Weddingbee boards

When we started planning our DW, we kind of had to cut the list severely because my family is ginormous, our budget isn't ginormous, and our space limited (in a private home). First cousins on my dad's side were not even invited, as it would have added nearly 100 on their own and I am not super close with any of them. Maternal cousins number fewer and were invited, as are less than 10 children.

We also cut out +guest for singles.  The cut off was "living together or engaged" and this kind of helped us define a couple. It kind of softened the blow on the paternal first cousins not being invited too, shows we aren't just shunning them in favor of dates and random strangers.

So my cousin and cousin's spouse are apparently getting a divorce. They're still friendly and have a few kids. I don't know the circumstances, and as far as I know, not many in the family know either.  It'd certainly be a shock to some people, including my grandmother. I offered to extend the invitation to the soon to be ex-spouse if it made things easier for cousin and the kids. This was declined and I was told "put me down for a guest, I'll bring a date."

I explained our situation thoughtfully and apologized. I explained that for, space and budget  reasons, we were not having guests for anyone and this was across the board.

I get an RSVP today and it has the guest! And an offer to pay for the guest and to let them know what the food costs for this person.

This really really bugs me. So much so that I haven't been able to sleep tonight.  I feel like I am being put in a very awkward position.

First, we have a guest policy and I have already made a deal about it to an aunt, and I know my best friend would probably want to bring her new boyfriend, but she understands where we're at with the cut-off. To make an exception now basically throws the whole damn thing out the window and I'd look like an ass for taking our stance initially.

Second, I already told her no. She's being pushy and that irritates the hell out of me. Plus, it's not just food. Per person isn't just the catering.

Third, "hey thanks, just announce your divorce at my wedding by bringing a random new person. Let's make it good and awkward, who has some other bad news they want to share? Let the good times roll! Who has weird medical results? Anyone's company closing their doors?"

How do I reply to this? I want to maintain manners and be gracious, but at the same time, I feel like this is aggressive and somewhat rude.

Need your good advice, Bees.

I don't know if the divorce is final or what, like I said, we don't know what is going on over there. They aren't exactly talkative and I didn't even acknowledge their separation, and I imagine it was news that I even knew about it, until I sent out the invites this fall and asked if Ex should be invited.

But I don't know this date either.

It's at a private home. 

Sorry, tired and flustered (thank god it's Friday, I am mailing it in). So I'm maybe not fully explaining. Maybe more details would help you guys...

They live closer to my DW cite than I do. They live 6 hours by car, I live 4 hours by plane.  I don't see them, save for a random visit here or there.

There is no real per-head extra cost at the home we've secured. The owner has said "about 50" and right now, we're looking at  about 30 including vendors with only about half of the RSVPs in. After getting the RSVPs in, hypothetically we be right there at the 50.

I've already had a discussion with an aunt about the "engaged/living together" couple cut off.  She was bringing her boyfriend, I initially apologetically said no, and then find out they are living together, so I apologized and included his name on the invite. 

Sending an email mentioning that as discussed a few months ago, we are not having "and guests" and that making exceptions is not only unfair to the other guests who have been told no "and guests" but also puts FI and I in an uncomfortable spot because we've already cut out friends and family from the guest list... 

I'd rather restore some of those friends and family then let people start bringing people I don't know.

I thought after a couple (literally) hours of sleep, I'd feel somewhat less irritated by it, but I am more angry now I think. Especially since I told FI and he was "wtf? Didn't we tell them no two months ago?"

@Mrs. Louboutin I know! And it's never who you'd suspect of being so rude, too.

My mother was flabbergasted today when I told her.

Defintely stick to your guns... i still can't believe she is acting like that. I feel like she is being a pushover and totally disregarding your wishes!

I agree with the girls...just say no! Its like our mantra.  "Can I bring a date?" "No!"... next person..."can I bring these extra people?"....NO!  

and so on so forth.

However, even with best intentions and this constant mantra to people, if you peeps are anything like my peeps its almost useless.                                     This happened at both my bridal shower and wedding.  At my bridal shower, in a nice restaurant, which i told everyone girls only, by rsvp, my aunt brought 3 extra older guests with her and she told me while she was driving in from out of town that same day and said she was going to pay me for their meal. What was she thinking it was, an open public buffet?  One of the guest was a man!  After eating, it looked like they were going to settle in and hang out when my aunt knew full well we were going to play some funny games.  Luckily, another aunt interceded and asked them to leave and hang out at the beach for a few hours.  AND the aunt never paid for these people! My mom  paid $200 for a few strangers meal. 

Same aunt and my mother (which I still can't believe to this day) pull the same bs on our wedding day.   About ten extra people showed up who I know are friends of either the aunt or my mom (i see them talking to both of them in pix).  Once again, I was told of this new development the same day when everyone was driving in from out of town.   Luckily, my caterer didn't charge us extra.  And surprise surprise, I don't even know who those wedding crashers were because their was no gifts from any of them.

Its truly appalling how rude and how much people lack manners when it comes to wedding functions.  

Do not let them push you into doing something you don't want.  You will regret it.  (OMG sorry it sounds so dire!)

About a month to go and someone calls me today and tells me they need to add 2 people because they are unwilling to travel by themselves.

Mind you, these 2 people have already RSVP'd no.

So I send a msg that I need to get back to them on it, because we've planned around our RSVP number we've had.  I didn't elaborate, but I just needed a couple days to shuffle things around first. I got a irritated message back like 3 minutes later "OH JUST FORGET IT!"

What the hell did I do wrong?

Marinara, this was a different guest! Unbelievably!

def say no its YOUR wedding and thats crazy rude for people to just add people to your guest list. i've never heard of someone doing that!!!

Someone else, after finding out there wasn't going to be much in the way of single ladies at the wedding, asked if he could bring a date and pay for her.

DENIED. I am not Chuck Woolery and I cannot guarantee a Love Connection at my wedding. Go or don't go.

The other thing too, its not just the food. It's the entire cost of rentals, services, vendors, food divided by amount of people using them.

Its funny but I'm sort of used to it by now. It's amazing how easy it is to say "NO!" to people. :)

I don't quite understand what the timebomb is.

I think that Kellyrwn may be talking about people ranting at the wedding?  Or that people will be pissed and say something to you at the wedding and setting off some sort of CRAZY reaction...and that she doesn't want you to be worried about it?  I'm not sure.

In any case, it sounds like you've done an awesome job navigating all this crazy, MissACS.  If something like this happens to me, I hope I can show this level of level-headed behaviour.  Sometimes, people just suck.