Post # 1
A sibling who is marrying for the first time (he is nearly 40, is financially stable and is marrying a divorcee) recently sent a mass email setting the date and announcing that he was sorry that no one could attend as he was having the ceremony out of the country (didn’t opt to elope, which would have been fine, and didn’t invite anyone to attend first to find out if they could go or not). This sibling has now sent a second email asking if anyone would like to attend a reception after the wedding–as he does not want to bother planning it if no one wants to attend. At the end of the email, he mentions that he will be on a couple of registries and will be sure to forward that information as soon as it is available. So . . . the message I read from this is: don’t want you at the wedding, might or might not bother with a reception, but be sure and send gifts. For you etiquette experts out there–am I correct in assuming that this is poor wedding etiquette, or is this wedding approach more common than I imagine? (Frankly, the manner in which it has been handled makes me want neither to attend a reception OR send gifts!) Thanks . . . !
Post # 3
I’m by no means an etiquette expert – but that’s definitely in very bad taste. It absolutely sounds like "I don’t want to plan/pay for a party, but send me a gift anyway."
It’s a sibling, so I’d probably end up buying them a little something anyway – but if it were any other relative/friend – they’d get a congrats email from me, and that’s it!
Post # 4
Yeah, I’m not an expert either, but I agree that’s not a great idea. It’s going to rub a lot of people the wrong way because he basically *is* saying "you don’t get to attend the wedding, I may or may not throw a reception, but I’m sure you’ll all want to give me presents."
It’s not wrong for them to register somewhere and pass along the information to people who ask what they might like as a wedding gift, but to mass e-mail a bunch of people who may or may not be invited to any wedding festivities with a list of the places you’re registered at strikes me as pretty greedy.
I say send a nice card and a bottle of wine or some other small gift, but don’t buy anything off their registry 😉
Post # 5
Rude rude RUDE! Honestly, I don’t care if you put your registry information discretely on the invitation, but to not even invite anyone (even to a reception!) and then to assume that people are going to send you gifts! That’s just rude.
Post # 6
No he either does a reception or does not. If he does not do one it is by no means appropriate to register. That is a little tacky. I am having a intimate wedding with immediate family only and my FI has a large, large extended family and seriously if we did a traditional wedding our guest list would be over 200. I did not register at all because we are not doing a reception for those not invited afterwards. I would never ask someone who did not attend our wedding and I did not have a reception to get us a gift.
Post # 7
Thanks, everyone, for your responses. He is a sibling, and so I will send my congratulations and a gift, but I was really confused . . . a lot of etiquette has changed signficantly over the years, so I really didn’t know if the "rules" had changed and if I was being oversensitive. (Maybe if his fiancee had sent the email it would have been accompanied by some feminine awareness and tact–who knows?!) So I appreciate your confirmation that while some things have changed, they have not changed THAT much.
Wishing you all wonderful, wonderful weddings!
Post # 8
Ya, since he’s your brother i’d send a gift personally.
But I"d let him know that what he wrote wasn’t really in good taste. Nice thing about family is that you can be honest with them. Then again, maybe people are harassing him for registry information, and in guy speak, this means "here’s the information you all want".
I agree, if his FI had sent the email I’d be more like, "OMG why’d she do that?!" but guys don’t really know, so he probably just needs some guidance. I bet he thought he was being helpful and savvy, haha. It would bristle my feathers to get an email like that though, because I, too, would read it as "not invited to the wedding, will have a reception if you’re interested in coming AND bringing a gift"
Post # 9
Since he is a sibling, I would get a gift anyway. He sounds like he’s trying to be casual about the whole thing. My sister had a small wedding and she registered even though a lot of people didn’t attend. Relatives used it to get bday and Christmas presents for the next few years lol
Post # 10
Maybe he is a no-frills kind of guy and doesn’t know how to go about planning these knds of things. It does seem a bit tacky but I think it might be understandable if he really is clueless about these sort of stuff. I’m a little surprised, though, that the bride wasn’t the one initiating..
Post # 11
Hah! This is why brides plan the wedding! Seriously. Um, no, not cool, but my guess is that he’s just being a clueless guy.
Post # 12
The only thing e-mails like that would make me do is not attend any reception and definitely not send a gift. Then again, I have yet to give anyone a gift from a registry!
Post # 13
That was definitely a poorly written email on his part. He should have mentioned that they were getting married abroad (left it at that, with no mention of whether anyone was invited), mentioned they were considering a reception upon return (with NO poll on whether guests would attend), and NEVER should the bride & groom come out and mention their registries. They should only give this info when asked for it directly.
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2018 - The Grand Old House, Grand Cayman
Wow, I can see why you are put off by his approach. One of the reasons why most men shouldn’t handle wedding communication! Mr. K wanted to send invites over email to his college buddies! Eek! Since he is a sibling, I would still send a gift, but probably not from the registry. 🙂
Post # 15
I didn’t get either of my brothers wedding gifts. A gift is NEVER required. Even if it is a sibling. I think that he’s asking a bit much of everyone. I’m calling bad etiquette on that one!
Post # 16
Oh man, that’s wrong on so many levels. The worst part to me is that he’s basically saying "I don’t really care about celebrating with you unless you make me (ie tell me that you would like me to throw a party"…..Wow.
I don’t care whether it’s a sibling or not–I probably would just respond as follows:
West Coast Bride