- 5 years ago
Going anonymous for this. I’m having a hard time balancing my feelings and potential overreaction with my FI’s feelings (and to be honest, potential overreaction on his part as well.) I know this is long, but I could really use your wondeful input.
FI and I are due to be married in about 4 months, and planning has been going well. Most of the vendors are finalized with deposits, the showers are scheduled, friends have booked the hotels, etc. We’re really coming down to the final stretch after being engaged for about a year.
My FI and I have been through a difficult patch lately; some health issues that have prevented us from being physical, a difficult housing situation, the FI spent months studying for the GREs and has been applying to masters programs, and to top it off some family and friend drama (MOH is out of the wedding, and a parent has completely removed themselves from the planning and almost the relationships.) I’ve been worried about his stress levels for a long time, but he’s been pretty unreceptive to my suggestions (taking breaks, going away for a weekend, better pacing, encouraging him to see his friends more, and so on), but I know he doesn’t deal with stress all that well, so I tried to give him the space he needs.
I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with; my health issues have needed some heavy meds that can make me pretty emotional, and I know I sometimes take it out on him. I try my best to apologize and explain as best I can, and I know he understands, but I know it’s difficult on him. I can’t really control it, but I’ve been trying to handle it the best way I can. And I know my family issues have been a problem, and I haven’t made the stress any better, but I feel like I’m running out of ways to do it. I’ve just been trying to stay positive and focus on the good things (especially the wedding), but I don’t know if he understands that, or if I’m not doing a good enough job of expressing that. He’s also upset about our lack of intimacy, which I completely understand and commiserate over, but I’ve been trying to explain that there’s more than one way to be intimate, and it just feels like he doesn’t understand, or doesn’t want to.
Anyway, after a surgical procedure about a month ago, FI really pulled away emotionally when I really, really needed him. He kept hiding in other rooms, wouldn’t really stay in the bedroom with me without a fight, and kept doing just strange, out-of-character little things (I’d ask him to watch a show with me and he’d complain and want to watch something he knew I hated – and I know that’s a very minor thing in the grand scheme of things, but it just felt like an annoying cherry on top – ask to play video games instead, tried to schedule an appointment for himself right after the procedure, etc.)
We had a number of long talks about this, even though I felt absolutely horrible physically, and could barely get out of bed. He didn’t really offer anything of substance, other than saying he knew he was pulling away but didn’t know why, and would just end the conversation. Sometimes after this he’d really try for a little bit, but then would go right back to where he was before.
The day before I was due to go back to work (something I’ve been dreading, since I feel so horrible, and my recovery time was so stressful), he left to stay at a friends’ house after I asked him to spend the night here; partially to be with me, and partially to work on some time-sensitive wedding things. He left anyway, and was very cagey and overly-emotional when we spoke on the phone later that night. I told him he was really concerning me, but he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I didn’t want to do anything to make the situation worse, so I just let it go. We spoke the next day, and there just seemed to be something wrong, so I asked him if he really wanted to do this; he said yes, but when I said I was concerned he wanted to postpone the wedding, he wouldn’t give me a straight answer.
When he came home later that day, he’d written out this long account of his feelings (which in-and-of-itself is wonderful, since he tends to bottle things up), but what he said felt devestating.
He said he was afraid of me in some ways (namely my emotional state lately), and while I know it’s been difficult for him, it’s been heartbreaking for me, and I feel like all I’ve done for months is apologize over and over again for my mood swings, and tried to help him understand what they feel like, and how little control I feel like I have due to the meds.
He also said he felt pressured to get engaged, which I do understand; I know I put a lot of pressure on him to propose, but he started talking about marriage somewhere around our 6 month mark, and it felt like every time we’d made firm guidelines about not talking about marriage, he’d mention a way to propose or say how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I just couldn’t understand. He said he would never take the engagement back, and did want to be with me, but it was so painful to hear.
Then he said he wasn’t sure if he was ready to get married on the day we’re supposed to. I thought I was going to die when he said that. He said he was thinking about postponing the wedding, because we’d originally agreed to a 2 year engagement. And we had, but we decided on about a 1.5 year engagment due to our parents’ schedules, his impending master’s program, and because we knew we were better off financially now than we will be next year when he’s in a full-time program. He seemed so happy with the date and into it, so I felt almost blindsided when he brought this up.
I didn’t flip out or yell at him, but I certainly cried, and I told him honestly that I felt like we could either get married on our chosen day, or likely not at all. I kind of wince typing it out, because I feel like I sound terrible, but I’m so afraid that if we pushed the date back, we wouldn’t end up getting married. I really believe we’d stay together, and I know at the end of the day that’s what’s important, but I want to marry him so badly, and I want us to start our marriage together before school and moving and everything else. And it’s important to me to be married before we start combining bank accounts, looking into buying a house, and very much so before we start having children.
I explained to him that the wedding was one of the only good things going for us right now, and how planning had been one of the only things to really help me feel better health-wise, and been the one thing I was really looking forward to (because of what it meant for us, of course.) After a lot of talking and trying to understand, he said he didn’t realize I felt that way, and thought that the planning had just added to my stress, and he’d only been trying to help and give me the engagement and wedding that I wanted and deserved. And this sounds amazing, but after what he’d said earlier, I didn’t know if it was an excuse or not. Sometimes he just gets carried away and overly emotional, and I can see that being the truth, but there’s a nagging doubt in my mind, and now I feel like he’s not going to be happy on our wedding day, and that he’s going to eventually be resentful.
The rest of the night was emotional of course, but he said over and over again that he loves me, isn’t going anywhere, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and wants children. Which are wonderful, wonderful things, and of course exactly what I want to hear… I just don’t know if my emotions are making it too difficult to completely believe, or if I should be worried. I tried to explain that what makes a marriage is being there through the bad times as well as the good times, and that we’d be stronger after this, but I want to make sure I’m not trying to spin fantasy.
What do you think? Am I being too emotional? Are we both? Are we okay, or are we headed for trouble?