given you the gift of their presence, and help, along with paying for the expenses necessary to be a part of your day.
For everyone else I would expect something - not necessarily something expensive, but atleast a card. Having been through 8 years of college I understand that finances can be tough but you can always afford a $20 gift wrapped up nicely. I know it sounds rude to some, but I would expect something from people who live in my hometown and did not have to travel for the wedding.
That being said, we are asking for Charitable donations for our wedding gifts. It's one thing for people to say to themselves "oh they have everything they don't need a gift" but it will be difficult for them to say the same thing about giving to charity :)
So our wedding was a few weeks ago. We just got back from our honeymoon and have starting writing thanks yous. Quite a few of our close friends (and even some bridesmaids and groomsmen) did not give us gifts. I know this is so trivial, but It's just something I would not do myself. Do you think the gifts are still on the way - or should we not expect them? Anyone else have a similar experience? I am trying not to worry about it...our wedding was wonderful and I hope they just enjoyed it.
posted by shanaG 5 posts 3 months agoyeah....that happens.
Technically guests have a year to send a gift.
when we wrote out our thank you cards using the guest list template, I too was surprised at who didn't send a gift. Not to be a gift grub- just kind of unexpected.
posted by beesknees 269 posts 3 months agoDon't count on it, if u don't receive it during the wedding you'll never get it. You'll be surprised some people are amazingly cheap!!
posted by happybridetobe 6 posts 3 months agoYou never know when you will get gifts. I went to a wedding two weeks ago but I had just paid the deposit for our caterer the day before the wedding and I was tapped out on cash for non essentials. However, I did send a gift this week.
Don't get too upset. You never know people's financial situation. I agree it sucks but don't get mad about it.
posted by cassoftroy 15 posts 3 months agoFrom wedding guests, I think it's distasteful. My fiance's friend was married in June and invited a lot of "college friends" all of which brought dates. I read on one of their myspaces the "story" of the night. I guess one guy thought to buy a card which they all signed (like 12 of them) and figured that was a good enough gift. They all got incredibly drunk and stole the cake. Yes. They stole the cake. To make matters worse it was then dropped on a lady in a wheel chair.
This group of friends is also invited to our wedding. Funny, eh?
I don't think it's necessary for the bridal party to give you gifts. They have to pay for their suit/tux rentals, dress, shoes, etc.. Plus, they typically throw you showers, bachelorette parties, etc... or if they don't throw it participate which costs money.
posted by maureen9004 256 posts 3 months agoagree with maureen - for the wedding party - they have likely already spent a fair amount of money on the wedding, so they may consider that their gift. Or perhaps something is on backorder. you never know, but if you let go of expectations now, you may have a pleasant surprise later.
posted by missm 483 posts 3 months agoMaybe I'm naive, but I don't believe that anybody should have to do anything. I remember being poor and in college, and just paying to get to the wedding was essentially my gift.
Don't be mad... just appreciate them for coming.
posted by doctorgirl 151 posts 3 months agoDoctorgirl is not naive. According to etiquette, no one is actually obligated to give you a gift at all. I agree that it's nicer when people do, especially since you may have spent hundreds of dollars per person on hosting your wedding, but they don't have to.
posted by shnoogles 21 posts 3 months agoI'm with doctorgirl. And even though I'm no longer in college it's still all I can do just to attend the wedding, much less spring for that beautiful shiny something on the registry (as much as I desperately want to).
Gifts are gifts and NOT a requirement.
It's nice getting presents but that's not (I hope) why you invited your guests, right? They're there because you're important to each other and want to celebrate your union together. It's like telling your bridesmaid she can step down if she can't "afford" to stand up with you. I've never understood that.
I'd say send your (very prompt, nicely done
) thank you notes and anything else that comes along is a very pleasant surprise!
posted by caitlanc 41 posts 3 months agoi can't disagree more with the "if you don't get it at the wedding you'll never get it." The MAJORITY of our gifts came in the weeks after the wedding. We even got one last week...2 months after our wedding. Some people just won't give gifts of course...I'd forget about it. No need to worry about that.
posted by BaghdadBride 205 posts 3 months agoI understand that you'd feel a little offput, given that these are your close friends, not just acquaintances. I agree, however, that your bridesmaids/groomsmen shouldn't be expected to give gifts on top of the expenses they have already incurred on your behalf. As for the others, you never know. I'm also not sure if your wedding involved a lot of travel/extra lodging costs for those close friends, in which case, they might not have had the money to bring a nice gift on top of all the money spent. And if you're younger and your friends are young, then it could just be a financial thing. But ultimately, I wouldn't fixate on it anymore, and if something comes in the mail later on, then consider a pleasant surprise :). People frequently will give late birthday gifts, why not late wedding gifts too?
Personally though, I wouldn't show up at a good friend's wedding without at least something, if only one small item from the registry and a card. I too remember attending weddings in college, when the above was pretty much all I could afford. But it just seemed a little impolite to arrive empty-handed.
posted by charmedbride 46 posts 3 months agoDid you at least get a card from them? No guest is obligated to send a gift, but most well-brought-up people will at least send a card expressing their good wishes. After all, how much does that cost? A couple of our elderly relatives who don't have much just wrote us long letters telling us how happy they are, and that was much appreciated.
FYI - I was also surprised at who didn't give us either a card or a gift - some of FI's friends who are supposedly (or they would have us believe) QUITE well off. And we invited them to both the wedding and the RD, so they got two quite nice meals off us.
We've waited three weeks now, and have finished writing all the thank you notes to people who actually brought or sent cards or gifts, so we went ahead and wrote them little notes thanking them for coming to the wedding. Hopefully if they actually did send a gift, and it just hasn't arrived (some Macy's stuff seems terminally back-ordered) that will be their clue to let us know it's on its way. Otherwise - it's just good information for the future, right? Next time we all go out for dinner and it looks like somebody didn't throw in enough money towards the check, I'll be pretty sure who that was...
posted by suzanno 1,955 posts 3 months agoI know and believe that no one is expected to give a gift and one should just appreciate that they took their time to come (even more true in our DW case).
However, I would NEVER consider going to a wedding empty-handed or without having a gift already chosen, sent, whatever. I have sent a gift late before but never no gift at all. If they are my friend, that's the least I can do (IMHO).
posted by vivian 109 posts 3 months agoI'd like to revise my statement... I realize I wasn't really clear and it sounded sort of snobbish.
I think it's distasteful of guests to not bring a gift when:
1 . They bring univited dates
2. They drink enough to pass out mid-reception, wake up, and do it again.
3. They heckle your speakers
4. They dirty dance in front of your grandparents with their dates and then post on personal pages because it's funny.
5. Steal your wedding cake and drop on Great Aunt Betty who is paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheel chair.
Even if you're in college. You should pay for your stupidity in some way. :)
I myself am a college kid, but if I don't plan on acting appropiatley- then I definitley bring something (not that I would ever steal a cake :). I don't consider a gift to be a monetary present- possibly a cheap bottle of wine, case of beer, if you're real sentimental a special photo.
posted by maureen9004 256 posts 3 months agoreally depends...are you all students? If not, I would say that there might be a chance you might still receive gifts. If you guys are students, sometimes financial freedom is a bit limited and there are times where it's hard to even give gifts at the most appropriate occasions
posted by groomzillaisme 23 posts 3 months agoI got married 2 months ago and the majority of our wedding party did not buy us presents, but neither of us were worried about that. We had a great shower, bachelor and bachelorette party. We knew the financial situation of all our friends and their presence at our wedding was more important than the gift.
As for the rest of our guests, we were surprised at who didn't give us presents, but we weren't put off by it.We sent Thank You notes to every single person who came to our wedding, because we truly appreciated their presence there. Throughout the past couple months we have received presents; we actually received a present from some friends 2 days ago.
I wouldn't worry too much about the presents. The wedding isn't about gifts, it is about celebrating you and your husband.
posted by AprylHzle 43 posts 3 months agoI know the wedding isn't about gifts of course, but I think it's hard not to feel even a little slighted if friends close enough to be in the bridal party don't at least give a card. When I was in college and just out of college, I would often go in with one or two friends to buy an item I wouldn't have otherwise afforded. I live in an area where it's common to bring gifts to the wedding, so I would definitely feel weird showing up with nothing.
That being said, last year my friend was MOH in a wedding for one of her best friends. She was so busy helping with wedding stuff, taking pictures, etc., that she forgot the gift in the car and didn't realize it until it was too late! She and the couple lived in different states, and I think it took quite awhile before she ever mailed the gift.
So give it a little time--you can never be sure of why someone didn't give a gift in the first place, and if one never shows up, then I think you just have to let it go and be happy that they could be a part of your wedding.
posted by pancakes 14 posts 3 months agoGood for you for getting those thank you notes already!
Like some other posters have said, I would *never* come to a wedding empty handed (there's always my standby gift of nice but cheap wine glasses from Pottery Barn -- $4 a glass!). And if I'm your BM, if I'm considering my presence my gift to you, I'd supplement it with a picture of us in a nice frame, or a scrapbook of your wedding planning process, or something like that. However, I think some of the PPs are right -- you'd be surprised at how cheap people are, especially when their discretionary income right now may be going towards gas or groceries, with the economy is bad as it is. That still doesn't make it right, but you should be the better person here. What Suzanno did sounds very appropriate -- send a note thanking them for coming, and maybe you'll end up being surprised. And if not, poo on them.
@maureen -- are you FREAKIN serious?!? How did they steal the cake?? I hope you've got someone watching these people for your wedding...
posted by rebecca 986 posts 3 months agoOk, I am one of these people who forget to send presents. Now, usually it's for weddings we can't attend, because I don't have a deadline (wedding day), but I've been known to forget even if I'm going. I still owe my husband's cousin a gift and they've been married for a year and 3 months. I send a gift for every invitation I receive, no matter if we attend or not...sometimes it just takes a LOT longer. :)
As for the idiots that stole your friends cake...NO WAY! I would have died. Poor Aunt Betty. I would get the message to them that if something like that happens at your wedding, you're taking it out on their (car, house, ass!) I would seriously be that angry. I hate stupid people!
posted by KateMW 483 posts 3 months agoI think it depends completly on the situation....
If your guests have to travel (especially from far away) I would not expect a gift. I went to a destination wedding which cost me almost $2,000 last summer and did not bring a gift for that reason.
You should also not expect a gift from those in your bridal party. They have already given you the gift of their presence, and help, along with paying for the expenses necessary to be a part of your day.
For everyone else I would expect something - not necessarily something expensive, but atleast a card. Having been through 8 years of college I understand that finances can be tough but you can always afford a $20 gift wrapped up nicely. I know it sounds rude to some, but I would expect something from people who live in my hometown and did not have to travel for the wedding.
That being said, we are asking for Charitable donations for our wedding gifts. It's one thing for people to say to themselves "oh they have everything they don't need a gift" but it will be difficult for them to say the same thing about giving to charity :)
posted by MsB 212 posts 3 months ago