(Closed) wedding party dilemmas… bridesmaid chose same wedding date

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

When did you announce your date? Did you announce it to your friends? I think if you announced it first, you need to have a convo directly with her and ask her why on earth she would pick the day she KNEW you were getting married when you have so many mutual friends.

Post # 5
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

That’s very selfish of her!  It sounds like everything is rush-rush with her!  Who knows maybe the wedding won’t happen (4 months of dating-no offense to anyone). 

Just say to her nonchantly, “oh you picked the same day as us.”  If she knows and doesn’t care, what can you do.  Your friends from school will just have to chose.  And be prepared from all this you girls may not end up being friends anymore!   

Post # 6
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I know how you feel.  My FI’s friend just told us he is getting married 3 days after us.  They weren’t dating when we got engaged.  He knew about our date, etc.

There is no possible way they can come to our wedding.  And I’m not about to go to there wedding on my honeymoon.

I think it is very rude of this girl.  It obviously isn’t a special date for them because they haven’t been together long enough to have had spent that date together.

I would just let her know that you wish that she would be able to attend your wedding and you like wise and could she find another date so you both can attend?

Post # 7
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

So she went from a bridesmaid to now not even coming to your wedding?  That’s weird.  You really need to talk to her and let her know you don’t understand why she would choose the exact same wedding date as you.  It’s a year away, she should be able to choose another day!

Post # 8
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This post is particularly poignant for me. We just found out a week ago that one of our ushers can’t come bc his brother is getting married. His brother is an acquaintance of ours, but not invited to our wedding. He knew the date was the sames as ours, though, because the usher asked us two different times when our wedding was taking place. We were OK with this though, because it is family, obviously!

So then we mentioned this to one of our groomsmen – he is close with the other groom. (As an aside, we picked our date over a year ago and invited asked our friends to be in a bridal party over a year ago as well). Now he is debating whether to stay in our wedding, or go to this other wedding as a guest. The other wedding will be in another country and will be amazing, I’m sure. But I am very close to this groomsman and his gf, as is my FI. I am simply devastated at the thought of them not being in our wedding. I’ve been moping for two days about it.

WHY do people chose dates that are already taken? If I knew my good friends were already committed to another wedding, I would NEVER choose that date. In addition to being an inconvenience to the couple, it puts mutual guests in a terrible position! If I were you I would get out your save the dates asap. What else can you really do, though? She seems to have jealousy issues at the very least. Try not to let it get you down! Although I can’t even follow my own advice….

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh man…i agree, 4 months and they’re getting engaged? Either they are one of the few that will swing this, or they are the one of many who, in a year, will end up splitting. I’ve seen the latter happen many times over than the other option so don’t hold your breath. Sucky she’s doing this though! I doubt too much family will choose her wedding over yours since yours was basically “first” and everybody probably knows you guys.

Post # 10
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

That is just *weird*. I don’t even think it’s worth bringing up with her, though, if you’re trying to get her to change it; she knew what she was doing… it’s just too ridiculous for her not to have realized the situation she put you and everyone else in. I wonder what her problem is?

Post # 11
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This is one of those situations in which you can really only control yourself and your own actions.  I don’t see the need to pretend like it is a non-chalant issue. She knows what she is doing and seems like she is sort of itching for a big confrontation over it. I would directly say “I am confused about why you picked the same wedding day. I understand and respect your decision not to be in our wedding, but I had always imagined you being there and likewise supporting you on your day.” If she comes up with 50 reasons why she HAS to have that exact day I would just say “I’m dissapointed that you feel that way.” And then… leave it.  She looks like the bad guy here. And yes a few select friends will end up not attending, but that is okay. It is the nature of weddings that some people you wish could be there, won’t be. Don’t change your date, don’t demand she change hers. That only enagages you in something that is bound to turn ugly. I would get you STDs out ASAP. Maybe send her’s attached to a copy of Bride Wars. I would guess that once you have the date out to friend on paper, she will back off of it. If she doesn’t then, unfortunately, she isn’t the friend you thought she was.

Post # 12
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, first, you have an awesome wedding date, because I picked it, too.  And I partly picked it because my future sister-in-law is getting married 3 months before us, and I wanted to make sure that there was plenty of time between hers and ours, because she’s been engaged much longer than we have and I didn’t want her to feel like we were stealing her thunder.

And second, I can’t believe how rude and childish and selfish this girl is being. Is it jealousy — she couldn’t bear that you were getting married first and that’s why she’s fast-tracked her own?

I think I would actually consider whether writing her a letter might not be the best way. You could explain why you’re upset and set things out very clearly and calmly. It sounds like any face-to-face conversation might get emotional with things said on both sides that might be hard to forgive.

Also, you’re not the one putting your friends in the middle — she is.

Post # 13
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree, that’s pretty bad behavior.  But I’ve seen both sides of the issue.  Last May, 2 of my sorority sisters, J and K, got married on the same day. J had been engaged for 3 years, and her date had been the same the whole time (the weekend after graduation).  This was not a secret.  K was engaged for 5 months.  They had a pretty similar guest list (our chapter!) so why would K choose that date?  I actually asked her (much more delicately) and she said it was because her grandmother was dying, so they had to move the wedding up, and that was the only day her father could make.  It wasn’t ideal, but it’s what her family could do.  She probably had her reasons why that was the day that worked.

Post # 14
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ugh that’s just awful. I see so many of these posts where people do this to friends and family members and I just do not understand. My FI and I were planning our wedding before I had my ring and I had originally planned to do early October since I love fall colors. Then, lo and behold, one of my best friends (who had been with her man way longer than FI and I) announces her engagement and that she literally picked the exact weekend we wanted. What did I do? What could I do. I hadn’t announced it to people (except family) because we didn’t have the ring yet and didn’t want to deal with people’s judgy attitude, so I sucked it up and didnt say a thing to her about it. I pushed my wedding up two months because we have a ton of the same OOT friends and it would not be fair to them to ask them to come back again so quickly. And that was that. It NEVER occurred to me, nor would I ever have, continued planning my wedding for that weekend or even within a few weeks of that. People that do that suck and do not care about anyone but themselves. She’s clearly dumped from the bridal party and I’d honestly consider dumping her from your life because as someone who WAS a good and considerate friend in this situation, I can tell you she is a s**tty friend.

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