(Closed) Wedding Guest List Pressure

posted 8 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 3
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you prefer a small wedding, then do that. You are the ones getting married, not your parents. If a large wedding will cause you anxiety, then don’t have one just to please other people. Only invite the people you and your fiance absolutely want in attendance and cannot imagine the day without.

Location makes no difference.

Post # 4
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I have always heard that whoever is invited to the engagement party needs to be invited to the wedding (same as showers and weddings). I’m curious to see what other people will reply with. Did you know your parents were throwing a big engagement party? I had wanted to have a big engagement party (mainly for friends) and a tiny wedding (for family).

Post # 6
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Who is paying for the wedding?  I think if you and your fiance are paying for it on your own and your family threw the big engagement party, then you shouldn’t be obligated to invite everyone.  Yes, etiquette would disagree, but I think having a wedding you can afford is more important than following “the rules” to the letter.

If your parents paid for the large engagement party and your parents (and/or his) are paying for a large wedding, then it will be hard to invite fewer people without offending everyone unless you elope or get married WAY out of town.  Or elope.  But once you get into more than just parents and siblings, I think people will start feeling left out. 

Post # 7
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

yes who is paying for the wedding? that dictates alot – if you and your FH are paying you set the rules. period.

i am having a “semi-destination” wedding to keep the numbers down because i wanted a small wedding, and picked a venue that only holds 120 for that reason as well. my mom is giving me grief for it but frankly since FH and i are paying for the majority of it, we get our say.

remember the golden rule: the one who holds the gold makes the rules…

so if your parents are payign you might have to bend a little, but remind them that if you are uncomfortable with a ton of people they should respect that.

Post # 8
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Did people bring gifts to the engagement party?  If not, I think you actually might be safe to have a very small wedding.  But limit it to family only, if you start inviting some friends who went to the engagement party and not others.. that’s where it will get sticky.  However, if people broughts gifts to the engagement party you really must invite them to the wedding.  If you don’t, it’s like saying “you were good enough to give me a present, but not good enough to share in my wedding day”.

Post # 11
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Your mom needs to decide if she is going to give you the wedding you and your FH want or if she is going to decide on everything herself. She cannot do both even if she intends to. She already had her wedding so this is your turn. If she cannot respect that, then run away and elope with just your fiance or spend what you can afford for the wedding YOU want. Don’t bring up the topic of money with her again since she gets defensive, just do whatever you plan to do. Is your father open to any discussion on this?

Post # 13
Member
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Selene221: i agree with you completely. my mom pretty much is doing what the OP’s mom did – and i learned early on that if its somethign i want, just dont argue anymore, i pay for what i want, and if she has a problem with it tough. its kinda nice for me, but i have to deal with her tantrums dealing with it.

The “this is MY wedding you had your chance” convo doesnt always work (didnt for me) but have you said to her what you said to us? that you are having high anxiety about the whole thing and is starting to dread your own wedding?

theres always the threat of eloping 🙂 or find a venue that holds a certain number and stick to it.

keep your head up. eventually you will get married and all the drama willl be over {HUGS}

Post # 14
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Our priest was just telling us about a marriage he did a few years back in a tiny church. There were only the bride, groom, and their parents.  (Of course you could bump this up a bit if that is your thing).  

They also had a videographer there. 

The next week they had a big reception dinner and showed the video to all the people. 

 

Maybe you could do something like this?

If your venue is only an hour away, I bet most people will still come.  If you do an hour away, and on a Friday, they still might come.  So I think just planning something to be awkward for others may backfire.  

 

Post # 15
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

We had a large engagement party (about 100 in attendance) and did not invite the majority of those guests to the wedding.  The reason was because DH’s family is in Florida and the wedding was held in upstate NY.  I think it’s fine to not invite people who were invited to the engagement party to the wedding if the e-party was huge, like mine was…Or, maybe we just committed a huge etiquette faux pas and didn’t realize it, haha!

 

Post # 16
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m in nearly the same situation as you, except we haven’t had an engagement party. I recently posted about our problem, but basically we (fiance and I) want a smaller wedding, his family wants a biiiig party, and my parents are paying. It’s been rough.

My first piece of advice is to make sure you and your fiance are on the exact same page about what you want, and stick to it. Next, sit everyone down who is involved in the decision-making process, and lay out the issue (e-party list etiquette vs. what you really want vs. what you can afford). That’s the point at which a discussion of venue and guest list can happen.

Good luck and keep us informed about how it goes, I’ll be interested to see how it works out!

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