Post # 1
Well, I just got off the phone with my mom. I’m so tempted to just elope because of the problems with figuring out what to do with our wedding, etc. There are so many different complications I’m barely able to list them all:
- My younger second cousin just got engaged (she’s like a younger sister to me, and her mom is like my older sister) and she’s planning on getting married in about a year – at Thanksgiving (which puts her getting married just before us, but several states away). I understand this, because her FI is enlisting and they need to get married before he deploys.
- My cousin (aforementioned second cousin’s mom) is graduating next December (a big deal, and I and my mom both really want to go) and it’s just a day before our originally-chosen wedding date (but several states away, so my mom couldn’t go to both her graduation and my wedding, and my cousin would have a hard time going to both).
- As a result of this, my mom is pressuring me to change our wedding from 12/13/14 or 12/14/14 to 12/20/14 or maybe New Year’s Eve. The problem is, we’d originally chosen that weekend because it’s the height of a huge meteor shower (we’re both physics nerds) and is our dating anniversary.
- My younger second cousin might also reschedule her wedding to New Year’s Eve, so that idea is gone too.
- My FI’s parents are busy enough this Christmas that we can’t do an early Christmas (we’re traveling over the holiday), and I have a feeling they’ll be just as busy next Christmas; or, maybe, they’ll just use it as an excuse to not show up to our wedding (FFIL seems to hate me – seriously, there’s plenty of evidence but I don’t want to go into it here – and they made seriously bad excuses to miss my graduation from professional school at the last minute, and when I asked them to please come they said incredibly hurtful things about me. All on Mother’s Day, which lead to some really passive aggressive comments about “It’s all about mom today, doing otherwise is selfish”)
- Hello, see above – issues with my future in-laws are making everything stressful. I’m seriously worried FFIL will decide to just not show up because he’s “busy” and that would be just horrible. My mom says “there’s no way he would do that” but seriously, I thought there was no way they would make excuses to miss my graduation when they had plenty of notice, and I figured the worst they’d say to FI asking them to try and come was “No, it won’t work” and not making incredibly hurtful comments about me and my parents and then accusing ME of making drama on Mother’s Day.
- FI and I really want our friends there, but there are family members that we’d get screamed at (yes, I’m pretty sure there would be screaming) and then would just show up anyway if we invited friends over them. But, honestly, the friends that actually care about us mean more.
- And FI wants a small wedding – less than 20 – but that would mean just having immediate family, maybe not even my close cousin (because futuer in-laws wouldn’t understand the whole “close as a sister” thing and insist on all their cousins getting invited too). And I’m getting pressure from my mom to not do a whole extra celebration with family and friends the same day, and FI’s cousins would not understand being invited to only the celebration instead of the whole shebang.
- We’re also being pushed to move the wedding hither and yon – I want it local because that’s easier for us, but my mom keeps on saying that we can keep the wedding on the weekend we want if we move it near her or between her and my cousin. But if we put it in the wrong state (where my cousin lives, too), I’m pretty sure FI’s family will just show up anyway (there’s like 30 of them, so it’s a big deal).
This is all making me seriously consider eloping, but that would just hurt more people I think, and result in us not really being able to celebrate with our friends.
To make matters worse, of course, some of my mom’s family are horrible people, to the point that I don’t speak to them, and I’m worried they’ll show up and try to cause drama (they showed up uninvited to a funeral before) and hurt the family I actually associate with. But then my family, of course, would try and maintain appearances (“Oh, don’t kick them out, dear, they’re acting okay and that would be gauche.”)
And, of course, I don’t have a job, have a load of student debt, am having to get certifications before I can work, my FI is sorta supporting us, and my mom is the only one to put up money, so hey, we might not even be able to afford more than a small elopement (which would anger the most people possible) anyway.
TL;DR – please just tell me that scheduling/money/emotional issues get better sometime. I’m getting huge amounts of pressure over when and where we get married, but of course there might not be enough money to do more than a small elopement anyway (which would result in everyone basically resenting us and getting angry). Plus, I’m not sure FI’s parents will show for anything because as far as I can tell, FFIL hates me with an unbridled passion.
Post # 3
I’m going to be very honest with you – if I were you, under these circumstances, I woudl elope. There is no way this is going to get easier under these conditions. People will get over it. Any wedding you try to plan with these people will be fraught with drama. Elope quietly.
Post # 4
I’d just pick a date (seems like early fall would be best, I’d avoid the holidays) and whoever shows up, shows up. Don’t stress about it, it’ll work out!
Post # 5
Goodness, that’s a lot you have going on! If I were in your position, being pulled in a million different directions, I would just elope on the weekend you originally chose and hold a reception/celebration at a later date. It all boils down to what YOU TWO want for YOUR special day; I understand being accommodating, but there’s a point where you have to say “enough!!” and do what’s best for you.
Post # 6
@zumbaista: it sounds like no matter what you do, someone will be unhappy. Even if you don’t elope, it sounds like people will still be upset with you for something. I’d try to make sure that unhappy someone wasn’t you! Elope, and consider having a lowkey reception like a bbq a few months later, where you can invite everyone and keep costs low.
Post # 7
If you want, you can always get married on your anniversary date and have a reception at a later time.
Post # 9
I’d elope on the meteor shower/anniversary date (get some awesome pictures!!!) and have your friends and close family meet you out to celebrate later that day or the following weekend. Too much trouble, otherwise!
Post # 10
You are letting too many people get involved in your date decision. Does it work best for you and your FI? Then unless any of the above mentioned people is paying for it, book it.
Post # 11
Geezle. That’s quite a conundrum there! I’m definitely not the best person to be giving advice because I’m a people-pleaser and I always feel the need to bust my butt to make everyone happy, but let me tell you a very valuable lesson I learned while wedding planning: You cannot please everyone. You can’t. It’s impossible. You can bend over backwards to be accomodating and you will STILL not be able to satisfy everyone. So there’s really no use trying. It’s really hard to put into practice sometimes, but the most important person you need to worry about pleasing is yourself (and your FI). I think the meteor shower thing sounds cool as hell and when I read that I thought, “Whoa! How awesome would that be?” Coupled with the fact that it’s on your dating anniversary, that would be a great time to get married. If that’s when you want to do it, then do it! You can’t please everyone, remember, so it stands to reason that you can’t plan your wedding around things that may or may not happen. I can see wanting to be cognizant of your close cousin’s wedding and not make plans that conflict with that, but it seems like everything is really up in the air right now. And if your FFIL is going to be an ass, he’ll be an ass no matter where or when your wedding is. So why not draw the line in the sand now? Pick a date and a location, and if people freak out because you aren’t catering to their wishes, so be it. It sucks, but that’s the reality. You can’t please everyone, again. It’s what you and your FI want that matters most.
Post # 12
Ditto-ing the other Bees. Elope (or have an absolute tiny ceremony with like 5 people) on the weekend of the meteor shower, and then have some low-key celebration later.
Don’t cater to the people around you for this, especially the ones who don’t seem to care for you.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Don’t tell anyone (unless there are a few trusted souls you want to know or go wtih you) and elope on the date you wanted to get married on and avoid all of this unnecessary drama. Better to seek forgiveness for running off and eloping than dealing with months of stress planning a wedding with your families.
If you do it small can you elope at night during the meteor shower? Maybe in a big field where you can really see it or travel to a nice planetarium and get hitched there.
Post # 14
Elope or just don’t tell anyone when you’re getting married. As for the people who are giving you hell on when to marry – they don’t really care about you. Weddings are a great time to reconsider friendships. Even if they’re family, doesn’t give them permission to treat you like ****.
Post # 15
I agree with the elopement suggestion. It’s really the only way to absolutely guarantee you don’t get uninvited guests showing up, and as it sounds like you want a small guest list to begin with you could easily arrange a celebration with those closest to you maybe a week or so later. You get to keep your meteor shower/anniversary wedding date, your couisn and mother aren’t stressing about her graduation, and you don’t have to worry about FI’s family.