Weddingbee boards

I'm honestly considering this. I need to discuss it with FH, obviously, but I've been having some pretty major health problems lately (my thyroid's messed up again and doctor visits sans insurance can be pricey) and today, my grandma and aunt both suggested that we have a small courthouse wedding this year (probably in December, when FH is eligible for insurance benefits from his job) and the reception party on 11.11.11.

 Of course, our decision will depend on FH's comfort level with this, both of us thinking it over, and whether or not spouses are covered under the employee policy. If I wouldn't be covered, we'd just wait.

Now, if we did this, I would absolutely not pass off our reception as a wedding--I find that sort of thing awkward. The downside would be, we couldn't really do a registry since we'd already be married, and we could really use some household items (nothing extravagant). I would miss out on a bunch of traditional wedding stuff, such as the bridal shower my MOH wants to throw in April.

We'd also save close to $300 on the JP alone, since having a courthouse wedding is free (aside from the $40 for the marriage license). But I'm wondering if it'd still feel like a wedding--this is FH's and my big problem with just getting married now. Would it be depressing for us, like it was just another day? I've never known anyone who's done this, so I can't base my judgment on other people's experiences. Part of me thinks it'd be worth the wait, but the other part is going..."Well, why not just do it?" Christ knows we've been waiting long enough now.

Opinions? Just something I'm thinking about--I'd never dream of making a decision (obviously) without thoroughly discussing it with FH first, but I do like having outside advice and feedback to help me see things more clearly. I would love to still have a big wedding, but am trying to be practical about this, too.

FH's stepbrother and his wife did this and apparently regretted it--they're having a big "wedding" on their fifth anniversary, but I think if we did this and then had a big reception party with cake (because it's tasty!) and dancing, etc. we wouldn't really miss out on much. We'd still rent and decorate the hall, but I'd save money on gifts for the bridesmaids, their bouquets, etc., too.

It's worth noting, too, that we almost eloped a while ago for the same reason--just do a quick wedding and have a fabulous party later.

@MissAsB: Would it be bad to do a small registry, just to give people ideas of what we need? I mean, it's not like they'd have to buy from it or even know about it (but we'd pass on the info if it were asked for). I'm already fielding questions from my aunts about what types of things they should look for, what we need for our apartment, etc.

Has anyone done this kind of thing?

@jenbrandner: The only problem with doing it on November 11 this year is the time crunch--my dress isn't due for completion until November 10. I could try to rush it, but I'm at the mercy of the Etsy seller. Our proposal anniversary is 12.21, so we could have our wedding on that day (it'll be cold out, though!).

Would it be odd to have a bridal shower several months after I'm already legally married?

@nmsoonerbride: I wouldn't include the registry info on the invitations in either case, actually! I'm so strongly against that, it's not even funny.

@NYE Gal: It's Veteran's Day, but no one really celebrates it much. I figured that since we're doing the 1940s theme as an homage to our grandparents (my grandma got married right when the war ended in '45--not sure about FH's grandparents), we might as well keep it. We had no idea that's what our date was, but it's kind of cool. Why not get married on that day, right?

I'd like to keep the 11.11.11 reception because in my mind, the courthouse ceremony IS our wedding--and we've already booked our caterer and reception site into that date, haha. Plus, it's a cool date.

@nmsoonerbride: Yeah, that was my thought, too. I don't need a shower, by any means. I'm just happy she cares enough to want to throw one!

I know a girl who did this recently. She's still planning on having a great big reception and she says that now she's already legally married she doesn't feel as much pressure and she's enjoying just planning a big party and maybe they'll renew their vows - just to remind each other of how important they are in each others lives.

I say go for it if you want to. 

@ritsi_bitsi: You have to be living together for years for it to be considered common-law in the States, unfortunately.

@Ember78: We wouldn't have a "reception," but we would be taking those who attended out to dinner--our treat. I don't think that's a breach of etiquette. :)

@littlemissmoo: Exactly! The second this was suggested, I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted. No pressure to make it special/perfect, because it will be special--it's our wedding day. Plus, I love the idea of throwing a gigantic party for everyone--not just in our honor. It also takes away the little details that I'd have to worry about otherwise.

@JenniMichele: We'd probably just call it a celebration of marriage (not a wedding, obv.!) but make it very clear that the actual wedding took place almost a year before and that this is a chance for our families to meet, mingle, and celebrate with us.

If FH is on board with this idea, I'll go ahead and see if the Etsy seller can finish a little early, although 11.11.10 falls on a Thursday this year so we'd have to do it on 11.12 or something. I like the idea of a 12.11.10 ceremony, though (which is a Saturday). :)

@nmsoonerbride: I'll definitely ask FH if domestic partners are covered under insurance...some companies do that, but many employers around here don't recognize that for insurance benefits--or if they do, there are a ton of stipulations, like no pre-existing conditions. Weird, right?

I've done this with my ex-husband. We did a legal ceremony in the US so I could get the process started on my green card, and did a big wedding reception in my country a year later. The ceremony was just the two of us, no witnesses, in our daily clothes, merely a formality. The one that happened a year later felt like the real wedding to me because my family went all out. There was also the minor detail that they didn't know I had already been married a year...

I'm not able to give any advice for your particular situation, just wanted to share my experience and let you even though it's less than ideal, people do that sort of thing.

I just wanted to add that although the courthouse thing isn't quite as fancy or formal, our relationship and even our proposal was very casual and informal. No bells and whistles, and I think I like it that way. We're already cutting a ton of traditions from our wedding planning, so why not just have a nice courthouse ceremony, go out to dinner, and celebrate that way, right? Plus, I like the focus being more on getting together to celebrate in general on 11.11.11 than trying to cram an entire wedding and reception into a 4-hour block.

We'd have our immediate families and close, dear friends with us on the actual wedding day, which is what's most important to us--not an elaborate wedding. Plus, our photographer is MOH's hubby, so I'm sure he'd be willing to shoot our small ceremony as well as the big party a year later.

@red_pepper_gal: That's such a fun term. Love it! We probably wouldn't do a separate ceremony, though, unless FH really wanted to. I love OBB.

@JenniMichele: He works until 4:30, so I've got another 18 minutes of torture (at least). Another 5-10 to get home...eeeeeeeeeeyagh! I should go talk to the cat or something. I do hope he says yes to the idea, because quite frankly, I'm sick of waiting.

@JenniMichele: Right? And I am so ready! I think the fact that I'm even excited about it says it all--the marriage is more important than a big wedding. :) And I'd love for us to host a big party next year for everyone as husband and wife--how fun!

He said yes! :) He agreed with me--it's the marriage that's important, and we'd be saving a TON by not calling our party next year a wedding, so we're going to look at the calendar here in a few minutes, set a tentative date, and get the ball rolling!

OMG I AM SO EXCITED!

@kate169: I was a ward of the court because I was raised by a guardian, not an actual parent (I was never legally adopted), so the under-26 thing doesn't apply to me. It's an unfortunate loophole I fell through. FH's job does not recognize domestic partners under the insurance policy, so marriage is the only way I'd be covered. I'm in school, but an independent student, and this is my last year (thank god). :)