Wedding planning= reflection on "friendships"

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

I’m not in the planning process yet, but I’m the type that has daydreamed about my wedding and whatnot. As happy as it makes me to think that one day I’ll be marrying my SO and that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because of it, I get an immense sense of dread at the thought of anyone being invited to my bridal shower/bachelorette. Heck, even just thinking about coming up with a guest list for the wedding itself gives me a bit of a heavy heart.

I by no means want a big wedding; I’ve always wanted it more on the intimate side. Even then, however, I don’t have many friends or family to speak of. After high school, I grew apart from nearly everyone and in university I didn’t manage to make any friends before deciding it wasn’t the place for me. Now I have maybe 3 or 4 friends, only one of which I’m quite close. Aside from immediate family (mother, father, sister, and brother in law), all the rest I am not close to at all. I have few people to invite to a wedding, and even fewer who would qualify for a bachelorette party.

Thinking about this stuff definitely makes me reflect on friendships and stuff. While I’m incredibly appreciative of the ones I have, realizing the few true close connections I have in the world definitely brings me down. And the whole thing just makes me panic because, having so few people who are close to me, I can’t help worrying that one or more won’t be able to make it. With so few, even just one not coming is a disappointment. More than that, its heartbreaking.

Geez, all this worry and I’m not even engaged yet. Yet somehow, all this terrifies me. Maybe it has to do with having a hard time making friends as a kid and definitely having hosted one or two birthday parties where no one came… Them post-high school years were rough. It legitimately scares me to relive that as an adult for my bachelorette or on my wedding day.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have very similar feelings as you do and planning has definitely made me reflect on all of the relationships in my life, including friendships.  It’s actually been a bit painful and has definitely contributed in my loss of planning mojo.  Planning has brought to the surface again my really poor relationship with my mother that distance/time hadn’t exactly healed.  She can be a cruel woman and I still haven’t forgiven some of her past transgressions.  I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from high school and had a huge falling out with my closest friends from that period of my life over being excluded from prom activities.  I ended my longest friendship with my closest friend from college right after I got engaged and during the planning of her wedding.  She had always excelled in the “party friend” department but was pretty absent when I needed a real friend.  Shortly after asking her to be my MOH, after she agreed to be, she texted other people in the bridal party about how she had no desire to be there for me in that role.  Things broke down after that, when I realized I didn’t really trust her.  I’ still have a great group of fun girl friends, but they are mostly my coworkers.  I’ve had to wonder if maybe my expectations in other people are too high and if I am really the problem.  My biggest fear is either no one will show up or everyone will talk shit about me at my own wedding.  Real secure..

Post # 7
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

I’m currently not seeing anybody but I’m sure I will at somepoint and I always dream about my future wedding, I dream about the details, such as decor, welcome bags, bridesmaid dresses, exc. I dream about what theme I want for a bridal shower, Bach party, and wedding. I have dream about who I would have on my guestlist. 

I also think about about my friendships and learn that I’m grateful for the ppl in my life. As far as quality vs the number of friends I’m half and half on that. I like having lots of friends but I like good quality friendships. I have tons of friends but that’s because I moved around a lot and even though I went to elementry and middle school in the same place, I attended three high schools and three junior colleges. its pretty amazing how I moved around. That’s why I have a lot of friends. It could change at some point. My mom has told me quality vs the number of friends is better. 

Post # 8
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I had very similar feelings when it came to my entire wedding……

As an introvert, I really enjoy spending time alone.  When I am social, I really try to spend my time with people that I really lilke.  Over the years (with several moves, several career changes, and a few bf changes) my friend base got smaller and smaller.  I was not a fan of the people I went to high school with and really only kept in contact with one friend from college.  I work in an office that is very caddy so I tend to socialize with a few of the guys in my office. 

Fast forward to my wedding…. I come from a family with lots of cousins.  I never really paid attention to the fact that as a family we are not close until I started planning my wedding.  Before I knew it, I was planning a wedding for 150 of my closest strangers.  I could basically count on two hands the number guests at my wedding I actually felt close to (didn’t help that most of the few friends I invited RSVP’s no)…..

My bridal shower and bachelorette party were not all that great either.  A lof people RSVP’d no to the shower and my bridesmaid turned my bachelorette party into a horror show…….

Looking back, I really wish I never had the wedding.  It may sound odd…. but it was one of the loneliest days of my life……

 

Post # 9
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

@californiabride2013:  This. You sound exactly like me; if I didn’t know any better, I would have thought this was written by my future self. I’m afraid for this to be my reality. I dream of my wedding day and all the lovely things I want to do — and I also know my SO has vision and really wants a full wedding — but realistically, I think the only way I won’t feel like a sad, lonely mess is to avoid the process and just elope.

Post # 10
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@futuremrs1986:  definitely. i actually hope no one throws me a shower, because i have i’d say less than 10 (female) friends i’d feel comfortable inviting to a thing like that and 2 of them live in the province! the rest are scattered all over and i’d be kind of embarrassed to have 2 friends at a shower, better to can it and go have fancy brunch somewhere 🙂

Post # 11
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

At least you have a handful, all of my friends are out of state, and I wouldn’t want them to spend that much money to come to my shower/party especially when I am asking for them to come to my destination wedding.

It’s more of who I know would come vs who has the means to come. =(

Post # 12
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee

@futuremrs1986:  I think wedding planning can shed a lot of light on many of the relationships in your life.  Relationships with your parents, your future in laws, your fiance, your siblings, extended family, and friends too.  And while I’m sure many people have nothing but positive experiences, I think just as many are sad to face the reality of some of those relationships.

For me, I’ve had to face the fact that the girls who I once considered my closest, best friends, who I never in a million years thought I would grow apart from, have become more like acquaintances.  The girls who’s weddings I was a part of a few years ago, who I supported, was there for, and was super excited for….have moved on in their lives and have let it be known that my wedding is an inconvenience for them.

I understand that OF COURSE my wedding isn’t as important to them as their own lives are.  It just makes me sad to think of how much I prioritized their weddings way back when, because they were such important friends to me, and now our friendship has lost importance to them.  I’ve had a bridesmaid be very negative about having to wear a bridesmaid dress, before I even chose a dress.  Nevermind that I wore and paid for a bridesmaid dress for her wedding.  I have a bridesmaid, who I have always considered a very best friend and who I’ve stuck by through some very dificult times, tell me that she may or may not be able to make my wedding.  Granted she has a good reason, but something she could have avoided if she’d wanted to. 

It’s a shame to have to accept that some friendships aren’t the same as they were, or that they’ve even ended in some cases, but sometimes accepting that is for the better.  I have known for awhile that some of my friendships had run their course, but I kept prioritizing them and not receiving the same in return.  It’s better that I’m aware of this and know now to approach those friendships in a different manner.  To stop giving so much of myself to those who don’t return the favor.  Friendship is a two way street.

On the other hand, the experience has really made me appreciate the friends and family who have been so generous, so helpful, so supportive.  I have a wonderful family and my maid of honor is AMAZING.  Obviously she is my best friend but she has gone above and beyond, has been nothing but excited and happy to be a part of this.  I’ve also bonded with my future sister in law and with my brother’s girlfriend (both of whom are bridesmaids). 

Still, I understand where you’re coming from.  I sort of wish I’d kept my bridal party smaller and avoided feeling like I have bridesmaids who see me as an inconvenience!

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