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My ex-fiance's wedding is coming up this spring. Neither one of us talk except for occasional cards and texts. The groom and I dated for five years, but there are no current hard feelings and I have never met the bride.
I know that I am not invited to the wedding, but I would like to send them a present (a couple hundred dollar check I was thinking because I wouldn't want either to be reminded of me if I bought them a gift instead). I want to send a gift in order to wish them well in the future and for their happiness. Even though I don't talk to the groom anymore, he was my best friend for nearly a decade.
Does anyone believe that the bride would have a problem with a congratulatory note and a present? In no way, shape or form would I want for her to be mad at me.
Should I direct the letter to both of them?
I think you should absolutely make the letter to both of them, and make it clear that you are just wishing them happiness together, and glad that you were both able to find true happiness, but with other people (ok, maybe not that las part, but you get the idea)
i agree that you should address the letter to both of them. What about a gift card to wherever theyre registered? and maybe sign it from you and your FI.
I think it's really sweet of you to think of them. I would definitely address the letter to both of them, since your purpose is to congratulate them both on their wedding.
I also think you should address it to the both of them, and the idea of the gift card to where they registered is a good idea.
I would have appreciated that kind of gesture as it shows you're supportive of everything - I don't think she'd be mad..
I think it is really nice that that you want to acknowledge their marriage and celebrate with them.
However, if I was that bride, I would be horrified to receive a gift from my fiance's ex. 1) Because we did not invite you to the wedding. and 2) Because we do not see her socially and (as you mentioned) I have never met you.
Again, I think it is very nice that you are thinking of them, but I think in this case it is best to keep your distance.
I am with rosepinkslipper on this one - I would be really uncomfortable if we received a gift from FI's ex.
You have never met this girl, you are not invited to the wedding, and you hardly keep in touch with him. If I were her, I would interpret a gift from you as a reminder that he was once ready to spend the rest of his life with someone else - not exactly a fun thought when you're getting married.
However, you know your relationship best, but if you do send something DEFINITELY address it to both of them.
Add me to the uncomfortable camp. Especially a gift that large (though I suppose it may be the norm in your circles--it isn't in mine). Maybe just stick with a congratulatory note to the both of them.
I tend to lean towards the line of thinking that both rosepinkslipper and runskiclimb have posted.
I'm with rosepinkslipper. I recently received a wedding gift from my ex who we did not invite to the wedding, who has not met my FI, and who I do not regularly keep in touch with. I was totally weirded out that he took the time to find our registry online and send us something.
Its a nice thought, but I'm sure your ex-fiancee's fiancee does not want to be reminded of his past relationships as they prepare for their wedding.
Nice thought, but he's an EX for a reason. I'd be pissed if my fiance' wanted to send a gift to an Ex-fiance'. Move on.
I agree that it may be a bit uncomfortable, especially a gift that substantial. If you want to send a card, that's great, but I'd be a bit uncomfortable if my FI's ex who wasn't invited to the wedding and I had never met chose to send us a gift.
How would your FI feel if you recieve a wedding gift of that amount from Your Ex at your wedding? Would he be offended or weird about it? Or how would you feel if one of your FI's ex sends you a gift? I tend to think it would make your Ex's FI uncompfortable. I know it would eark me if I was her. I especially wouldn't want to be reminded of my Husbands past relationships the day of or right before or after my wedding. Sometimes I think it's better to just move on & let things in the Past stay there. It's nice that you are thinking of them; but I think it's a bad move.
that's a really sweet sentiment, BUT I'm with the "uncomfortable" girls. You can feel those feelings and that's wonderful to WANT to do something - but I think its the actual DOING part that needs to be considered.
My FI was married for a very brief time, so I'm thinking of it like this... I'd feel uncomfortable if she sent us a gift. I've never met her. they're on fine terms. again, they were highschool/college sweeties so were together quite a few years. I just don't think its the place to give a gift to them. I'd find that to be a very strange thank you note to write haha
I think a card within a month of them being amrried is wonderful. Def. not before the wedding though. Let that time be theirs.
I agree with the last posters. I would be horrified if my DHs ex fiancee (if he had one) sent us a few hundred dollard. It would be different if you had met her or had contact, but truthfully Id not do it.
My eyebrows shot up when I saw how much you are planning to give! As the bride, I would be agitated that you even sent a card, but sending a few hundred dollars?!?! I think I would totally flip out. As mentioned, you have never met her, and you are not social with him. How can you be sending your well wishes to both when you clearly only mean it for one of them? Both as the ex-FI and as the bride I would be thrown off by your intentions and think you were "saying" something else between the lines.
I'd keep it just to a nice card. Beyond that, my opinion is you risk offending the bride. Plus the groom will spend the next (however many months) reassuring her that you are not part of his life, blah blah blah. It just makes it really awkward for him. Not a cool idea.
I too find myself in the uncomfortable camp. I think that you could send a card, but sending cash I think would be odd. If I were the fiance of this man, I'd be confused as to why we were getting a check from you.. I was confused when my fiance's aunt sent us a shower gift when they werent' invited to the shower.. this would really throw me I think.
I have a similar situation, except that my ex and I were not engaged. I think that, since you're not invited to the wedding, you thinking of them is really sweet (That much in cash is way too much though..maybe a gift card). I agree with addressing it to both of them, so that everyone will not think ill of your intentions.
I'm TOTALLY with @MightySapphire COMPLETELY. A nice card addressed to BOTH is one thing but a gift of that much when you haven't met the bride is possibly bordering on inappropriate. I actually speak OFTEN to my ex and he has met my FI several times. My ex got engaged oddly enough right about the same time we did and I'm not sending anything because we haven't met his bride yet, once we do that's different but until then I don't want to cause him ANY problems, that's not fair to him at all.
I really like the idea of a card after the wedding. I would make it not awkward. I may rethink the money.
Thanks for the suggestions!
I think leave it be and don't send a gift. A congratulations card to the couple after sounds like the most you should do.
I have to say I agree with the above posters. It is a very generous though on your part..but I would totally freak out if my FI's ex sent us a gift!!
I'm so glad others were thinking this would be uncomfortable. It might be one thing if you were still in contact and the bride has met you, knows you're harmless. She might be level about the whole situation. But to have you (or your gesture) pop up out of the blue is a little strange.
I also agree about the amount you were planning on giving. I am trying to picture my husband's ex sending a gift. (I have never met her.) While I might see it at face value, I would be upset that at this time in our lives, when it's supposed to be about our relationship, his ex injects herself into our minds. (Whether spiteful or not.) And particularly with a large gift, it says "REMEMBER me!"
It sounds like your heart is in the right place. But I don't think it would be taken warmly. (IMO). If you decide to send something anyway, please make the card to both. Make it short. And give a much smaller amount.
I wouldn't freak out in her place and I wouldn't mind getting a card and a present from my ex either. I think it would be really nice.
But I do think that the girls above are right that the chance of her taking it badly are high so you probably shouldn't risk it.
I think it's actually really sad. I don't like the trend of pretending the past hasn't happened or had no importance. That's just not me. If I cared deeply for someone for a long time chances are I still care deeply for them. It's no threat to what I feel for other people but I see nothing wrong with acknowledging that caring and sending well wishes. Presents are also always nice. :)
I'd let sleeping dogs lie. Do not send a card, gift, or any communication to them at all. It'd be too weird. Despite the nice sentiment, it'll just be uncomfortable. Why stir controversy? I'm with heathaah: spend the money on yourself instead.
If I were the bride, I'd be nervous and upset since we didn't invite you and it would be odd for you to send such a "big ($200+)" gift!
Hmmm I didn't see the part about you never meeting her before.... Yeah that would be uncomfortable.
If you knew her, it would be another story..
I retract and say, stay out..
I am in the uncomfortable camp with the above posters.
I think I would be totally weirded out if my FI's ex-GF/FI sent us anything for the wedding, especially a gift of that magnitude.
I think your intentions hold a beautiful sentiment but I don't think it will go over the way you hope it will!
I'd be real freaked out if one of my FI's random exes I'd never met sent us well wishes on our wedding she wasn't invited to. I mean, I'd cash your hundreds of dollars check in a hot second though. Then I'd make my FI promise to never have contact with the ex for the rest of our life together.
If I were you I'd leave it alone. You don't have a relationship with these people and honestly I think it's a nice sentiment but one that's divorced from reality, where it's more creepy weird than sweet.
I can see both sides. If it really important to you to send a gift, I think a small food/wine gift basket might be better than cash. That way it isn't "in your face" how much it cost, and they could eat/drink it and it wouldn't be a constant reminder. Maybe a champagne bottle with a card that says "Cheers to your marriage" or something like that. Keep it casual and short. And sign the card "Best Wishes, Your name."
I would have to agree I would be a little creeped out if my FI ex's sent a card and that much money. Esp if I have never met her. I would send a card or if you are Facebook friend a nice congrats FB message. I would probably precieve it as, even if its not your point, like I was before you he has me first kinda deal..
IMHO I would stay out of this one. You weren't invited to the wedding and a few cards/texts is one thing but a few hundred dollars is another. It might be more of a gift to stay out of it and not cause problems (even though they would obviously be unintentionally). If you MUST give something a simple card addresses to both (NOT some long- winded letter) is plenty and as far as I would go.
i definitely think that if you really want to send a gift at all that you should direct the letter to the both of them, or even her specifically. anything directed just toward him may seem 'off' coming from the ex-fiance!
it's a nice and thoughtful gesture that can be easily taken the wrong way given the wrong type of bride!
Huh. I wouldn't be bothered at all but I also tend to be less jealous than I think most people are so maybe that's the difference. It sounds like sending cash isn't the way to go but I love snmcdowell's suggestion of a bottle of champagne/food basket and a card after the wedding.
I think it's sweet that you would do that.. but if I were the fiance's wife, I would probably have a HUGE problem with that. Put yourself in her shoes, here's this ex who rarely ever speaks to your husband.. she's all of a sudden, out of nowhere, sending you a gift. I think I would throw a fit if that were to happen to me personally.
Wow, if I were the bride, that would bug me a lot. My husband was engaged before, and if his ex-fiance had sent us a gift or even a card, it would have been totally awkward. I probably would even send it back.
To me, it would say "I had him first" even if that's not your intent.
Why do you want to send a gift? If you barely talk and you've never met the wife, you don't seem that close anymore, and for good reason. Would you send that much to your other past friends that you barely keep in touch with? If I were the fiance I would think that you're trying to show off that it doesn't bother you and that you can afford to give so much to someone whom you talk to so little. I think your heart is in the right place (sounds like it at least!) but it may come off the wrong way..like overcompensating in a strange way? But if you really want to acknowledge their wedding and send something their way, how about a card or a much smaller gift card? A couple hundred when you aren't going to the wedding is too much!
I agree with MigthySapphire. I wouldn't do it. If you see them, tell them Congrats, and leave it at that. You don't want to risk giving off the wrong impression.
I'm sorry but I wouldn't send them a gift or a card. I've been engaged and I have talked to my ex-FI a few times since our relationship ended but not enough to warrant him sending me a few hundred dollars. We ended on good terms and had a dog together that he kept. So that's why we kept in contact.
Also, my FI has an ex-FI and given their circumstances for splitting I would take the gesture as some message to me or him. To me that's just not cool!
I think you should just send him a text saying congrats if you feel like you need to say or do anything at all.
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