Post # 1
My mother has set aside money for my wedding and me and my FI are trying to pitch in as much money as we can. The problem is my mom and i fight A LOT and not about little things we get into huge fights about really deep issues.One day we will be best friends and the next we are at each others throats! Now everytime we get into a fight she says we can’t have her money. This would be okay if we hadn’t already signed contracts with all of our vendors!
Without her money we won’t be able to pay them. Not to mention so many people have put so much into this wedding for us already. For example my aunt has already booked and PAID FOR our honeymoon to aruba! So we cannot cancel this wedding. I’m not the type of person to make up with her just to get her money. She has said some extermly hurtful things to me and I don’t think I can forgive her. But now its looks like our wedding is going to crash and burn and we are going to be stuck with all the bills! Please help!
Post # 3
My SIL’s mother did this to her. Every time they’d get into a fight she would lower her money contributions. My brother and SIL ended up having to spend more of their money then they originally planned and my parents helped out more then they planned. You need to talk to your FI and see what his parents are willing to contribute and start scaling things back now while you still have time. Also, try to not fight with her. Remember that it takes two to fight so. Hold your tongue!
Post # 4
Do you really think she’s going to take her contribution away or does she just like holding it over you when you fight? Next time you guys are getting along, could you ask her for a check up front? Then you’ll have the money in hand and she can’t threaten you anymore.
Post # 5
Maybe you two could go to counseling to work out issues- you can use a meaningful excuse like: I don’t want to start my new family this way- I want us to enjoy our relationship and you to enjoy your future grandchildren without tension. (If you do want kids- insert something else if not..)
If you two actually work out issues- then it’s not a matter of money. However I would then ask for a check up front as the “vendors need to get paid…”
Post # 6
1) Don’t even worry about the trip to Aruba. A wedding bash and getting married need not co-exist.
2) Pull out the contracts that you signed and figure out EXACTLY what the cancellation policies are and when the full amounts are due. Most will allow you to cancel within 2 weeks or something and only lose the deposit. Others want to be paid in full in advance. Figure out what your liability is, and pay the people with whom you have the least wiggle room as soon as possible.
3) Talk to your local bank/credit union/etc. to see what it would take to get a short-term consumer loan. If push came to shove, could you afford to take out $5000 to make the wedding happen? If not, SCALE BACK now or see what your other options are.
Post # 7
damn, your mom and my mom must have been separated at birth. i can totally empathize, and it’s an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach not knowing if it’s going to be dr. jeckel or mr. hyde.
you could try being rational with her, but i know that does not always work. you could try sucking up to her, faking a reconcilliation to get what you want, but you have to swallow your pride. this is the route i took to keep my mom from backing out of paying the balance of the only vendor she was in charge of paying. i also didn’t want her making a scene or even crashing if i un-invited her, it really was to that point. in the end i just wished she wasn’t there, she’s just so unpleasant and kept saying really awful things to people that got back to my ears a couple days later. but i digress…
this is something that most people here probably won’t be able to help you with. there are so many variables, and you know better than anyone how hard it is to navigate those waters.
the only really drastic solution i can think of would be to threaten to elope on your paid for trip to aruba! actually, that sounds pretty good-either way you win! good luck to you, just try to remember that it’s your life, and your soon-to-be family, and it is absolutely WRONG that she’s trying to manipulate you with what should be a GIFT.
Post # 8
Are you sure she wants to contribute it in the first place? Is there any way you can resolve things and keep the peace in the mean time? I really hope you work it out. Maybe the next time getting her to pay down deposits. Or find some way for her to be more invested in the wedding.
Post # 9
Thanks for all of the input! I really am going to try and scale things back just in case. She refuses to do therapy BC is says there is nothing wrong with HER I am the problem! She even sank as low as telling me that my deceased grandfather (who I was extremely close with) would hate me If he was alive today…just to give you an idea of what I am dealing with.
Post # 10
I think you need to plan as if you don’t have any money coming from her – IF you’re not able to keep the peace. Also, maybe it is time for a convo about what the money means – is it a gift or a debt to be later repaid? If you’re going to have to pay it back later anyhow, scaling back might be the best solution…then you can spout off anything you want (zilla) without her holding that over your head. Good luck!
Post # 11
ugh, twins, seriously. i agree with flakeofsnow, if it is what it sounds like even if she does give you the money she promised, she’ll be holding it over your head for years. even if you don’t have to pay her back in cash you’ll be paying for it, one way or another.
maybe it’s time to cut those ties, and even if you don’t have as big a budget, at least you’ll be happy! what does your man think of all this??
Post # 12
I don’t think it is right to hold the wedding contributions over your head like that, and I think it would help if she could be a little bit more understanding. But just because a honeymoon is being paid for, if you have to change things because of your mom, then that is just what you have to do. Don’t let her win just because she is helping, and that is just something to hold over your head. She sounds a bit controlling, like my way or the highway, and you have to be an adult woman and stand your ground.
Post # 13
I’d like to slap your mom silly! Your best plan is to not count on her. If she comes through then it’s great and you’ve got extra money. Makes plans as if she won’t contribute. It sounds like she feels that her only means of control (with you creating a life for yourself) is with money and viscious words. You don’t deserve that.
Your wedding won’t crash and burn. It will be lovely and you will be surrounded with people who love and care about you. That is why they are there. Not for the floral arrangements, not for the food (well maybe a little) , not for the cake — for you. At the end of the day you will be Mrs. bhutton15 and will live forever happy.
Don’t let mom make you crazy. Keep a step away! Best wishes.
Post # 14
Well she has actually put the money into my grandmas checking account so she doesn’t accidentally spend it. So I do have access to the money I can just get it from my grandma. Do you all think its okay to secretly take the money out?
I haven’t told my FI exactly what’s going on BC we already fight about her enough. He has a very hard time ever forgiving her so I know if me and my mom ever make amends he will still hate her…it think he already does.
Post # 15
I would wait until this latest fight dies down a bit and then try to ask your grandma (or your mom) for the money. Tell her you need to start putting deposits on things, buying its little bits of decor, etc, and that you need to be able to access the money easier. But play it really really cool, because you don’t want her to get suspicious that you’re trying to get around her using this money to jerk you around.
It would probably even be better if you were about to make a big purchase, so you could say something like “Oh hey, I’m about to put a deposit down for the florist (or whatever) and I was thinking, this would probably be a lot easier on you two if I just had the money in my checking account, then I wouldn’t need to bother you every time I have to write a check, especially since the wedding is getting closer now…”
But if they balk, don’t push it! You definitely don’t want them to get suspicious or cause another fight (especially a fight about money!) So if they don’t like the idea, just sort of brush it off and say “oh ok, it’s no big deal, I was just trying to make things more convenient for you, no worries!”
You can’t actually keep the money if your mom demands it back though, even if you do get it into your possession. It’s still her money and if she really demands to have it back, keeping it would be stealing. However you having it already might make her a little less apt to demand it back, just because that would be an extra step she would have to go through rather than just taking it back herself…
Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Is there any way you can just avoid her and avoid talking about any potentially controversial issue? Just don’t bring up the deep issues for a few months, and if she brings them up, just be non-committal in your answers and change the subject.
Post # 16
Wow, I’ve got that same problem. I’ve been wondering what to do because we are a few months out and my mom has been fighting with me from the beginning. She wants to control everything I do. I was told to not wear the shoes I like, have the food my fiancé and I love. She’s making me nutty and making me want to go to vegas and just get it over with so I don’t have to go through the whole ordeal.
I wish I could help you. Your mom loves you but weddings make everyone who loves you go little crazy. I would have a plan B just in-case she pulls out. No matter what happens you’ll be married! 🙂 Hang in there!!!