Post # 1
So I’m probably going to get a lot of crap for this.
But, my FI has like four “best friends”, now I’ve never been thrilled with his friends but I’ll accept them because they are his friends. But there is one that I reallyyyyy don’t like. When we first decided to move in together, he was COMPLETELY against it. He went to my FI and told him how bad of an idea it was and basically tried to talk him out of it. I was Pissed…
So now we’re getting married, and I’ve always wanted a small wedding party. So I didn’t want more than about three. So that obviously was going to be a problem. So we talked about it and I gave the suggestion that Mr. Butthole shouldn’t be in the wedding. My FI was not too happy with this. Now keep in mind that they don’t talk very often, Mr. Butthole lives in a different state thirteen hours away and only talks to my FI when he wants something or something stupid reminds him of him. That’s about once a month, if that.
So I gave my reasoning. I said that people that supported our relationship from the beginning should be in our wedding. All of my girls were very supportive and most of his guys were. Now one of his other friends are also getting married, so we talked about it last week and I didn’t even mention that I wanted Mr. Butthole out of the wedding and that was the first thing he said when we started talking about it. He said that he hadn’t been there for them and he did kinda abandon them and he did talk crap about us for a while. So he completely understood. But it’s still an underlying problem with my FI.
What do you guys think?
Post # 3
I think he should have whomever he want to in the wedding and you should back off. It’s his wedding too.
Post # 4
But it’s also my wedding. I shouldn’t have to look at my pictures years back and say “hmm, I wonder what Mr. Butthole was telling my FI the whole time before my wedding”.
I understand it’s OUR wedding. But would you want someone who tried to ruin your relationship in your wedding?
Post # 5
I think it’s his groomsmen, so he should be able to pick who he wants and doesn’t want. There are some guys that I am not too fond of that my FI hangs or associates with from time to time, but those are his relationships. Im sorry that you are having issues with Mr. Butthole but you might just have to keep focused on the two of you, they are only going to stand up there. Be glad he doesnt have to do more than that, unless he is asked to. And remember that you can’t “force” someone to see what you see in someone else, they have to figure it out on their own, and eventually he will, in his timing!
ADDED** And if someone is trying to intentionally “ruin” your marriage/wedding, then thats just sad and juvenile, he’s probably just jealous. I dont believe anyone can do that without being allowed to by the other person, so set some boundaries!
Post # 6
I think if he’s truly a jerk and not supportive, it makes sense to not have him in the wedding. BUT if it’s just going to create more drama, you may want to suck it up and just deal with it. If they’ve been friends for a long time, it makes sense for him to be a groomsmen. I would attach strings, though–has your fiance confronted him about not being supportive? It could be a condition of being a groomsmen, ya know–“be nice to my wife and you can be in my wedding; otherwise you are welcome to attend as a guest.” Or you could just have a way small wedding party (maid of honor/best man only) or no attendants at all!
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
Honestly, it just sounds like man BS. So he said some stupid comments in the past and was a butthead. Plenty of my friends/family have done dumb things like that. I only talk to my BFF/MoH once a mo. b/c we’re both really busy. That doesn’t mean I don’t want her in the wedding.
I think you need to look at it from his perspective. If one of your friends acted jerky for a few weeks b/c they had concerns about your relationship, then turned it around later, would you want him to pester you about not having your friend in the wedding? Maybe he isn’t a high maintenance friend (doesn’t need to interact a lot to still feel close with his friends).
People make mistakes. People change over time. People put their feet in their mouths. If he really wants this guy in his wedding, let him. If he ends up not being friends with the guy years from now, you’re not going to look at the wedding pics and be like “ZOMG, there’s your d$%chey friend!” But if you don’t let him have his friend in the wedding, your FH might always remember that.
Post # 8
He see’s it. And he’s not in my wedding party because my FI agrees with me, I think it took another one of his friends telling him the exact same thing I had but that’s okay.
I just can’t believe there are actually people that are okay with people who tried to ruin your relationship being in your wedding. It’s ridiculous.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
I guess I misunderstood that he’s done more things to ruin the relationship than just being against you moving in together at first…
Post # 10
Mr. Butthole sounds a bit immature. I think just about every guy has one friend that just rubs everyone else the wrong way (I know my FI has one). I think it’s very comforting that your FI is so loyal to his friend to want to include him. I totally see why you are concerned and wouldn’t want to include him though. It’s important to realize that your FI will figure it out on his own (hopefully sooner, rather than later and without really hurt feelings) and that is far better than you making the decision for him. Just try to be the super supportive fiance…your fiance will totally appreciate that.
Post # 11
@bellagio: Yeah, that’s what confused me as well. If he has actually outright spoken out against you guys being together, then I totally get where you are coming from. But if he was just against you moving in together, then I would have to argue that you can like your friend’s partner but not recommend that they make that step quite yet.
It sounds like it’s worked itself out, though, so I’m happy for you that you don’t have to deal with it anymore. 🙂
Post # 12
@bellagio: Thing is he hasn’t changed.
For instance, my grandmother died in November. He moved back into town in December and he moved in an exact month after my grandmother died so my family had planned to go to her grave. So Mr. Butthole called and asked if we would go help him move in. And when my FI said no he got Pissed and keeps bringing it up in random times. He’s always trying to hang out but we live thirty minutes away and we are college students on a tight budget. So instead of him offering to come see us he’s always expecting us to come see him.
I know these aren’t great examples but they all add up.
@pinkpaperbride: And no. My FI is more worried about making his friends mad than me, which is another big issue in our relationship.
Again I think most of you are missing the point.
MY FI HAS AGREED HE IS NOT IN THE WEDDING. It’s not an issue, it just gets brought up every now and then. I was just getting some input on the topic.
Post # 13
I’m positive he’s still against us being together. But just doesn’t want to bring it up. None of his friends were thrilled when we got together. I actually ended up cussing out one of his friends about a situation and believe it or not he’s the one I’m closest to now. After we talked it out he said that he respected me for stepping up and caring about our relationship enough to stand up to one of his best friends. But my FI doesn’t want that to happen to this guy so I’m staying back.
Post # 14
How old are you? I agree with you on this topic, it just seems that this friend isn’t very mature – but you have to be sure to handle it in a mature way too.
Post # 15
If you are secure in your relationship with FI then it should not matter who he has in his wedding party. You should be able to trust your FI to make the right decisions and not listen to Mr. Butthole when he tries to convince him otherwise. Really, you should not care that Mr. Butthole is even there unless you think he will do something to spoil the entire wedding.
Post # 16
I’m doubt he’s ever tried to actively ruin your relationship. Maybe it was some “keep your freedom” man-type crap that all of them say until they’re buying rings for their own girlfriends. Even if he is out to destroy you for some reason, it’s not really up to you who stands on that side of the altar. Your fiance likes him enough, and that’s what really matters.