Wedding Guest list – family Stress and drama!

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Mrstobe26:  We had a similar situation, planned a big wedding in our home location while everyone in our families lives a flight away. We gave them a heads up, my family said they had plenty of time to save for it and was super happy. His family was also happy and mostly already could have afforded the trip, but many wanted me to figure out all their transportation/lodging. When it came down to it, I found out my family really couldn’t have afforded to make it and would have been putting the cost of their attendance on credit cards but was too sad to tell me that. They all work very hard, but are mostly self-employed and had alot of unexpected expenses last year that drained their savings (lawsuits & major medical issues). 

Basically, I thoght about it and there was no way I could look out over our guests, friends, family, and see a huge chunk of the most important people to me missing. While DH’s family is wonderful, they are not my own born & breed family and having so many of them there would just drive home the fact that my own blood wasn’t there. But, I am very close to my family- your FI may not be. we ended up changing the plan alltogether to a tiny DW with only 4 witnesses invited and loved every minute of it (but by that time no-one had booked any transportation or lodging either).

Obivously, your FI may feel differently about his family not being there, but if I were you I would really talk to him about his feelings and give him some time- you said you have a year before the wedding still? If so you have at least a few weeks to a month to figure this out and should take your time. It took me a while to be able to express to DH how I felt about it all, and it took him a while to understand why I felt that way. It sounds to me like you have 2 options which at this point, should be mostly up to him since it’s his family: 1) proceed as usual without them, 2) pay for their transportation/lodging so they can be there… Woudl there be “bad blood” between them if they weren’t able to come and you two didn’t pay for them? How would he feel if they are not there and all he sees at his wedding is your family & friends?

Post # 3
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Maybe there are some things you could do that would not cost you much, but make it more likely that your FI’s family could attend. If this is in your hometown, are there any neighbors, family friends, church members, etc. who might be able to have a guest for a night or two? My parents’ neighbors generously offered space for anyone who needed a place to stay. Or, is there a house that could be rented among them? They do not need 5 star accommodations to be there.

If your wedding is a year out, then they have plenty of time to save and plan for this. If they don’t, that is their problem, and not yours. I wouldn’t buy their transport tickets, or make  any non-refundable reservations for them. It seems like they are they kind of people that may no show, if they can’t put the effort into saving for it, why would they make the effort to travel for it, even if not at their own expense. Also, jusst because your family has already made plans, doesn’t mean his won’t. Some people just progress differently at this stuff.

I also agree with the comment above – see what your FI feels. Explore options!

Post # 4
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I too think your FI’s feelings should be paramount. What family does he need to be there for him to feel comfortable?

I don’t think it’s reasonable for all of his family to assume you will pay for their transport and accomodation. That is a huge amount of money for most young couples.

Have you discussed the idea of paying for his closest family- parents, grandparents- then hosting a celebration after the wedding in his hometown,  which all of his family would be able to attend?

Post # 5
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My finace and I live on the West Coast, but our families are from elsewhere (the Midwest and out of the country)- so we having a smaller wedding where we live (that everyone has been invited to) and in the next few weeks after the wedding we are going back to our parents homes for “hometown BBQ’s” – that way everyone can be “a part of things” and it’s way more efficient than covering the cost for relatives to come to us.

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