Post # 1
How do you decide who to invite? Or who not too?
My feeling have always been its MINE and FIs day we will invite the people we love and who love us. But this seems to be considered rude and selfish, so tell me how did you draw the line? Or decide in general?
Post # 3
If Fi & I are paying for the wedding, then I agree with you. It should be people who you both know & that you both care about.
Even if you aren’t paying for it…It is a day for you both to celebrate your comitment to one another. You should chose who is worthy to be there.
Post # 4
Yup, we’re paying for the wedding and only inviting people we want to invite. Some uncles aren’t coming anywhere near the day. Mr CL’s step-sisters are only invited in the evening (we’re in the UK – tiered receptions are totally the norm), as are two of my cousins whereas all of the others are invited all day. Some of Mr CL’s family are welcome to the ceremony but not invited to the reception (because they really want to see us married but understand that there just isn’t capacity to invite them to the reception). Random +1s aren’t invited unless we’ve met them and decided we want to invite them. I’m definitely on the side of invite who you like and everyone else be damned!
Post # 5
On the one hand, I agree it’s fine to only invite people that you’re close to there, but you’ve also got to take others’ feelings into account. Not just for etiquette’s sake (gosh, how I hate etiquette!), but just to make your life easier! For example, you may need to invite your guests’ partners if they’ve been together a significant length of time, or you may have to invite a whole group of people from work, rather than those few that you’re close to. Or you may have to invite a whole branch of the family rather than just one or two people. Sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle of not inviting people.
Post # 6
@LadyElva: Thats where the hassle is coming in! Guests SO’s!
also yes FI and I are paying 100% for the wedding!
Post # 7
A couple is a social unit. Just because you don’t know or like someone’s SO, they need to be invited. It gets murky where the cut off is, but generally living together, engaged, married all MUST be invited together. Those who have been dating a long time and do not fit the above categories should generally be invited too.
We’re pretty much giving everyone a plus 1, with the exception of a few cousins who are coming with family.
Post # 8
I invited only who I wanted to be there (and their social unit partner).
Contrary to the advice on this site, there is no etiquette “rule” that says all of one group or none. I invited some aunts and uncles, and not others, some first cousins but not others, some guests with dates, and not others.
The only etiquette “rule” is that social units (people married, engaged, or living together) MUST be invited together. Other then that, you can invite/not invite whomever you want.
All other politeness points still apply though, such as not talking about anything wedding related without being asked with people not invited, providing proper hosting for your invited guests, etc.
Post # 9
We only invited the people who we consider to be close to us, and their significant other if they had one. This amounted to a guest list of only 28 people, which we are perfectly happy with!!
Only immediate family, and the friends that are family. No extended family such as aunts/uncles/cousins; no work associates; no acquaintances; no old friends from high school or college that we haven’t spoken to in years; no political/reciprocal invites just because we were invited to their wedding; no parents’ friends.
The test? Can we call upon them to help us move a body? Are they important in our lives? Are we comfortable being our truest, and most politically incorrect selves around them? Do they bring any amount of stress to our lives? Do they care about us?
With regard to the issue of SO’s — PP’s who stated that any guest who is part of a social unit (i.e., in some sort of established relationship, regardless of the stage) must be invited together with their SO is completely correct. It is RUDE not to, and they WILL be offended if you tell them their boyfriend is not welcome.
Post # 10
We are inviting our close friends and their +1’s (most of whom are already engaged or married) and if applicable their children (because they will be travelling). There are a few friends who I probably wouldn’t invite except they are extremely close to one of my bridesmaids and it’s only 3 people. If i don’t invite them I’ll never hear the end of it so it’s just easier to invite them (and they probably won’t make the trip anyways). As far as my family is concerned, I’ve drawn the line at my Great Aunt and Great Uncle. (my grandparents each have 1 sibiling and I’m quite close with both of them). My extended family (Grandfather’s cousins) gets pretty extensive. I’ll probably get some crap for not inviting them but I don’t know them, they don’t know me, so that’s where the line is drawn.
Post # 11
We’re paying for the wedding and decided to keep things small. We’re inviting 50 and those are all closest family and friends with the exception of our bosses. The people invited are those we love the most and have been a big part of our lives.
Post # 12
It’s been pretty difficult for my FI and I to decide who to invite and who we shouldn’t. We have a 100 person limit and we have so many friends, band-mates, church people, big family, it’s been hard so I feel ya!
Post # 13
@Pokemon: Well there are a few things.
1. He who pays gets a say. So if your parents are paying, they do get some say in the guest list. Hopefully though, parents will respect the bride and groom’s wishes and not try to invite every single person they know.
2. It’s stops becoming all about you once you decide to include other people. Therefore your guests’ comforts become very important. This is why ALL SO’s should be invited and why people who must travel or in the BP are typically given +1s.
Having said that, you definitely do not have to invite every person in one social/family group. I think it’s ok to invite some aunts, uncles, and cousins but not others. Granted this could cause a lot of family drama, but if you are trying to keep it small and you are super close to Aunt Bertha but haven’t seen Uncle Jack in 10 years, it’s ok to not invite Uncle Jack. Same goes with friends and coworkers.