Post # 1
Ok, so we have a friend who we asked to be an usher (I know, not a main character, but still involved). He’s usually a great guy. However, in the past few months he has changed and is no longer the jolly happy guy we asked to be in our wedding. He was in town for New Years, and a lot of drama went down involving him. So much so, we considered asking him to not be an usher. But, we decided to let it slide. We still have some time to let it all die down.
However, it was brought to our attention last night that he has told just about all of our mutual friends that he doesn’t believe we should be getting married. He was a friend of my fiance’s before we even met. He’s said that we’re all wrong for eachother, that I’ve changed my FI, that I rushed my FI into marriage (we were only together for 11 months), and that my FI has changed so much he’s not even someone this “friend” wants to be around.
Obviously, we no longer want him in the wedding. My FI hates drama and is totally weirded out that he’s in the center of it. So, rather than confront this “friend”, he’d rather just not send him an invitation and hope he gets the point. I think he needs to have a conversation with him. We debated this forever and ended up fighthing about it. He thinks if I want a conversation to be had, I should do it. I think that since it’s HIS friend, and on his side of the party, he should do it.
How do we handle this?!
Post # 3
I think you’re right. Your FI is the one that will have to confront him. You both don’t want him in the wedding (I’d feel the same way) but he’s only involved because of his relationship with your FI. I can understand why your FI doesn’t want to discuss it, there most likely will be a bit of tension if not a full fledge conflict but it seems it can’t be avoided. Just make sure you don’t throw your mutual friends under the bus, like don’t say, “well Johnny told me that you said we shouldn’t be married….”. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that but sometimes things slip out! I just don’t see how you’d be able to just not send the invite without the friend eventually questioning him, and then there is the drama you were hoping to avoid. Jeesh, good luck!
Post # 4
You and your FI seem to be on the same page about this, so that’s a step in the right direction. I think not sending him an invite might come off as rude (don’t take that the wrong way). As much as I am the queen of hiding from a bad situation, my honest advice would be to have your FI talk with him about his concerns. If the Usher truly does not support your marriage, then I would not want him to be a part of my wedding day.
I can’t imagine how hard of a conversation this will be for your FI to have with what used to be a close friend, so I’d say support him all you can, but this needs to be done. The good news is, you do have some time, so help your FI think out what he wants to say before he has “the talk”
Post # 5
Man, that stinks! I’m sorry you’re going through this.
IMHO, you need to formally disengage this guy from your wedding. Not sending him an invite is childish. What if he shows up anyway? No, I think you guys should talk to him together – as a united front. If you talk to him alone, you will just be adding fuel to the fire about how you’re controlling FI, etc. etc. FI should handle it because it is his friend, but at the same time going to him as a couple will reinforce that it’s both of your decision and perhaps make it easier for FI to handle the confrontation with you by his side.
I would simply tell him that in light of the opinions he’s recenlty broadcast about your relationship and his feelings about your wedding, you would prefer not to have his negative energy at your wedding. And since he doesn’t want to be around FI, he does not have to participate in or even attend the wedding.
FI should be prepared to lose this guy as a friend, and you should both be prepared for him to talk even more smack about you guys behind your backs to your mutual friends…
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice ladies! I really appreciate it. The FI has agreed to talk to him, but after the dust settles from all the drama last weekend.
Post # 7
I would agree about sitting down and talking with FI’s “friend”. I recently had a BM issue and thought about dis-inviting her to be a part of the wedding party, but after we sat down, a lot of things came out (99% of them had nothing to do with me or my wedding), and that would have NEVER happened if I had sent an email or an invitation and wated for her to “assume” her responsibilities.
What he said, in regards to you being “wrong” for eachother is completely disrespectful. If he has something to say to you, or FI, he shouldn’t be talking behind your backs. Hopefully it was a misunderstanding and will be straightened out. And if not, you definitely don’t need someone like that around on a day that’s all about the love and support of your closest friends and family. Best of luck!! 🙂
Post # 8
Careful here: it seems like you might be jumping to conclusions, IMO. It sounds like you heard through the grapevine a lot of things that may or may not be true. Before you end a friendship by kicking him out of the wedding, perhaps you should both sit down with him and find out what is going on. Maybe he really needs a friend to talk to…
Post # 9
Greenbee beat me to the punch. I agree I think you shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Remember there are a lot of people out there whom for whatever reasons like to Stir the Pot. So I would ask the FI to give him a call and just see how he’s doing. He will be able to tell if there is a problem and address it if needed.
Post # 10
We let things settle down a bit. Yesterday, my FI emailed the “friend” and gave him a chance to come clean. He didn’t name names and just said, what do you think about us getting married, we’ve heard some stuff that shocked us and we wanted to hear your side before any rash decisions were made. Well, “friend” came back and said that in his opinion, I care more about the wedding that I do the FI. Then proceeded to make up stuff about the people who told us about everything to begin with. After a TON of he said/she said, and the guy making crap up, he “respectfully stepped down” from being a groomsman. Then proceeded to say he was writing off me, my FI, and the friend who told us.
It hurt my feelings really bad. During the whole he said/she said nonsense, I was in my office crying at work. As far as the whole I care more about the wedding crap, whatever! Yes, I do talk about it a lot. But, hello! It’s only 3.5 months away, and it’s the biggest day of my life. But, I do know it’s just a day. I’m far more focused on the lifetime with my best friend that gets to come next. Of course, since he lives 3 hours away, he never gets to see that part. UGH!!!! I could go on and on, but I won’t.
The whole thing is totally ridiculous. He’s an angry person who really doesn’t want to see anyone happy because he’s unhappy. I really feel sorry for him. (Sorry, needed to rant there!)