Post # 1
My fiance and I got into a huge fight about this last night and I’m not sure what to do.
We’re both in our mid 20s. He’s a great guy, nice, loving. He is one of those guys that are hard not to like. As my sister puts it, “I hate him because I can’t hate him.” He’s from Canada and I’m from California. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for 5 years, seeing each other very rarely and recently got engaged in November. I’m still a virgin, he’s not and, though very hard for him, he’s been very patient and understanding about it.
I don’t remember how it came up but last night the topic of our wedding night came up and how he wants to make love for the first time that night. I told him I would love to but I’m not sure if we would be able to. I’m not working at this time, don’t have health insurance, not on birth control and I’m really not ready to become a mom anytime soon. I brought up using a condom and he really doesn’t want to do that. He figures as long as he pulls out it would be okay. My only issue with that is that it still puts me at risk of getting pregnant. I expressed my concerns about it and he said that it would be fine, and when I questioned it again he said that you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex, how for some people it takes years for them to get pregnant, that I only think I’ll get pregnant because of my “fear” of getting prenant, and how everything you learn from school about sex is just fear propaganda. That was the fight. He got mad, I was in tears, we stopped taking about it and made up before the end of the night.
Normally, he’s the reasonable one and has to tell me to be logical and think more reasonably (I’m a little bit of a hypochondriac) but when it comes to sex, he think he has super sperm. In past conversations, he has said that his sperm won’t get me pregnant because he doesn’t want it to. I think he’s joking but he sounds so serious about it sometimes and when I ask him to be serious he says he is being serious.
I’m not sure what to do or how to find a compromise. I don’t mind getting on birth control but I don’t have insurance and I have a really big fear of doctors/medical things. I don’t mind going to the doctor but I need him there for the support and comfort. I know it’s silly but I had some really bad experiences with doctors when I was young and it’s just always stuck with me and I have a little bit of a fear of finding something seriously wrong. There is no one else in my life that I am close to and can talk to about this or go with me so I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Post # 3
Umm okay first of all good for you for not being a freggin’ idiot. Hell YES you can get knocked up the first time. Hell YES his sperm get knock you up regardless of weather he “wants it to”. I’m sorry but what a freggin’ idiot he is. Seriously.
On to you, why don’t have a job? Get one! Get on birth control, buy spermicide, etc. Second if this is how it’s going to be with you no sex until you want a baby you both are going to have major, and when I say major I mean MAJOR relationship problems. He IS going to expect sex once married and if you’re not going to give it to him (100% your choice) you need to work this out before hand…
Post # 4
I totally agree with @vmec:. Also, I really think that the two of you should attend some planned parenthood classes. He needs to get educated and you can go to support him. Also, you should be able to get birth control from planned parenthood at either a reduced cost or no cost. They operate on a sliding scale.
Post # 5
Honestly…you should think twice about marrying this guy. I remember guys acting like this in high school – telling me lies about sex and refusing to wear a condom when asked. It’s horribly childish and irresponsible and I think that you need to reevaluate the person you are considering spending the rest of your life with if he’s willing to treat you this way regarding you wishes for sex.
I’m sorry, but this is appaling to me. I’m sorry you are in this position but this is a HUGE issue that needs to be dealt with ASAP.
Post # 6
Oh yeah and better get him tested. And a verbal response isn’t sufficient. Hard copy results, clearly he’ll tell you anything to get you to screw.
Post # 7
There are spermicides that are effective, but really, I would get on the pill. Where are you from? Most counties have programs where you can get on birth control for free or nearly free if you are low (or no) income. When you make an appointment with a doctor (you WILL have to go eventually, might as well find one you like) make sure you explain your fears. Doctors are really caring. Bring whomever you need to make you feel comfortable.
And as they say: If you aren’t prepared to have a baby, you aren’t prepared to have sex (married or not) so prepare yourself. Anything can and does happen no matter how careful you are.
Post # 8
You can go to plan parenthood and get checked for a minimal fee or for free. I’m not sure about the details but one of my friends got what they called a pink card which give her access to health care. You can get it for free if you can prove you don’t have enough revenue which is your case.
Post # 9
Sorry Canada but I hope his thoughts on sex and getting pregnant isn’t an indication of the sex education you all are getting up there. 🙂
Yes you can get pregnant the 1st time and still if he pulls out. Head over to Planned Parenting (I don’t think they are just in Washington). You don’t need insurance and they will give you birth control for a year for a donation of your choosing. Also, you will likely have a lady doctor who is gently enough to make you feel like she’s not a doctor. You could even bring a friend if you needed some support.
Please don’t have unprotected sex until you’re ready to be parents.
Post # 10
How old is your FI? A grown man should have a better understanding of how reproduction works. I agree with the PP about going to Planned Parenthood.
Post # 11
Birth control is free at your local health clinic. And I feel as if this is a talk you should have had a long time ago. Either way, good luck with whatever you decide–but definitely hit up the health clinic.
Post # 12
Well, first of all–pregnancy 101…the only 100% way to guarantee not getting pregnant is abstinence. Second to that, you NEED to use a contraceptive. Hormonal birth control OR a barrier like a condom (or ideally both) is the next best way to not get pregnant. “Pulling out” is NOT a birth control method. And, I want to say that again because it’s so important….it’s NOT a birth control method.
That being said, if you are going to have sex and you don’t want to get pregnant, you need to find a method of contraception the two of you agree upon, whether that’s condoms or a hormonal method like the pill.
I know you said you don’t have insurance. Planned Parenthood would be a good resource to check out for inexpensive birth control options. I know that you said you’re uncomfortable with doctors, though that’s even more of a reason Planned Parenthood would be a good option. So much of what they do is working with individuals helping them figure out contraceptive options, and what makes the most sense for them.
Not knowing where you are in California, check out this site. http://www.ppactionca.org/ This will get you to the closest site near your home.
PLEASE find a way to discuss this with your fiance, and PLEASE make sure you don’t cave just because of what he says. Your body is not something to take lightly, and please don’t put it at risk for unwanted pregnancy just because he doesn’t want to wear a condom.
Post # 13
@judithsr: I wish there was a way to “like” posts the way you can on facebook. Well put.
Post # 14
Agree with EVERYTHING vmec said.
Don’t let him talk you into anything, it’s YOUR body – take control!
Post # 16
I know this sounds really unsupportive, but are you sure you want to marry this person? What he’s saying sounds nuts… like nuts in the “he needs to see a psychologist right now” way. If he seriously believes the garbage he’s telling you I can’t imagine what he tries to convince you of in other areas of your relationship. He’s being incredibly insensitive to your feelings and needs. It’s your first time! It should be comfortable and loving, not worrying and directed.
I really hope you consider this decision very carefully. If he’s pressuring you, his FI, then I wonder if he’s really been keeping it in his pants at all. I think an STD test is essential and both of you should go to Planned Parenthood. If nothing else, he’ll actually be called on his BS and you can get ideas on how to keep yourself safe and baby-free.
Be direct with your FI, don’t take NO for an answer. If he loves you, he will want to do these things for you. I hope you two can work it out and that he gets educated on whats what.