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What etiquette actually says is, address any person, and refer to any person, by the name and title that they prefer. If you do not know what they prefer, use the name you know them by in its full unabbreviated form, with the default social title: "Mr" for gentlemen and "Ms" for women. In the twenty-first century, assuming you do not know the preferences of a couple, give them both their own full name: Mr John Doe and Ms Jane Doe -- joined, if they are living together, by the word "and" to show that they are a couple. Despite what you may have read, it is vulgar to speculate about a couple's marital status. Etiquette assumes that they are "secretly" married if they happen to be sharing an address, and would not stoop to making distinctions between those who have a legal piece of paper, and those who don't.

If you don't happen to live in the twenty-first century, then you assume married women go by their husband's name whether they are being referred to as a couple or not. Thus my mother was "Mrs Nestor Phipps" when she chaired her local social club, as much as when she entertained as the principal half of "Mr and Mrs Nestor Phipps". Regardless of what century you live in, if a lady chooses to be known by her husband's name, she has every right to do so and you must abide by her choice if you know it.

Wedding programmes are an optional extra at weddings, so etiquette does not have any firm rulings on what must be included. If you are having a liturgical ceremony with guests from a non-liturgical tradition, it is useful to include hints about how to follow the service. If you choose to include names, please include everyone who meets whatever criteria you set for including names -- and their spouses if you are listing relatives: no using the programme to snub inlaws or step-relatives; and treat them all to equal respect. Other than that, exercise your personal sensibilities and judgement.