Post # 1
Fellow Lady Believers,
I’m about 9 months out from my wedding. (YAY!) My fiance is an incredible man of the Word, loves the Lord with his whole heart, and will be an incredible leader of our household. I cannot wait to minister alongside him (we are both pastors).
I’m dealing with some serious apprehension about the wedding night and our future physically intimate relationship. We are both virgins and have a serious commitment to purity. We kiss, and both share touch as a primary love language. However, I am desperately afraid of the pain that may be involved. I hate awkward moments. I’ve always dealt with insecurity in body issues. I don’t think I even ever had “the talk” with my mother since it was SO embarrassing to me, I just kind of shushed her up since we had talked about it at my Catholic school (ridiculous, I know). I am positive that he will be patient, kind, and gentle, but just could use some reassurance. Do any of you have any words of advice or suggested resources that I could check out?
Thank you, Ladies!
Post # 3
I would just tell you to not rush into it. My husband made sure to let me know that we did not have to do anything till I was ready. Let your husband know that you want to relax first, take a bath to get used to being naked around each other, and just let sex happen naturally. Trust me, it’ll happen.
Don’t expect it to be mind blowing amazing at first, especially on the first time. Though the intimacy of our first night was wonderful, it was very painful (and still is somewhat). Try to relax as much as you can first so it won’t be as painful.
I know that you are worried about your insecurities, but you will enjoy sex a lot more if you realize that your husband loves you the way you are & thinks you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.
I hope this helps a little. 🙂
Post # 4
@missbee15: I also am a Christian woman who married a pastor, and I was a virgin until my honeymoon, too. Like you and your Fiance, my Darling Husband and I chose not to do anything with each other but kiss prior to our marriage.
Even though I was an older bride, I still had apprehension about the wedding night and honeymoon. I think that’s very normal. Afterall, even though friends can provide advice, and you can find information from a variety of sources, it’s not really the same as being in the situation yourself.
I just wanted to note that, although sex likely will be awkward and even uncomfortable initially, I don’t think it necessarily will be painful for you.
Post # 5
I can say that the pain everyone talks about isn’t really awful pain. DH and I were virgins on our wedding night too (well, and the next morning too, ha, because we fell asleep) and it was more uncomfortable than painful. And even that was just for a second.
And remember, sex isn’t just intercourse! Exploring each other’s bodies in other ways is NOT painful at all and is (should be) a great prelude to everything else.
Post # 6
I agree with the advice to not rush into it. Taking things slowly will help ease some of that pressure and anxiety you are feeling building up. Ok, I’m going to be super direct and frank with some advice for you. Ready? Honestly just being naked with each other, caressing and kissing, etc. is going to feel amazing. Start there, and once you are feeling more relaxed and confident, try to move on to stimulating each other with hands. Take the time to enjoy what is happening in the moment, communicate what feels good, what you want each other to keep doing or stop doing, that sort of thing. Maybe from there try oral stimulation. Whatever you are comfortable wtih. Once you are feeling more relaxed and ready, then move on to intercourse (again, don’t feel pressure to make this all happen on the wedding night – maybe spread this out over several days!). Make sure you have plenty of lubrication going on – I’d recommend buying some lube just for good measure. That will help ease some of the pain sensation. Have him enter you slowly, stopping to let you and your body adjust to the penetration. As your Fiance is also a virgin, he might not last very long once the penetration has started, so this may take a few tries before he makes it all the way in. Again, that is totally fine! Communicate that to him, because that is likely what he will be worrying about. Keep in mind that honesty and communication is so, so important in a healthy sex life with each other. Hope these suggestions help, and best of luck to you! 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo
I second everyone else’s recommendations to take it very slowly. There is a big range of physical acts between kissing and penetration, so probably a lot of it will be new. I will say that the more foreplay or caressing each other’s bodies you do before penetration the more relaxed and lubricated you will be and it will not hurt as bad. You may be surprised at the places on one anothers’ bodies that caressing or touching brings pleasure, it’s not all below the belt. A lot of women really enjoy having their nipples touched or kissed, some people really enjoy having their ears licked or sucked, etc etc. (is this too explicit for weddingbee? if so i am so sorry) I would say that you don’t have to have penetration the first night. Most couples progress from kissing to making out to more heavy petting/more nudity before they have intercourse, so you shouldn’t feel like you have to do everything on the first night. You want to have a good experience, and the best way to do that is to do only the things that your body is telling you it wants to do (and trust me, it will let you know!) Also one of the sexiest things can be to talk to one another about what you like and don’t like or what sounds interesting to you. It gets your brain thinking about what is going to happen and gets you both excited.
Also, the pain is not terrible. Remember, your vagina can accomodate a baby, so your husband is not going to hurt you. Everything stretches. I would definitely recommend getting some lube because you will have less pain if everything is sort of sliding gently, not being forced. I would also recommend that you start with using either his or your finger with some lube to get you used to the sensation and to lubricate inside you before he tries to penetrate you. Some women bleed and some don’t, but if you do it will be just a little bit.
I don’t know if this is something you would be comfortable doing, but you might want to think about using your hands to touch/stimulate and penetrate yourself before the wedding. I think you will feel more relaxed and things will be at least a little bit familiar, and you will be better able to tell your Fiance what feels good to you. Also using even your hands inside yourself will get your body ready so you won’t have so much pain at first.
Good luck! It will get really really fun soon!
Post # 9
@missbee15: Would you consider not doing everything the first night?
Post # 10
@nycsa: I was going to ask this too…I know you’re afraid of the awkwardness, OP, and I think it’s more likely to be awkward if you go straight from only kissing to having sex. Not to sound like a gross guy with the baseball reference, but there are bases before going all the way! And I think you’d be a lot more comfortable if you go from kissing to making out/touching eachother through clothes, and then start taking clothes off and touching eachother and using your hands before you actually have sex. My saying all that probably makes you want to shush me like you used to your mom, haha, but I think it’s a valid point.
And as far as the pain goes, it’s different for everyone. Some people will tell you it doesn’t really hurt and it’s just uncomfortable, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance and for me it did still really hurt. But that was partially because we skipped something important- lube! It can make a world of a difference in how easily everything goes your first time. But for me as soon as I got past the part that hurt, it instantly felt amazing. But if it hurts too bad the first time, it’s okay to take a break and try again alter, or the next day.
Post # 11
Everyone else has awesome advice about taking it slow. I would also say this: even if it hurts for you, think of it as a pain you can control. As if you were pulling off a Band-Aid, and could do it when you were ready, and as gradually or quickly as you want! Bad comparison, I know, but if it hurts, you guys CAN stop and go back to things that felt better. If it hurts the first time, it won’t ALWAYS hurt. If it hurts a little at first, it may stop hurting in a bit. And it may not hurt at all! Just think of yourself as having control over this, and being able to communicate to your husband what you need. You two will be working together to create a pleasurable experience for you both.
One thing — I know you hate awkward moments, but you may want to have one with your husband-to-be long before the wedding night, to tell him about these fears, and to let him share any anxieties or thoughts he might have about the first night. I don’t think a commitment to purity should preclude some pre-planning communication on this front. And (not a believer here, so forgive me if I’m speaking the wrong language) perhaps you two could pray about this together before and/or on the wedding night?
Post # 12
I would consider going slowly, as in maybe easing into the idea of being comfortable and physical with eachother. Touching, cuddling, shower together, these things will make you more comfortable with eachother and then continue even a few nights int othe honeymoon or after the wedding. You do not HAVE to do it the night of, that is alot of pressure.
Talk to your SO and maybe knowing that it doesnt have to happen right away will make things easier .. you never know it might just happen naturally that way
Post # 13
I realise this thread is two weeks old now, but wanted to offer you some advice. Please do not worry, it is the most wonderful thing that can happen. The important thing is just to enjoy each others company, there is no rush, there is no set rule to say you have to do it on the wedding night. Im not married yet but have chosen not to wait with my fiance (thats another story).
This person will be your husband, the person you can feel the most relaxed around – it doesnt matter if things dont go quite as planned the first time around. Take a long bath with each other, talk about your day, take your time. If you drink alcohol – dont drink too much alcohol, this can “dry you out” (sorry no other way to say it) and make it more uncomfortable. He doesnt have to penetrate you completely either (sorry if this is too much info) but maybe just have him lie on top of you for a while without pentrating with the tip of his x just touching you, just so you can “feel” each other – your body will also start responding to his presence and will relax more into it, the chemical reactions will start which will “open you up” if you like. Then take it slowly, if it hurts tell him to stop, take your time…there is no rush!
With my fiance it was about our 4th time before it would be considered perfect (although to me it was all perfect) because I found it quite painful and he had to take it really slowly.
Chat with your fiance, he may be just as scared as you. You love each other, you really dont have to be scared about this! Also remember your hymen (which is the most painful part) may be already broken from riding bikes, horse riding etc etc. Few women are “true” virgins these days even if they havent had sex!
Please dont worry about it! Enjoy it!
Post # 14
Congrats!! I just read this post because I previously was h OMB the same feelings about the wedding night. My wedding is less then 2 weeks away and it does make me a bit nervous since j am a virgen. Well is friend suggested I read this book called “Sheet Music” by Dr Leman. I read it and it made me feel a lot more confident in that first night. You only tweak Chapter 1-4 pew-wedding and then the rest after the wedding!
I really hope you get this book cause it will make you feel much better. It out Fiancé can read it too!
Hope this helped! God bless!!
Post # 15
12 years ago, I too was a virgin on my wedding night. It was more painful than I thought it’d be and it ended up with me begging my mother to pick me up, but we made it though and so will you!
Just be honest with him and let him know that you’re nervous. Don’t be disaprpointed if it doesn’t happen on the first, second, or even third time. Just keep trying and congratulations!
Post # 16
@garciarox4real We read that book in premarital counseling! I think we both found it helpful.
OP: Our wedding night was the first time for both of us. It was wonderful, special, and amazing. Don’t feel pressured to “do it all” that first night.
I did have pain issues for the first couple months of our marriage. Remember it’s a process and you have your whole lives to figure it out!