- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
I need to know if I’m losing my mind… or… what else I can do here to stop what I feel like is going to become an inevitable divorce. Wedding is in 2 days, but FI and I just had a huge blowout over his mother and her incredible sense of entitlement…
My future MIL is OBSESSED with her grandsons. I really do believe that she thinks her oldest grandson (who is 6) is hers. For example, MIL has a summer home. At the beginning of last summer, she told me that she was going to have her grandson live with her as much as possible that summer because she “has needs” and those needs include having her grandson with her as much as possible, despite what his parents want. BTW, parents had already expressed that they did NOT want their son living at MILs that summer…as you can guess… power struggle ensued… guess who tantrumed and won???
It’s very complicated and FI and I have had multiple conversations/fights about how much time exactly MIL will get to spend with our children since I have parents and a large extended family who I’m very close with and who will want to have a close relationship with our child too. FI always agrees with me that we need to split the time equally and promises that he will set appropriate boundaries with his mom when the time comes. His mom is extremely manipulative, so it’s always been in the back of my mind that while FI may have the best of intentions, MIL may ultimately get the better of him.
To further complicate things, when I moved in with FI a year ago, we had our parents over for dinner. After a bottle of wine, future MIL turned to my mother and said “I’M going to be the favorite grandmother you know!” I didn’t hear the comment, my mom just ignored her, and didn’t tell me about it (she didn’t want to start anything and just figured it was drunk talk) until I finally vented to her one day about a bunch of other nervy things future MIL had said to me. Clearly it pissed the hell out of me and my gut reaction was to call out MIL’s behavior to FI, but my mom didn’t want to make any trouble and suggested I “choose my battles” with FI and this one just wasn’t worth fighting.
Fast forward to tonight, when FI’s whole family was out to dinner. The favorite grandson (FG) was there, with his parents. The conversation turned to having dinner with FG, his parents, and FG’s other set of grandparents for an upcoming special occasion. Now, at the beginning of the night, before the wine, she played all coy and said to FG’s parents, “well I wouldn’t want to join you all, let the other grandparents have their time with A, i already see him so much!” So, she makes herself out to be a martyr. Well, drunkenly, later in the night she says to them, “well the real reason i dont’ want to go to that dinner is because i’ll have to share A with (the other grandmother) and I don’t want to have to do that – because I’ll win!!!”
I was furious. I was furious that she said it, I was furious that she said it in the presence of her grandson, and I was furious that her nasty attitude was finally surfacing again. But at the same time, I was thankful because finally FI could see it as well.
We left the restaurant and I started bawling. I’m just so sick of having this conversation with FI and having to deal with MIL’s sense of entitlement when it comes to grandkids. We got home and I kept bawling, for like a half an hour! Finally FI comes up to me and tells me that yeah what she did was wrong but that I’m being so emotional and that I’m always so emotional, so I’m probably just overreacting. So I threw it back at him and said oh okay so I’m supposed to carry a baby for nine months, go through labor, bond with my baby, etc. and then potentially have to sit there and listen to her talk like that, about MY parents someday? Eff you, of course I’m emotional. But I obviously don’t want to put myself in that position in the first place, so now I’m all torn up about what to do and that maybe it wasn’t the best idea if we had kids together. I told him all of this, and he was horrified.
He said he’d call his mom tomorrow, he knew it was way inappropriate what she said. I told him it wasn’t just what she said, it was the attitude and that kids pick up on attitudes, and I will be damned if my kids are around ANYONE, my family or his, who puts on airs as though they should be viewed as a favorite grandparent/aunt/uncle. Not that kids don’t naturally pick a favorite on their own but I will have nothing to do with anyone who pretty much demands favoritism.
He said he knew he had to set better boundaries with her and that he was going to call her first thing tomorrow (which also happens to be her 60th birthday, so I begged him not to call because now she’ll be like, “oh, my future DIL ruined my birthday!”). Anyway, he kind of then backed off the emotional thing and said he understood where I was coming from and that if she couldn’t respect boundaries, she wouldn’t be a part of our children’s lives. I don’t know. I’m still stuck!!!
Also, here’s a bombshell – this is his second marriage. His first wife and mom did not get along and his mom actually told him that it was her or his wife. He chose his mom, obviously, but insisted to me when I met him that there were lots of other things going on in his last relationship that made him call it off. But now I’m not so sure and I’m afraid future MIL will tell him to leave me too!!