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If you prefer a small wedding, then do that. You are the ones getting married, not your parents. If a large wedding will cause you anxiety, then don't have one just to please other people. Only invite the people you and your fiance absolutely want in attendance and cannot imagine the day without.
Location makes no difference.
I have always heard that whoever is invited to the engagement party needs to be invited to the wedding (same as showers and weddings). I'm curious to see what other people will reply with. Did you know your parents were throwing a big engagement party? I had wanted to have a big engagement party (mainly for friends) and a tiny wedding (for family).
@MissBuffalo: Yes, I knew about the engagement party guest list, and I've also heard that those guests must be invited to the wedding. The guest list started out small and initimate and slowly grew to it's final 160 guest count (I should have seen this as a preview of what was to come). I've been having a hard time going back and forth between what I want and what others (my parents, his parents, etc.) want from this wedding, so our decision to look at a smaller wedding is fairly recent. Had I known a small wedding was an option, we would have definitely vetoed such a large guest list for the party. Marrying into the family I am brings with it a lot of expectations on what a wedding should be, and so I've been fighting an uphill battle so far with the whole process.
Who is paying for the wedding? I think if you and your fiance are paying for it on your own and your family threw the big engagement party, then you shouldn't be obligated to invite everyone. Yes, etiquette would disagree, but I think having a wedding you can afford is more important than following "the rules" to the letter.
If your parents paid for the large engagement party and your parents (and/or his) are paying for a large wedding, then it will be hard to invite fewer people without offending everyone unless you elope or get married WAY out of town. Or elope. But once you get into more than just parents and siblings, I think people will start feeling left out.
yes who is paying for the wedding? that dictates alot - if you and your FH are paying you set the rules. period.
i am having a "semi-destination" wedding to keep the numbers down because i wanted a small wedding, and picked a venue that only holds 120 for that reason as well. my mom is giving me grief for it but frankly since FH and i are paying for the majority of it, we get our say.
remember the golden rule: the one who holds the gold makes the rules...
so if your parents are payign you might have to bend a little, but remind them that if you are uncomfortable with a ton of people they should respect that.
Did people bring gifts to the engagement party? If not, I think you actually might be safe to have a very small wedding. But limit it to family only, if you start inviting some friends who went to the engagement party and not others.. that's where it will get sticky. However, if people broughts gifts to the engagement party you really must invite them to the wedding. If you don't, it's like saying "you were good enough to give me a present, but not good enough to share in my wedding day".
@spaganya: My parents are paying for it, but, honestly, not from a lack of trying on my part to have my FH and I to pay for it ourselves. My mom keeps saying she is very willing and able to give me the wedding "I've always dreamed of", but then she keeps offering her "suggestions" on what she thinks that wedding should be. I would rather pay for the wedding if it means having total control over it, but whenever I try to suggest that, she becomes defensive and says it is her and my dad's job. I agree I will probably have to bend, because I don't want to upset them since this is (hopefully) their only chance at a wedding (I'm an only child), but I also don't want to look back on my wedding day and think, "Whew, I'm glad that's over!"
@Moose1209: No, gifts were not a part of the engagement party. I feel less guilty about possibly not inviting people because of that.
Your mom needs to decide if she is going to give you the wedding you and your FH want or if she is going to decide on everything herself. She cannot do both even if she intends to. She already had her wedding so this is your turn. If she cannot respect that, then run away and elope with just your fiance or spend what you can afford for the wedding YOU want. Don't bring up the topic of money with her again since she gets defensive, just do whatever you plan to do. Is your father open to any discussion on this?
@Selene221: Ha! My dad is a sweetheart, and I love him, but he stays as far away from conflict as possible, especially when it comes to my mom.
@Selene221: i agree with you completely. my mom pretty much is doing what the OP's mom did - and i learned early on that if its somethign i want, just dont argue anymore, i pay for what i want, and if she has a problem with it tough. its kinda nice for me, but i have to deal with her tantrums dealing with it.
The "this is MY wedding you had your chance" convo doesnt always work (didnt for me) but have you said to her what you said to us? that you are having high anxiety about the whole thing and is starting to dread your own wedding?
theres always the threat of eloping :) or find a venue that holds a certain number and stick to it.
keep your head up. eventually you will get married and all the drama willl be over {HUGS}
Our priest was just telling us about a marriage he did a few years back in a tiny church. There were only the bride, groom, and their parents. (Of course you could bump this up a bit if that is your thing).
They also had a videographer there.
The next week they had a big reception dinner and showed the video to all the people.
Maybe you could do something like this?
If your venue is only an hour away, I bet most people will still come. If you do an hour away, and on a Friday, they still might come. So I think just planning something to be awkward for others may backfire.
We had a large engagement party (about 100 in attendance) and did not invite the majority of those guests to the wedding. The reason was because DH's family is in Florida and the wedding was held in upstate NY. I think it's fine to not invite people who were invited to the engagement party to the wedding if the e-party was huge, like mine was...Or, maybe we just committed a huge etiquette faux pas and didn't realize it, haha!
I'm in nearly the same situation as you, except we haven't had an engagement party. I recently posted about our problem, but basically we (fiance and I) want a smaller wedding, his family wants a biiiig party, and my parents are paying. It's been rough.
My first piece of advice is to make sure you and your fiance are on the exact same page about what you want, and stick to it. Next, sit everyone down who is involved in the decision-making process, and lay out the issue (e-party list etiquette vs. what you really want vs. what you can afford). That's the point at which a discussion of venue and guest list can happen.
Good luck and keep us informed about how it goes, I'll be interested to see how it works out!
Thank you for all of the advice and support! Just knowing that there are others out there who feel this way makes it a little bit better 
.
I am in a similar situation - I will have the "wedding I always dreamed of" except it's ummm....NOT? We decided to move our wedding about four hours away from all the family and hope that will cut our yes RSVPs. If you can, invite the people who came to the engagement party without plus ones. Also, you may want to consider having a small wedding elsewhere and letting your family throw you two a big party (give your mom control, dont' worry, and just show up for a good time!) later.
I think you have a couple of options.
Would you consider a destination wedding? That may be a lot less money and planning for you and will cut down the number of guests considerably (not everyone will be able to come).
Another option would be to have an outdoor more casual wedding where you wouldn't have to worry so much about who you invite. I am sort of wishing I did that for my wedding. Get big tents and have a catered buffet style wedding and not have to worry so much about seating plans and numbers and costs. That is only if the planning and costs are what is causing you anxiety. If actually having too many people there is causing all the anxiety then definitely stick to your guns and just have a smaller wedding. Someone else posted something about it being your wedding so you can make your own decisions. I agree with that!
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While I've come to Weddingbee for most of my wedding issues, I have not posted a question until now. My fiance and I got engaged in October 2009, and my parents threw us an engagement party in January 2010 with a guest list of 160 (around 110 showed up). Now that we're starting to plan the wedding guest list, it is becoming evident that this wedding is going to get insane (my fiance's family knows practically everyone in town). I've been feeling a lot of anxiety about the wedding and the guest list to the point where I just want to wash my hands of all of it!
My fiance and I finally sat down to talk about my anxiety and decided that it might be best to just have a small wedding with only close family and friends in attendance (about 75 guests). My mom says that we have to invite the people who were invited to the engagement party, which I understand etiquette dictates, but I was wondering if there was a way out of this if we explained our wishes to have such a small wedding.
I also wonder if wedding location would factor into this some where. Obviously, if we had the wedding here at home, people may be less understanding of the small wedding, but what if we got married out of town? We were looking at a venue for the ceremony and reception that is about an hour away. I know this isn't far enough to be considered a "destination wedding", but I thought I should share just in case.
Sorry for the long post. I'm just really anxious about this whole process and need some guidance or tips from fellow brides-to-be. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated!