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Hi,
Like 70 million people out there, I have a Facebook account. I did it to reconnect with high school friends more than anything. I don't use it to post pictures or publish my life. And I have no problem with people that do any of those things either.
Nonetheless, I like my privacy and FB has turned into a monster as you become friends with people from grade school, high school, family, college, ex co-workers, your real friends, etc...
I would really like for our guests to NOT post any pictures in Facebook, let alone tag me in those pictures. I have a lot of reasons for this that are very private to me and the FI. I know I have no control over what they do but can I ask them in a nice way to not do it?
We are doing a Shutterfly website so that our guests can share the pictures of the BIG event and using Miss Kitten's idea for delivering that message. Hopefully those cards can influence our guests to use Shutterfly instead of FB.
I will probably deactivate the FB account or set the privacy settings to the max before the wedding just in case.
Any advice? Is it wrong to tell people to not post in FB?
I would probably deactivate your account if you're concerned about it.
I don't know what the etiquette would be for asking people not to post photots on their facebooks, but it seems to me that the easiest way to get out of losing your privacy would be to get rid of your facebook.
Hope you figure out the best way to do go about this. I think facebook also does have a setting that allows you to limit showing your photos to everyone, but their privacy settings have also evolved.
I think it is a bit much to ask people not to post pics. Although as brides we feel it is "our day" -- your guests are hopefully enjoying the day too and may want to show their other friends what it was like. But you can always untag yourself.
I know what you mean about FB turning into a "monster"...I am actually really considering de-activating my account for that reason...I like Ms. Kitten's idea of the cards with your Shutterfly info.
I don't think it's rude to ask people not to post your pics on FB, I know I wouldn't want mine posted on FB, while I do have pics posted on my profile, I feel that weddings (& other special events) are just so personal, I would just want to share those with my loved ones, not with all of FB.
Deactivating your account is certainly the most extreme option. If you don't really enjoy using the site and don't see much value in it, you could deactivate. But if you'd rather maintain a presence on Facebook while also preserving your privacy, I would just tweak your privacy settings. I'm also FB friends with co-workers and don't need them seeing my photos, so I've calibrated my privacy settings so that only certain friends can see photos where I'm tagged.
You could also un-tag all the photos of you. That's definitely time-consuming, but you can take care of the un-tagging as friends upload pictures and it just takes one click.
I think it's going to be hard.
In FB application settings you can set "Never publish photos" setting there too.
Maybe you can tell the guests - there are a lot of people on your FB that were not invited to your wedding, so you don't want them to feel bad. Hence you would prefer if they don't upload pictures of your wedding there.
I understand what you're saying - there are people on FB that can see the pics my friends post with me in them...people I'm not friends with and quite honestly, don't like and wish they couldn't see me or what I'm up to. But I figure I'll be a beaming bride that day so I don't mind that everyone can see me happy and in love!
I did just run into an issue with my friend, though. She is a BM and came with to try on dresses - I found my dress and we took some pictures with me in it - and then she posted them to FB. I called her right away and asked her to take them down, which she did, but my reasoning was I want people to see me in my dress when I'm walking down the aisle. Not when I'm trying it on and it is 2 sizes too big and I'm all sweaty from all the work that goes into it! (I'm a huge fan of my dress, can you tell??) But I just hope not a lot of people saw it and moved on. 
@ipodgirl -
That is one of the main reasons I don't want the pics to be in FB - people that were not invited to the wedding.
@hellopanda -
Yeah, co-workers don't need to see any of that either...
Untagging is an option but it's really hard and I don't think I'll be checking FB until I come back from my honeymoon. By then, probably all the pics will be already up.
I'm going to try a few privacy settings first and see how it goes.
Hmmm...deactivating your account won't do anything to stop them from publishing photos on FB, it will just stop the photos from being associated with your account. I'm just mentioning this because, if you don't want the photos on FB, not having an account yourself won't stop them from getting there.
If you don't want people to see that you were tagged in a photo or reach the photos from your profile, you can change your profile settings (as ipodgirl mentioned). That seems less extreme (unless you really just don't want a FB account anymore anyways). Also, keeping the account would at least let you see who is posting what from your wedding.
I agree with you about facebook being the privacy invasion monster. I want my special moments and life to be shared with those that mean a lot to me and not the entire FB community. It will be hard to ask people not to post these pictures on facebook. There are privacy settings that you can look into. Just click on this link: http://www.allfacebook.com/2009/02/facebook-privacy/
hope this helps.
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I don't think its too much to ask people to not post them on facebook. I think that if that's what you want to do - then do it.
But as others have mentioned, you can change your privacy settings on viewing the pictures so that only "some friends" can see them (and you can specify the "some friends" as the ones that went).
Or if you see pictures posted of you (and tagged) you can just tell them to take them off - I have posted pictures of people where they kindly ask me to remove them for whatever reason - and I have no qualms with that... I may have taken the picture, but its them, not me, so I wouldn't get butt hurt about it.
What I've seen done - and you can do this, too - is create a picasa album or online album with username and pw for people to post/send you their pictures from the wedding.. on the card it can say, "thank you for coming to our wedding! if you have pictures, please share them with us on this site: xxx. If you are on facebook, we also ask that you not post them there as we want to keep our celebration private. Thank you!"
Or something like that..
I'd like to know how someone will word this. I feel exactly as the original poster. I feel like only the people who were invited should be able to see the pictures.. and at least let me be the one to post pictures of the wedding FIRST rather than have the whole world post them...
I have a facebook account and have always felt that I did not want pictures of my future wedding to be put on there for the world to see. However, if guests wanted to take picture of themselves while they were enjoying the reception or something then I guess, that is their business, not mine.
I thought a lot about this (and I'm not even engaged yet!) and decided that I would have it printed inside the program to say something like:
"Thank you for sharing this intimate and joyous occasion with us today. Because of the sentiment this day brings to us, we humbly and kindly ask that no pictures of the ceremony, bride or groom be posted on any online social networks."
What do you think? Does it sound rude or pretentious?
@peakay - I think that wording sounds great! not at all rude or pretentious.
peakay- I like what you wrote.
My fiance is telling me (as I shared w/him about this facebook thread-- he deactivated his FB account due to the privacy issues), that many coorporate higher ups and celebrities will round up all the digital cameras at the beginning of the function to prevent any pictures surfacing online. It is a little extreme, but I thought I would throw that out there.
Honestly, it has been rather disturbing seeing photos from events that would have otherwise been nice, and then to see photos of moments skewed online. I think it has to do more with the people you surround yourself with, and how they represent themselves and you.
Ultimately, I would hope your friends and family would honor your request.
peakay -
What a great idea to use the programs! I also liked the elocuence of your statement. Very suave.
I'll talk to the people I'm comfortable with about it so that they can spread the word as well. Good delegation task.
Like sparkles said, I would hope friends and family would honor the request.
El Capataz, I'm glad you brought this up. The thought never even occurred to me not to post pictures from a wedding I attended, until I read this. Now I feel badly for posting pictures of some of my cousins' weddings. But as a future bride, I now get it...I don't necessarily want certain "friends" to see pictures if they weren't invited, (although they do need to understand that just because we're "friends" on facebook doesn't automatically mean they get an invite to my wedding). I also wouldn't want friends of friends to be looking at my pictures.
And peakay, what you wrote is perfect! People have to understand that in the world of social networking, web 2.0, mobile phone uploads, twitter, etc., some things need to remain private.
Although I don't see the big deal in having the pictures online (anyone that looks at them will undoubtedly be happy for you) I do think you can ask a few select people to spread the word that facebook is not the medium to share your photos.
How many guests do you plan on inviting? If it is a lot, it might be hard to prevent any mentioning of your wedding on the site. If that's the case, just have a friend check a every so often on your honeymoon if anyone posted anything and to ask that person to kindly remove it. Always provide an alternative (like picasa or flickr) so that people don't feel entirely shut down.
Good luck!
How big is your wedding? Of course, the smaller it is the easier it will be for you to make that kind of request.
I agree with the suggestion to untag yourself. You can absolutely do that to anything that mentions you - photos, notes, etc. And if you see something you don't like, you can ask that it be removed.
I would think that most people would be amenable to the popular suggestion. People posting wedding pics is that they will likely focus more on the guest than on you/ the ceremony. It'll likely be more like, "me at El C's wedding" or "me and my friends having a good time at the wedding" - not necessarily pics of you.
We feel the same way about MySpace...and we dont post any pics of the kids on the net and we keep our site private and our friends keep theirs private too. I have some pics I posted of my friends wedding a few yrs ago but I waited until I saw that she posted her own pics on her site. But I think u should just tell your friends that you dont want them to post your wedding day on their facebook...send out an email to everyone would be an easy way to tell them. Good luck!
Hmm I don't know if someone brought this up already...but just incase they haven't....I will. As far as I know...deleting your facebook account doesn't actually DELETE it. It's still there and people can still access your account. A friend of mine deleted his because he found it too time consuming to deal with but his account's still there (something to do with the rights of facebook owners...they actually OWN any and everything that goes up on that page...if they wanted to take your pictures and sell it...they CAN and I know that it has happened to some people I know). If you delete it...people can still tag you and you WILL be affiliated with the pictures.
SO....I think the best way to go is to do what PEAKAY suggested. It's totally NOT rude! Its the same idea as writing one of those poems that asks guests to give monetary gifts rather than buying you actual gifts for your wedding day.
Another option I guess (this may be kinda harsh but it's do-able) is to not allow pictures to be taken at your wedding....I'm sure there's a polite way to do so...I mean, a lot of older church buildings don't allow photos inside because it will harm the interior materials so it's not like this idea hasn't been done. The only downside of that is you'll have less pictures of your day and (touch wood) if your photographer loses your pictures for whatever reason (IT'S HAPPENED!) you won't have backup.
Hope you find a happy medium!!!!!!
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peakay -- I think your wording is just fine. It may not stop some people, and if you find some photos up there you could simply ask that person individual if they could remove them.
I am with you 100% on it. I am on Facebook merely to catch up with old friends, but still ahve an extended network of people. I just don't feel comfortable with private details in my life being shared with all of Facebook. In fact, I catch myself rolling my eyes when others do it. Immediately after we got engaged, people were telling me to post pictures of my ring. I kindly responded that I'd like to keep all details private but if they want to see the ring, I'd be happy to email it to them personally.
I often find it strange when people document their whole life ... even going as far as posting ultrasound and delivery room pics when people have babies. I guess I just see it much more of a personal thing that I would never do. Just me though.
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It's not rude to ask anyone to let you share your images first! You don't want anyone to steal your thunder! You want to cherish the images with your friends and family and not just let people see them quickly.
Tell your Photographer because many of our clients absolutely love having us post their pictures for them.
Depending on how you word it, your guests might think you are asking them to help you create the best atmosphere for sharing your images.
This is such a sticky subject! Even though I totally can empathize, I think if I was asked not to take any pictures at someone's wedding, I'd be confused, as well as upset. They're making the effort to come to your special day and presumably, many of them want to take pictures... not only of you, but also of perhaps your decor, or even aside from your wedding- them and their date/hubby/significant other/friends/family having fun together. FB has definitely created a different world where privacy is limited by what you choose to share, or even what pictures you choose to be in. I had to make a different FB account so people at work would stop bugging me to "join facebook" when I was already on it, just super private and didn't want to be their friends. So I made a very neutral, business-like page and that's the one I use to be friends with anyone I don't want to know anything about me. It is really an awkward situation though.
I totally see your point especially if there are people whom you don't want to see your pictures. But aside from untagging yourself or having high privacy settings, I'm not honestly sure there is much you can do. It's a sad fact that along with facebook comes minimal privacy. Even if you weren't on it, pictures of your wedding still could (and likely, would) be.
I would put extreme privacy options on any wedding photos that I choose to post on FB. You can choose within your friends who can see what albums and block friends of friends from viewing. You can also allow for certain people to be blocked from any tagged photos. I also have no problem asking people to remove a photo of me from FB. I have done it numerous times.
I always say, "thank you so much for posting, however for professional/privacy reasons, would you mind deleting this from your account?".
This is tricky, I was at an awesome wedding recently and enjoyed seeing photos on facebook from other guests. Personally, I want people to post photos so I can see them before the professional shots!
Oh, I also agree that facebook is a monster and I am thankful that weddingbee has been distracting me from it for awhile, becoming my new drug of choice :)
I think you are going to have a hard time with this. I have my FB privacy settings set so that ALL pictures of me are only viewable to people I have marked as friends. You cant even see my profile pic and I am not searchable. But that doesnt help for pictures that are not tagged or pictures that are posted on sites other than FB.
Do you not want any pictures of the wedding posted or just pictures with you and FH in the scene. I think you are going to have a very difficult time convincing people not to post pictures of themselves.
For the record, I dont think your request is rude at all. You are entitled to privacy. I just think its going to be a very difficult thing to control. What if you requested "no cameras" and made the online proofs available to all of your guests?
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Definitely make use of the facebook privacy settings! You can set a different level of privacy for each type of 'friend'. What I've done with all the random high school acquaintances, former co-workers, and extended family members that I don't know too well is to set up a group called 'restricted'. Under the privacy settings, you can set your status updates, notes and photos so that the restricted group can't see them. You can also dis-allow them from tagging you in a photo. Here's a facebook privacy tutorial: http://www.biztipsblog.com/2008/03/facebook-privac.html
I do think it is kind of extreme to ask people not to post photos from your wedding on their facebook accounts. When I go to a wedding, most of my photos are of the friends/ family that I'm hanging out with. If I even try to take pictures of the first dance or cake cutting, they usually don't turn out very well because there are so many people (including the professional photographer) in the way and I wouldn't even bother posting blurry or far away photos. On the other hand, some people do seem to upload the whole file with both good and bad pictures.
@go2bee: Despite the myth that arose from people reading into the new Facebook user terms of use, Facebook doesn't own any of the material you post, nor can they sell that material (as it is technically copyrighted to the original poster, per US laws...). Also, if someone isn't a Facebook user, they can't be tagged in a photo unless you write their name in the description box.
@ElCapitaz: I like the program idea. You might also do as other bees have done and print a card for a Flickr account with the same request that those photos not be used on online social networks. I completely agree with you about not wanting others to see the pics!! I hate when I see pictures of myself up and I had no idea they were posted!! Anyway, I don't think it's rude to ask, I think it's rude to ignore the request!
And PS-I love your avatar!
Not sure if this was mentioned but you could always de-friend people you don't want to see the pictures. My understanding is they are not notified that you removed them. I am not suggesting you de-friend somone for posting picutres but all those people that have gotten out of control. When I first signed up I was okay being friends with people from highschool that I have not kept in touch with. But now after a year of being their "friend" on face book and never having any one on one contact, I have decided to de-friend a lot of my "friends". I know my girlfriends that have children are very sensitive to this topic. They only accept friend requests from people that currently keep in touch with.
I enjoy looking at peoples weddings I have not been to on facebook. I understand when people are not close enough to me to invite me and actually looking at the pictures helps me feel more involved in their marriage and life. Unless there was someone who I was really close to (like roommates, bffs, etc.) I wouldn't be too terribly offeneded.
I think this was mentioned in passing, but I'm not sure it was emphasized:
Using privacy settings, untagging, or deactivating your account will not prevent people from posting photos of you and your wedding to facebook, it will just prevent your account from being connected to the photos. Other people will still have unfettered access to them.
Good luck!
I like the wording that peakay suggested, you could also print text along the same idea on your card with the shuttlefly website. Just adds something along the lines of "As an alternative to online social networks we have set up a shuttlefly account to provide a safe way for all our guests to share photos from the wedding while still protecting peoples privacy." You can obvioulsy change the wording to sound better but by adding that to you a card that you pass out as well will just be another place for guests to know you don't want your pictures showing up everywhere. Also not everyone picks up and reads everything in the program so this way if it's in two places you have a better chance of people seeing it.
I have to respectfully disagree here. I don't think you have the right to tell people not to post your picture. The only difference between posting pictures on a Facebook account and placing pictures in a scrapbook and then showing it to your friends is that Facebook clearly has a wider audience...but that's the world we live in and have lived in for a few years now. If someone passing you on the street the day of your wedding takes a picture because, let's face it, everyone loves a wedding, are you going to send security out to take their camera?
As much as it sucks, it is the way it is, and I don't think there is an easy way around it. Sure, you can certainly request that your guests not post pictures, but I can't imagine that won't offend at least one person.
I agree with chicagowife...there is no way of getting around photos of you being posted on sites such as facebook unless you ask people not to take photos at your wedding. And to be honest, I would find that very strange if I were asked to do such a thing. I think people would be very upset if they were told at your wedding that they couldn't take photos. Even grandma and grandpa want to snap a few shots!! And the reality is, even if you de-activate your account, those people can still post whatever photos they like under their own account, even if you are not tagged the photo is STILL there for all their friends to see. It's a little frightening to think about, isn't it? Let us know what you decide to do and how it turns out!
I just want to offer a different view of things based on my experience... some of my favorite photos from our wedding were taken by guests, and we never would have seen many of them if it weren't for facebook. I actually ended up contacting a few friends to get the files of the pictures I had seen on facebook that I loved most. Most people put up pictures with a "friends only" or "friends of friends only" setting, and honestly, how can you prevent people from showing photos to their friends (in real life)? I know it might be frustrating to be more public than you're comfortable with, but if you ultimately can't control that, just try to see the bright side- that people had fun at your wedding, want to share their pictures, and others are interested in seeing the event too :)
I hate facebook for that same reason. I wish I could somehow prevent people from posting pictures of me without my consent. I have no problem with people hanging stuff in their houses, but I know a lot of my friends do not maintain a friends-only privacy setting on their facebook.
My wedding pics I'd be ok with sharing... it's mostly party pics that I don't want people from my professional life to see!
I have asked people to take pictures of me off of facebook and I think it's rude to post picture of people on the internet without their permission (password protected sites being an exception). We also have an agreement with our photographer that he will not post our pictures in his gallery and that we approve any pictures that he wants to use as examples.
I think I'll resign myself to not saying anything to people who post pictures of the wedding, but I will have no problem untagging myself. Most of our close friends know how we feel about the issue.
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@MightySapphire - Thanks! 
We actually used Star Wars stamps from Zazzle.com for the Save The Date.
I would never ask people to not take pictures of the wedding. It would be the complete opposite. I love photography and I want to remember this day more than anything else so the more people take pictures the better.
And yes, I know that even if they don't tag me on the pics, people can still publish them and there is nothing I can do about it.
We just want our guests to respect our wishes of not posting anything in Facebook or a social network and instead post them in the Shutterfly website we are building. That way, everyone that went to the wedding will be able to see the pics from everyone.
I know that's a lot to ask but my sister's 700 friends don't need to see how my wedding went, the schoolmates from grade school that I haven't seen or talked to in 20 years don't need to see that either, the people I've rejected to be friends in FB because I don't like them but are friends with some of my friends would be able to see those pics. The same goes to co-workers, people that didn't get invited, etc...
I'll ask the wedding party to get the word out, we'll put in the program and in the Shutterfly cards. After that, it is really out of my control and I'll try not to think about it at the wedding. Afterall, I'm not a celebrity, but at the same time I value my privacy just like they do.
Cheers.
I think you're probably doing the best you can by asking people to be considerate of your request for privacy, but recognizing you can't control what happens entirely. I personally am not looking forward to logging onto facebook and seeing my wedding photos all over a bunch of people's profiles, and understand your sense of privacy. It can be hard for someone who has 700 facebook friends to begin with to understand that concept though!
I agree with Mrs. Corn. People posting pictures from your wedding to Facebook is really no different from them putting them in a photo album that they could show their friends. Granted, facebook has a larger audience, but you are asking these people to be a part of your day, and therefore you are probably special enough to them to want to share pictures of your day with their/your friends. I suppose you could ask them nicely in the program, but I would probably be offended if I read it in a program, and I'm sure you would offend at least one guest by doing it. Is it worth that hassle?
Personally, I don't care one way or another if my friends post pictures of our wedding up on Facebook. We know a lot of people through our church up and down the west coast and, while it is not possible to invite the majority of them, I'm sure some of them would like to be able to see a few snippets of the day.
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