Post # 1
I’m in desperate need of your thoughts and advice so tons of thanks in advance.
First, I’m just not sure what FI and I can even do for our “wedding” because I REALLY do not want one AT ALL and FI wants to have at least 50 people. I’ve posted about this before, but since then am even more against having one, mainly because the majority of my close family members have recently passed I’m not all that close to my college/law school friends anymore, so the thought of having practically no one there to love and support me makes me super depressed. I don’t know what a good compromise would be because even if we somehow kept numbers very low, some of my other reasons for not wanting a wedding (not wanting to buy a dress, get dolled up, have tons of pics taken, etc.) would still apply. And I worry that a small wedding would still remind me of how few loved ones I have left in my life.
Second, if we did anything at all, it would probably have to be in NYC because FI’s family is there and can’t travel. At a bare minimum, we’d probably have some type of big dinner at a nice restaurant or something and at a maximum, a traditional wedding. Any suggestions as to good locations for these?
Third, how the hell do I go about planning??! I’m reluctant to hire a planner since FI don’t even know what we’re going to do yet and we don’t intend to get married until sometime in 2016, but I do want to start pondering the possibilities so that being engaged feels more… engage-y.
Post # 2
TheGridMonster: I think the first step is an attitude adjustment- and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Rather than focussing on who WON”T be there at your wedding, focus on sharing the wonderful occasion with those who ARE there to celebrate with you.
With a wedding two years in the future, you will have come to terms with the recent losses in your family more than you have now. I am sure that your close family members who have passed would want you to enjoy your wedding, not be mourning their loss on that day.
A dinner in a restaurant would be a great idea. you could even have the ceremony in the same room to keep things simple. If you don’t get the suggestions you need here, post a query on the local Chowhounds Board for restaurants in your budget with a private room. Also check Urban Spoon and Yelp for reviews and recommendations.
You really don’t need a wedding planner. Just start pinning things and noting ideas that fit with your vision of the day.
Post # 3
TheGridMonster: First of all, don’t hire a planner. By the sounds of it, if you do decide to have a wedding it will be small and planners can be pricey. Second, if you are only having about 50 people you can easily make it a small court house wedding and nice little dinner. Nothing has to be difficult about that.
I suggest coming up with your budget, list the things that are most important to you, and start calling around. If you don’t want the intimate ceremony for worries of it being an emotional burden, then I say you and your FI just go to the court house just the two of you and sign the papers and be done. Then invite close friends and family to dinner and celebrate that way.
You seem so distant with the idea of a traditional wedding so I say get hitched. Make it simple. It is about you two, so if the thought of it all stresses you out, just make it easier on yourself.
Post # 4
I can relate to your feelings about not wanting a wedding. My aunt and cousin passed away during the middle of our engagement, before we started any real planning, and it devastated me. I have a pretty small family as is and like you, felt like the day would be a reminder of who wasn’t there. It was a rough time for me and a big struggle. But my husband really wanted a wedding and thought that I might regret it one day if we eloped or just went to court. We ultimately had a 50 person wedding on a small ranch property and it was absolutely perfect. My husband had way more family than me, but I am so thankful for everyone who was there to support us because they really are my family too.
You definitely don’t have to do all the things you mentioned (not wanting to buy a dress, get dolled up, have tons of pics taken, etc.), because it’s your wedding and you can make it what you want. Wear whatever dress you feel good in! You can do your make up yourself and have a friend take photos. But I just wanted to offer some perspective since I can understand how you’re feeling.
Post # 5
julies1949: I totally get what you’re saying, but unfortunately, focusing on who WOULD be there doesn’t really make me feel much better… it’d be my mom, basically. And FI’s family does not like me — they fawn over FI, but pretty much act like I’m invisible, so my guess is their presence might even make me feel worse.
Kendrao: We’re definitely toying about the idea of a super small courthouse thing and then a larger dinner in NYC where we’d invite more of FI’s family. The problem is that I’d want my mom as a witness, which makes FI want his parents there, which makes him think his sister’s family should also be there, etc…. man I need to put some reigns on my FI.
TaraMay_: Thanks so much — it’s so nice to hear that you felt some of these same things but sounds like all went beautifully for you! Hope I’ll be saying that in a few years 🙂
Post # 6
Also, I have absolutely no idea how to use Pinterest. I should probz get on that.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
I’d try to convince him to do a casual elopment for the actual ceremony. Then if you want, you can have a big party for your friends/family that is as casual or fancy as you feel comfortable with.
Post # 8
TheGridMonster: Immediate family is understandable. That is what my sister did for her court house wedding too. It was still small enough and intimate enough.
You just need to do some research and weigh out the pros and cons of an elopement vs a wedding. Small weddings are still just as wonderful and don’t cost as much as you might think. But again, you sound like you DON’T want that, so keeping it minimal for the ceremony and then doing a really nice dinner sounds like a great idea for you.
Post # 9
TheGridMonster: What if you went to the court house to get married, but then had a celebration shortly after. That way its a compromise, and maybe it wouldn’t feel like a “wedding” as much to you. I understand its hard to think of this day, especially with lost loved ones.
As for a venue, think of you and your FI’s favorite food. What would you both enjoy best, and what atmosphere do you enjoy? Try to get a mental imagine of what you would like, and search for that.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 10
I like the idea of going to the courthouse and then celebrating with dinner at a private room in a restaurant. You also don’t have to wear a long, white dress. There are short white dresses, and plenty of beautiful colored dresses you could wear. You don’t HAVE to hire a photographer that wants to take posed pictures if that’s not something you want. I think you should check out some other sites that are less traditional (offbeat bride, a practical wedding, etc) to see other ideas. I know it’s hard to think about, but just keep in mind it’s you and your FI’s day, no one else’s!
Post # 11
TheGridMonster: haha love your gif, bbt rules! 🙂
I really get where you’re coming from, i got engaged about a month ago and realise i should probably be starting to think about getting married. My parents and grandparents and some other family have passed away and i just think a wedding with all of my fi’s large family there would be too painful.
I like doing my own thing and am happy with my own company, so although i have a couple of lifelong friends, that’s really about it :/ It doesnt bother me in the slightest though i can imagine how it would look, when there’s about ten people on my side of the church lol.
I would love to just elope or for us to get married in a tiny informal wedding, i hate the thought of anything stiff, posing for pictures..i know fi’s family would never get over us eloping though.
I think you should just go for a courthouse wedding then a meal or something. Sometimes the point of a wedding can be lost in the middle of all the organising. Best of luck, hope you get what you want 🙂
Post # 12
Can totally relate to you since my only living relative passed away 2 months ago. Now it’s just little ole me… Luckily my FI doesn’t want a big wedding either and we decided to elope last year before we even got engaged. We are having a reception though when we get back home.
I like the idea of a pp to go to the courthouse and then somewhere nice for dinner. Sorry I don’t have more advice, but know that you are not alone.