Post # 1
New here – I could use some wisdom/perspective here…
Background: 2nd marriage for me, my kids are grown (19yrs/21yrs), after raising them together the last 8 years and putting off my sweetie, we started planning a wedding. It took some doing on my part as I didn’t think I want to “make it official” but I love him and came to a place that I realized I do want to spend my life with him and if that means a wedding he wants than cool – I just love this guy:)
So Far: Date is in less than six months. Ceremony and reception planned at a venue that seats 80 – thought we had worked out the list but,I have the STD’s addressed which total 76 ppl (family-mostly out of town) no friends as of yet – uhg. Our estimates for everything is double our budget and I am doing most stuff myself. We are both feeling stressed. No support from my family – both of my parents died years ago. His family is out of state. Like all good families we have complicated relationships. Thought a coordinator would help so I got quotes – yikes.
Now: My FI has not been happy the last few months – feeling overwhelmed (work, responsibility, stresses) and reconsidering even wanting a “big” wedding with high costs (we are both super fiscally responsible and agree the costs are ridiculous to us.) Elopement he suggested doesn’t fit for me as I need/want to have my sons with us when we finally do this – it already painful not to have my parents witness this ceremony. He doesn’t know what he wants – for the first time in my life with him, he doesn’t know what he wants. I am trying not to let it shake my trust in our relations but it makes me question everything.
Adding to this is the fact that I had been trying to keep us both focused on what matters suggesting we talk about the vision we have for our lives together. After avoiding the “visioning” conversation he informed that he is going through a midlife crisis. And wants to go on a “walkabout.” One part of me is fed up – I finally did my own work to accept that a wedding/marriage is important /see the value in it and now he is shifting his need. A second part of me says if he wants to go travel and get some time to himself then I want that for him too. In the meantime, I just don’t think I can keep planning a wedding that neither of us are totally down to plan/vision.
So: It feels like a lot. Without knowing his vision I feel like I am holding a vision that is not shared. I know he loves me – and he wants to marry me. I don’t have to marry but I would like to know we share a vision of what our life will look like together. I feel really frustrated with the “indecision/uncertainty” yet I understnad his need to soul search.
I am wondering if we should just wait to plan a wedding. Family would need to be told but no STD’s have been sent so we’re good there. FYI, our family already thinks we’re flakey cuz we’ve been together for so long with out “pulling the trigger.”
This is really hard.
Post # 3
If I were you (which obviously I’m not so take this with a grain of salt) I would elope and have my sons there, so make it a sort of family vacation. It may really help give your significant other the clarity he needs too, because he really want to travel and probably get back to the root of his life, which is you and the family you have created together.
Planning a wedding does not make anything easier, and I also wanted to elope but my FI wouldn’t hear of it without doing a reception, which I didn’t want to do.
Post # 4
Men are crazy like that… FI proposed WAY before I expected him to, then wanted a 2 year engagement!
Men are great at saying “This is mine”, but something about the actual planning seems to freak them out!
Can you talk about changing what type of wedding you’re having? Maybe a morning or early afternoon wedding with a cake/punch reception for your 100 people minimum, or just having 20 of your nearest and dearest with a ritzy dinner?
We cut our guests from 150 to 45, then decided to do a morning wedding with a formal luncheon. Then we’re all going out dancing that night! So we didn’t have to hire a DJ and we only need 6 hours from our photographer.
It’s saving us a TON of money!
Post # 5
@Satyalove: how about a nice destination wedding your sons can attend and everyone can pay their own way.
Post # 6
@Kat: Thank you. I actually suggested that we do just that. He didn’t express wanting that and told me that he does not have the same relatioship with the boys as I do (understandable I guess-I just see us as a family unit.) Then, he started refelcting on how distant he is to the boys and bringing up a question I asked him a while back re: I know he wants to get married – I am just not always clear that he wants to mearry me, and everything that comes with that (my sons, my needs, household respnsibiltiy etc). He started addressing that he sees how distant and “selfish”he has been with regards to my sons. I am feeling really confused. I thought we had moved through this stuff.
Maybe I should tell him I want to postpone the wedding until we can get clar about what both of us want. uhg.I cannot say that I am not feeling sad.
Love this – I have talked about this change. I like the idea of a morning wedding with a brunch reception. Brunch is my favorite. He is open to that but really wants to let himself “not know” what he wants ” for a minute. I just feel stressed.
Post # 7
@Satyalove: Yes, it seems like you would both benefit from taking a step back here. Sometimes the actual act of having the wedding can make everything seem a little more scary, after all you are going to be legally and morally accountable for each other and each others needs from that point on in every sense of the word.
Getting married while somebody is in a midlife crisis is not going to help the relationship what so ever.
Maybe when this phase passes you can get back to why are both love with each other so much, and why making that official and eterna decisionl is such a great and logical idea.
Until then, take a breath and wait it out.
Post # 8
@Satyalove: It sounds like your husband is mostly stressed about the wedding, as opposed to the marriage (am I reading that right?). If it’s the marriage he wants a “walkabout” from, then I would put off wedding plans and go into couples’ counseling. Sure, everyone needs time to themselves, but it’s not like he’s 22 and he needs to go discover who he is. He needs to figure out if the bigger midlife crisis would be to lose you and the life you’ve built together.
If you go ahead with wedding plans, could you possibly do a more casual backyard/pot luck/bbq kind of wedding, either at your home, or the home of a friend? That way, you wouldn’t have to pay exorbitant venue/catering fees and you could still have a slightly larger celebration. I also like the idea of a family vacation destination for the actual wedding, and maybe just a bigger party for when you return for the larger family.