Post # 1
I’m getting married in July 2011 and one of my bridesmaids still hasn’t gotten her dress.
Last August and me and 5 of my 6 BMs met at JCrew to pick out their dresses. BM#6 said she couldn’t get her dress then because she thought she might be pregnant (she was getting married at the end of September 2010). She figured she would know if she was pregnant by October and wanted to know when was the latest she could get her dress. I told her February. In February I asked her if she knew when she would get her dress. I offered to buy it for her since at $250 I knew it was expensive and I knew that money was tight. She said she would buy it herself.
Fast forward to now – her and her husband are getting divorced (married Sep 2010) and she still doesn’t have her dress.
I feel bad about asking her about it because I’m sure the last thing she wants to thing about right now is a wedding. But I’m not sure what to do, suggestions I’ve received have been: ask her about the dress directly, buy it for her and don’t wait to hear what she says or tell her she can back out of the wedding if it’s too much for her right now.
We’ve been friends for 20 years. I was in her wedding in September 2010 (a second wedding) and her first wedding and all the BMs had less than 6 months notice that her weddings were happening.
I’m also really organized, so the fact that she doesn’t have the dress and is avoiding talking to me about it is really making me crazy.
Post # 3
Gosh, that’s a tough one….sounds like you are great friends. Maybe it’s time to have a heart to heart with her and figure out where she’s at in terms of being in your wedding. It’s a lot to go through, to be in a wedding and going through a divorce!
Post # 4
@pengoala: agreed. Talk to her if you can get in contact with her. I had a BM that I tried to talk to though and it ended up blowing up in my face.. oh, I dropped her. But if you guys are great friends just ask her if its too much for her right now.
Post # 5
That’s kind of rough. I actually have two BMs that still don’t have dresses and an MOH with no shoes. It sounds like your friend might have some hard times going on though.
Either way, I feel for you!
Talk to her. You can’t leave the ball in her court because of the time sensitive issue but make sure you get a feel of if she’s leaning toward in or out.
Post # 6
I would call her and talk to her.. ask nicely what the hold up is.. offer her the chance to back out if she has too much going on.. or offer to buy it for her again (if she declines again) tell her she can pay you back if she want’s you are just getting nervous about her not having the dress yet.
Post # 7
What’s the return policy on the dress? Would you do anything differently if she were to drop out (e.g. invite someone in her place). If no to the latter and she’s given no indication that she’s withdrawing from your wedding, maybe buy it now (so you get it) but wait for a few weeks until a week or so before the dress can’t be returned to talk to her.
Post # 8
Put yourself in her shoes. If she is going through a divorce 7 months after her wedding, that is likely her focus, not your wedding.
One of the most beneficial things to my annoyance/frustration level lately has been to re-adjust my expectations re: my friends, family, bridesmaids, etc. when it comes to my wedding. While it is clearly the most important thing going on in my life right now, it isn’t the most important thing to anyone else. Unless it is someone who has never been in/been to a wedding, it is just another in a long string of weddings in which they are involved.
Post # 9
If it makes you feel better, I have a bridesmaid who doesn’t have a dress yet, and my wedding is in 16 days! I figure that she’s such a good friend who’s just been incredibly busy at work, and I know that she’ll pull through for me on the day – so it’s not worth worrying too much about.
I guess my advice is to decide when it’s really important for her to have a dress ordered – and if she hasn’t done it by then, I’d just order it for her…
Post # 10
yikes! only married for 7 months and they are getting divorced!! I could see how she might be a little distracted! If you really want her there, maybe just see how she’s doing and let her know you would understand if she has to back out of the wedding party. But let her know that you could order it for her to make sure it is ready in time for the wedding if she decides to participate. That’s a really tough situation and I hope everything works out for you.
Post # 11
I like Kay01’s suggestion. I don’t know jcrew’s return policy on their bm dresses, but i assume it’d be within 30-60 days. I’d purchase the dress, if you know what size to buy, give it a few more weeks, and then ask her if she’d like to 1. take the dress as a gift 2. pay you back for the dress at a later time or 3. quietly step aside and be a regular guest for the day. Worst case she can’t handle being in a wedding right now, and you just return the dress and best case she purchases the dress without being prompted (again) and you return the dress! Sorry this is something you’re having to stress over, but I’m sure it has more to do with her current problems than not really caring about your wedding.
Post # 12
@LindaD76, I agree I think it is more about her current situation than not wanting to participate, which is why I haven’t asked her about it.
@simplifiedbride & @kay01 I think I’m doing to use your suggestions. I’m going to find out JCrew’s return policy and then ask her again if she wants me to buy it for her in a while.
I know she is also unnecessarily concerned about her weight and will want to order a dress in a size she wants to be then diet so it fits. So that might be causing her to put off getting the dress – she wants to wait until she is happy with her weight.
I am pretty sure she still wants to be in the wedding but I don’t want it to be unhappy/depressing/stressful/expensive for her. It’s a destination wedding which involves a 2-night hotel stay and she has a daughter so that complicates things.
Post # 13
If it makes you feel better…. I’m getting married on July 30th and my MOH still doesn’t have her dress….my FI and his BM don’t have their shirts or ties either. I’m stressing a bit about it – but it will all fall into place!