Post # 1
Hey ladies! Hope I could get some advice…
I am invited to a coworker’s wedding shower next weekend. The issue is that I am pretty sure I am not invited to her wedding.
I have not received a Save The Date (and she was talking about sending them.) I think she is just inviting the coworkers on her team. This is no problem, as I got married recently and also just invited the people on my team and not this woman. I am not offended that I am not invited to the wedding, but I am confused about why I am invited to the shower.
The shower is being thrown by another coworker. Maybe the woman throwing the shower thinks I am invited to the wedding? Maybe she doesn’t know that it goes against common etiquette to invite someone to the shower, but not the wedding? I don’t want to offend the woman who is having the shower, and I really am happy for her, but I also don’t want to sit at a shower where everyone is talking about an upcoming wedding I am not asked to attend. What would you do?
Post # 3
I’d decline the invite and give the coworker a token gift (like some fancy chocolates or a bottle of wine) just out of good manners.
Post # 5
The generally thoughts around here that I have seen are that “work” or “church” showers can and are thrown for people that aren’t always all invited to the actual wedding. If you are close enough to want to go to her wedding, then I would just graciously buy her a gift, go have fun at the shower and move on. She may not of had control over the guest list of the shower so I wouldn’t blame her.
Post # 6
We have showers for colleagues all the time, with no expectation that any of us will necessarily be invited to the wedding.
Yes, etiquette does say that people who are not invited to the wedding are not invited to the shower. I think this rule is relaxed all the time for groups like co-workers, church members, book clubs etc.- people who just want to socialize and wish someone well on the occasion of your marriage.
If you don’t want to go, because of what you deem to be a breach of etiquette, then don’t go.
Post # 7
To me, inviting me to a shower without inviting me to the wedding is like saying “I like you enough to buy you finger-sandwiches but not enough to buy you dinner. Oh and while you’re listening, here’s my registry.”. I know etiquette is always evolving, but that doesn’t make it okay. I think if you’re trying to celebrate an upcoming wedding with a coworker and know the majority of coworkers aren’t going to be invited, the celebration shouldn’t be called a “shower,” and should be held in conjunction with the workday— either everyone gathering in the conference room (or whatever is at your work) for a festive potluck, or an off-premises gathering immediately after work (might even be better held at a restaurant or bar). Same with church groups. Asking someone to give up half of their day off for an event where it’s implied that guests should bring gifts, but not inviting them to the main event, just doesn’t sit right with me, and I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable or happy in that situation.
Post # 8
We do work showers when someone is getting married but with no expectation that everyone is invited to the wedding. The one difference though, and it’s substantial, is that it’s organized by our office manager, work pays for the food, and we all chip in for a gift but it’s generally a smaller amount.
Post # 9
Is this a “mixed” shower with friends, family, and co-workers? Or just co-workers? If its for everyone, I say decline but give a small gift; if it is just co-workers, then apparently this is something people are doing now? Although if your office hasn’t done it before for other people, then I’m not sure why she gets to start it (although I suppose it has to start somwhere).
Post # 11
Yes, etiquette says that anyone invited to a pre-wedding party needs to be invited to the wedding. However, as a few PPs have pointed out, church and work showers are usually the exception. Of course, only people from church or work should be invited (as opposed to a mixed shower with other family and friends).
So really, it’s up to you want you want to do. If you want to go and just get a nice little gift you can, but it’s certainly ok if you don’t feel comfortable going. For me, it would depend on the relationship I have with the coworker and how close we are – officemate most likely, person I only see in the hall every other day, probably not.
Post # 12
Also, I would like to point out that just because you didn’t get a STD doesn’t mean you won’t be invited to the wedding. I didn’t send out STD’s to everyone on my guest list, just those that were on the top of my guest list (close family mostly) other people will be invited, but they just didn’t get a Save the Date. The problem was, I could only order my STD’s in packs of 50, and i needed like 55 or so, and i wasn’t going to pay for 45 that I didn’t need. Just food for thought.
Post # 13
Assuming this is not a “work shower” (which is generally held during working hours or out to lunch with coworkers on a working day) either go with a gift and smile, or don’t go.
Unfortunately, those are your options.
Going empty-handed leaves YOU open for committing a breach of etiquette if you find that you are in fact invited and the bride just didn’t do Save-The-Date Cards or yours somehow got lost in the mail.
Post # 14
I have gone to many showers for coworkers and I would never expect to be invited to their wedding. Even when the shower is mixed with their friends I still was flattered that I was included.
Post # 15
@Lee_Ann: Yes I was going to say this as well! I did not send Save-The-Date Cards to any coworkers (except the 1 that was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my wedding). I had a coworker get married a few years ago and never got a STD though I know she sent them out, but I was invited to her wedding.
When is the wedding? More than 2 months away? If you are sure you are not invited to the wedding, I’d just get the ‘token’ gift suggested by a PP like chocoate or wine. But if you don’t know, maybe get something small ~$20 off the registry?