Post # 1
I signed up to this forum as I am newly engaged and planning a wedding in 4 months!
My friends think I am crazy but a lot of contributing factors have led to this decision between my fiance and I. (I’m not pregnant)
I have got a couple of issues though that I did not account for and all of my friends just tell me “do what you want, it’s your day”. I’m not sure it’s so simple.
Due to the short plannig time and the fact that His family are all overseas, we are having a small family wedding. (started at 30 guests has now risen to 45) because of this there are some friends I have who I know will want to come to the wedding. I cannot justify this to him as I have more than half the guest list with just my family alone. I do not know how to tell these people about the engagement without inviting them to the wedding, and without hurting their feelings. Has anyone else been through this and what did you do?
I have called one such friend as I knew he would like to hear about the engagement before someone else told him but when he asked to come to the wedding I told him it was a small family affair due to time and financial restrictions. He responded that he really wanted to come and would pay his share or contribute to the wedding. I still really do not think it is appropriate for him to come and did not know how to rebuff him…..
Someone help me…….
Post # 3
@marzipanda: You need to say to this guy something like, “No, sorry, because other people who see you there won’t know that you’ve paid. So the only way to do it is to keep it as family. This is the only way to be fair to everyone”.
For everyone else have a line something like, “Sorry, but it’s a small family wedding only”. Repeat as necessary,
BTW I never had this problem. I think you’ll find most people aren’t so rude as to try to invite themselves to your wedding.
Post # 4
If anyone was so bold (and rude) as to ask if they were invited to a wedding, I would tell them that unfortunately they weren’t invited. If they were to then make me feel bad about that, I would reconsider my future involvement with that person.
Post # 5
I thought I was being the rude one at the time by telling him about the wedding and not inviting him. I just thought he would want to hear from me in person and not through another source. Now I think about it, maybe it was him being rude in expecting an invite, all of my other close friends I have told have been happy for me and have not assumed they were coming when i told them it was going to be very small.
I guess I may just have to get thicker skin during this time.
Post # 6
I had some peope assume they were invited, asked the Bees for help and ended up telling said people “I’m sorry but we are keeping the wedding small”. Short and sweet. You do not need to explain to them why they aren’t invited either.
Post # 7
I was in the same situation with my British husband. I felt so terrible for him that only his parents, brother and brother’s longtime gf could make the trip, and I really wanted to keep my side to the bare minimum out of sympathy for that, and to preserve a feeling of intimacy. (We also had a tiny budget.)
All I can say is – stick to your guns! I didn’t and I regret it. I truly don’t think there’s a way to let people down without it being awkward, but I ended up inviting 8 people (a not-small percentage for our 45 person event) out of obligation or pressure and I really wish I would have followed my gut and left them off the list.
I think the only thing to do is tell them the truth – it’s a tiny affair – and hope they mind their manners. If you plan to set up a wedding web site, it might help to explain the size of the event there, and write a little something acknowledging that you wish you could invite everyone, but it’s just not possible. That way they can see it in black and white and not think you’re just trying to shut them out.
Another idea is to set up a Google+ Hangout if you and your friends are tech-y. That way they can still watch the wedding live without actually being there. We planned to do it, but not well enough, and it fell though on the day. 🙁
Post # 8
When you tell people that you’re keeping the guest list small due to financial reasons and they offer to pay it makes it hard to still have to say no. The best way to avoid hurting anyones feelings when they ask about being invited to the wedding is to tell them “Our venue is very small and we’re only having ____ guests but we’d love to get together with you when we get back from our honeymoon”.
What can they say to that? Are they going to offer to build an addition onto the venue? Probably not. If you give them this answer number one you’ve given them a valid reason why you can’t invite them and plus you’ve offered to spend time with them. When you answer a question with a “No” and end it with something positive it seems to soften the blow. You then don’t feel so bad. Try it next time someone wants an invite.
In a perfect wedding planning world people would just congratulate you when you tell them you’re getting married and not put you in a difficult position and make you feel bad for not inviting them. I will never understand why some people feel entitled and expect you to extend an invite. If they’re invited…. they’ll get a pretty invitation in the mail!!!
Post # 9
“What can they say to that? Are they going to offer to build an addition onto the venue? Probably not.”
haha actually he just told me he would stand outside and “watch”…..creeeeeepppyyyy…
on a related topic. I have invited my cousins on my mums side of the family but only from the sister she is closest to. I did not realise however, that 2 of them have long term partners and know I have to invite them but it seems awfully unfair to invite these people I don’t know to such an intimate affair and still not have some of my friends there. My partner is furious with me and is now downstairs banging away in the shed.
One of the problems is that it’s not really just about finance. He HATES groups of people and freaks out just being around my large (and somewhat rowdy) family. He has said from the beginning that he never wanted a large wedding with people he doesn’t know. Knowing all this is there any possible way I can deal with this issue?
Post # 10
@marzipanda: He puts on his big boy pants and copes. It’s pretty normal to meet peoples’ partners sooner or later, so why not at your wedding? I’m sure they’ll just stay by their partners’ side, talk with family they know, and generally be fine.
It’s not unfair to your friends. That’s just how it goes in social life: if you invite someone you invite their partner.
Post # 11
Re – Your Original Question…
Lol, Etiquette Snob here…
Truly, from an Etiquette POV, I think the easiest way to deal with this is just forego giving everyone details about your upcoming Wedding.
Certainly you can tell folks you are Engaged… the traditional way to do this once upon a time was to put an Engagement Announcement in the local papers… but fewer folks do that now.
Facebook and Social Media, is more in tune with how people tend to spred the news… by updating their “status”
Then if Questions are put to you, just say…
We haven’t worked out all the details yet… it will probably be a small Family Wedding tho.
More than likely, friends will congratulate you, and say something like “keep me informed etc”… Then you just smile and change the subject.
Truly very few people are ever going to think that you will be getting married with such a short lead up time (the average Engagement is 1 to 2 years). So chances are you won’t be fielding Questions endlessly over the next 4 months.
When all is said and done… you can have Wedding Annoucements printed and mailed out to those you truly care about… friends & family. Wedding Announcements look a bit like Invites… but say that you are NOW Married
Wedding Annoucements are a “traditional” way of telling folks you are married… and have in the past been used for Elopements, Small Weddings, Second Marriages, etc.
They will be the “etiquette correct” thing to do in your particular situation (lol, along with updating your Facebook status to Married)
Hope this helps,
Post # 12
I think I’ve sorted it ( I know it prolly seems silly to be so worked up about the guest list but it really has caused some problems)
BE (before engagement) my darling man always said 30, I said 50, AP (After Proposal) I seemed to go along with what he wanted a lot more.
I have now told him that 50 is the number and that’s just that. I realised that I wanted my loved ones, loved ones to be there too, not just because it’s polite but because it’s a day for everyone to enjoy. I went for a long walk afterwards to let him think about it and when I came back he was very supportive of my decision. I think he just wanted to know I was inviting people I cared about, not just because I had to.