Post # 1
Hi bees, I need help!
Our wedding is in 10 days and one of the groomsmen just called my FI to say may not be able to afford to come to the wedding. We thought this was a possibility, and a couple weeks ago, my FI offered to loan him some money to come to the wedding. Well, of course he waited until 10 DAYS before the wedding to say he may need some money. He says he may need up to $500. In concept, I had been okay with partially paying his way, but now I’m pissed. We can afford that much (although we probably would only give him like $200), but it would have to come out of the wedding gifts we’ve already received, which I’m kind of annoyed about. I know my FI will be upset if his groomsman can’t make it (we do know who we’d ask to step up in his place, but then I’d have to spend another $100 to re-print the programs), but quite honestly, I don’t want to spend our money on this. And I’m pissed he waited until TODAY to tell us he maybe can’t afford it! The other part is that his girlfriend is supposed to come to the wedding, and I don’t want to pay for her because she’s not necessary to the wedding. My FI says we can’t control how he spends the money, but if the flight + hotel doesn’t add up to as much as he asks for, then I don’t know how I feel about giving him more than it seems he needs. What to do, bees?
Post # 3
You def don’t have to and shouldn’t pay for his significant other to come. I’m even a little on the fence about whether you should pay for him to come if you cannot afford it. If you have the money, then loan him the money but if you don’t have it then just ask someone else to step up, or just have one less GM and don’t worry about the programs.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
He doesn’t have his flight booked ten days before? I would tell him that we understand if he can’t make it, and I wouldn’t pay for him to come- with someone this irresponsible, it would be a gift, not a loan- I seriously doubt you’d see one dollar paid back. If it’s that important to FI, you can pay for his flight only, and help make arrangements for him to stay with someone. You are not responsible for his GF’s expenses.
I wouldn’t ask someone else to step up, nor would I reprint the programs- they aren’t worth the cost to have them “perfect.”
Post # 5
You do NOT need to pay for his gf, if she can’t afford it, she is not a necessary part of your wedding. Your GM is, he obviously is an important part of your FI’s life if he asked him to stand up with him and you should try to make it happen if you are able to help. It IS rude of him to have waited so long to confirm that he needs monetary help to come, but ultimately if your FI wants him there and is willing to pay to get him there, then you should respect that. But the gf…no way in hell would I ever pay for her ticket, lol.
Edit: Also, this guy just sounds like an irresponsible and bad friend and it may be time for FI to let him go and move on…HOWEVER that is NOT up to you and you really can’t say that to him or else he’ll resent you for it…but sounds like a toxic friendship to me
Post # 6
@rebwana: Agreed. And good point about the fact that OP will probably never see the money if they give a “loan” to the GM.
Post # 7
If he’s waiting until the last minute to buy plane tickets and booking a hotel, he’s costing YOU way more than he needs to. I guess it depends on your (your fiance’s) relationship with this guy – is it important to you that he be there?
Sounds like the guy wasn’t planning on coming or was hoping someone else would pay his way to me. He could have gone solo, borrowed money from someone else when tickets were cheaper, etc. Waiting until now and then crying “wah I need money!” is juvenile, in my opinion.
If you do decide to help him out, DON’T just give him money, book the plane ticket and hotel for him (or find him a couch to crash on with your family/friends). He can cover anything else since he’d have to feed himself if he were at home. Especially if he’s staying with someone else he’ll have a ride everywhere and won’t need a car or anything.
Post # 8
That is really frustrating! Not sure how far away he is coming from but if you guys can afford to help him out a bit and it’s important to your FI, then I would do it.
BUT I would possibly ask around for a friend or family member if this groomsmen can stay at their place and just pay for his flight or travel there and back. Maybe it would end up being a bit cheaper for you that way. I wouldn’t pay for his girlfriend though. If they live together that kinda sucks but I am sure they knew about your wedding pretty far in advance right?
Post # 9
If you aren’t comfortable giving him that much why not actually give him the ticket and buy the hotel outright? Instead of giving him cash you’d be paying the actual amount and you’d have reciepts and stuff.
I’d be uncomfortable giving my wedding party that much money, but I’m paying for two of their hotel rooms and I just bought them from the hotel block in their names.
Also, you don’t have to pay for his girlfriend. I’m sure he had plenty of time to save up so I’d be pissed too if I were you.
If your FI really really wants him there, which I’m sure he does, I’d say tell him you really want him to be there and you’re going to purchase a flight and hotel room for him. Let him know that you simply can’t afford his girlfriend too so if she wants to come she’ll have to pay her own way.
Post # 10
None of the poll options. Give up on the GM and keep the same programs- less stress all around. This happened at the last wedding I went to, no one freaked out that there was 1 less GM than what the program said.
Post # 11
I’d offer to buy him a plane ticket assuming it is around $200 or something – but since you’ve missed the 14-day advance fares and your wedding is on a holiday weekend that ship may have already sailed. If there is a bus or train option I’d probably offer to pay for that, but I wouldn’t expect to see that money again even if he says he will. I would not give him cash or a check to do with as he pleases, nor would I pay for his girlfriend’s travel, and I’d let him find accomodations on someone’s couch.
Post # 12
To update, we had decided we could book his flight. But I am not comfortable booking a non-refundable flight because there is no guarantee he won’t bail again. And the cheapest non-refundable round trip flights (Chicago to Boston) are more than $600. The bus seems out of the question because it will take more than a day (and is still $350). The train is a lot cheaper, but will still take more than a day. Now I’m thinking about paying for his rental car (if he plans on getting one) or his hotel room, although he’s already planning on sharing a hotel room with another groomsmen.
Post # 13
Ugh, tough one. Loaning money to friends is never a good idea unless you’re comfortable up front knowing that it’s actually a gift and that calling it a “loan” is a pretense which allows the recipient to save face. I’d feel more charitable if he had taken more care to plan in advance, but it sounds like he’s treated the situation in a very casual fashion.
If he accepts your money, he should have the tact and good sense not to bring his girlfriend. It would be nice for him to be able to bring his girlfriend if he could afford it, but he can’t, simple as that.
If you tell him that $500 is more than you can afford and he doesn’t come, I agree with others that you shouldn’t try to find a replacement (personally I wouldn’t be keen on being asked to serve as a last-minute replacement attendant) and you shouldn’t bother reprinting the programs.
Post # 14
$500 for airfare and hotel sounds reasonable to me, but I don’t think it should fall on you to pay it, especially this late in the game. How does your FI feel about it? How important is it for this GM to be there? Once you determine that, you can figure out what, if anything, you should loan him.
Post # 15
Ugh! That is SO frustrating! I know the feeling – one of our groomsman is recently unemployed, so my fiance paid for his suit, shoes, tie, and cufflinks, and even after all that, the GM STILL had the gall to sigh heavily and say “Money, money, money” when I told him the train ticket to our wedding would be $14!!!!!
You are a wonderful person for paying for the GM (which I would do, even though I’d be unhappy about it too), but I would NOT pay for his GF. Sorry, but if he can’t get his shit together for a wedding he’s known about forever, he doesn’t get to bring her.
Post # 16
Maybe I’m being a Meanie McMeanie, but I think you should just let him stay home. He had plenty of time to budget and plenty of time to come to you far earlier to let you know how tight finances were.
That way if you wanted to gift him the money (forget about a loan), it would have cost far less. And I would have never factored in the GF.
At this point, it just depends on how much your FI needs/wants him there. If it’t important you will be footing the entire bill (though I still vote to leave the GF at home-why doesn’t SHE pay for him?)
But my vote is to not enable him and leave him out. He shouldn’t be visiting his problems on you.