- 6 years ago
I just wanted to send an update to let you know that this summer has been one of growth, change, enlightenment, determination, commitment, maturity, and love. My fiance and I, as you may or may not know from many a previous posts, have been going through a bit of a rough patch. By “bit”, I do mean “an enormous, overwhelming, 3-months worth”. It began with my fear of our lack of a future plan/vision, followed by anxiety over always being 2nd priority to his career, followed by looking so closely at him with a microscope so as to find any flaw that I may or may not be able to live with. What became one worry suddenly became 70, and it was completely overwhelming to both he and I. We called the wedding off in June, only to realize that we truly did want this to work, and that we could both make some adjustments to remedy the conflicts. So the wedding was on again. However, a few weeks later, doubt crept back into my mind when I realized that I was the only one making a sizeable sacrifice (i.e. agreeing to stay in a city that literally lead me to a depression just 5 months ago for the sake of him pursuing his career). I became scared all over again that this would be the beginning of a pattern that would never end: me always bending, always adjusting in order to save the relationship or make it work, and he never understanding that compromise in marriage is not only paramount, but a two way street.
So, after going forward with wedding plans in July, I decided in August that I just absolutely couldn’t do it. I started having visions of walking down the aisle, and would have so much anxiety because I didn’t know how I would feel on that day: fear, doubt, regret, joy? I had no idea. I knew that was a bad sign. Everything seemed so perfect about our wedding day except the man who was standing at the end of the aisle. I know that sounds so harsh, and it is incredibly heartbreaking for me to even admit, but that is how scared and how pushed in a corner I felt from all of this. I knew I had to speak up, I knew I had to tell my family how I was feeling (they are contributing 50% to the wedding) and I knew I had to tell my fiance.
It was the hardest thing I will ever do…and it took weeks to finally pull the trigger…but after a lot of debating, conversing, sobbing, yelling, we came to the conclusion that even though we are only *gulp* two months from the wedding, it is better that we wait to get married.
It was a really tough road to get to that place, and it still is hard every day, especially as we get closer and closer to the date that was supposed to be our anniversary, a countdown I had been waiting for since January of 2010! We’ve been engaged a long time, and dating for 4, but yet, neither of us were brave enough to bring up these issues because I think we knew how hard it would be to get through them. So we ignored things, since day to day was always so great between us. We have so much love for each other. We are best friends. We have so much fun together. Compatibility, love, those are not what’s at stake. It was just a question of: do we want the same things out of life together? Can we both build a life TOGETHER, and can we both learn how to compromise, take life one day at a time, one decision at a time?
Every day, we are working on things. Just in the past three weeks of officially postponing, he and I have made so much effort to SHOW the other that changes can and will be made. He needed more *true* support from me about his career, I needed him to be more sensitive to my wanting a plan for the near future and more stability. On the other hand, however, I have given up a lot of my control over what the future may or may not bring, since you just CANNOT ever know, and he has learned to show me that I AM in fact his number one priority. We’ve also set up a LOT of boundaries with our families that they will never know about, like how involved to make them in our relationship, our arguments, etc. We have learned through this situation (even though both families were SOOO SOOOO SOOO supportive, patient, unbiased) that we need to rely on EACH OTHER for advice, for support, we need to solve things like this within our own microcosm of a world. Of course, family is important and we will still be close to them, but if they ask how things are, even if we recently had a silly altercation, we will refrain from telling them the play-by-play of the fight. WE are becoming a family now.
I have to say, he and I both have matured so much from this, which was the outcome I was praying for. At the end of the day, I didn’t want to break up, I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want to marry someone else or go back to the dating circuit again. I just wanted him to understand fully what marriage meant, I wanted him to want to build a true partnership, a marriage built on equality, trust, compromise, compassion, sympathy, sacrifice, love. And we are striving every day, closer and closer, to the strongest bond we’ve EVER had. And I am so thankful for that. I envision our wedding day, what ever day that may be in the future, walking down the aisle toward him, seeing no one else but him, his eyes locking with mine, fully aware of what we’ve been through, the path we’ve traveled together, and knowing how much we fought for what we have. Knowing that he and I will be the only ones in that room who *truly* know what it’s like to have walked in our shoes during this really rough time, and how much it means that because we walked down that path, we are that much stronger, that much wiser, and that much more ready to join together in such a sacred and incredible bond.
We both feel we could have been ready by November to get married on our original date, however, the pressure of that impending date was adding so much tension to our arguments and decisions, it was impossible to figure things out with a clear head which is why we decided to eliminate that stressor. Trust me, it’s so hard knowing that that was the right decision, since things are so great between my fiance and I right now. However, it has put an enormous amount of stress on my relationship with my family, unfortunately, because they are confused, hurt, and feel like the amount of time dedicated to coming to this decision, and the amount of turmoil was all in vain if we are just going to decide to stay together. So that’s INCREDIBLY tough. And we want to take ample time to not only prove to ourselves, but prove to our families that we have truly repaired things, want to start anew on a strong, healthy foot. However, I have cried my EYES out at some of the things my mom has said to me in the past few days, and I know she wants to be supportive, but she is equally as disappointed and confused, and as a result is saying really hurtful things. What’s so frustrating is that had we decided to keep the wedding date the same, she would have pitched a fit and been mad and confused and upset, just the same way she is reacting to us cancelling. So I’m not sure there is a right answer here with her…but none of that REALLY matters anyway because this is my life, my choice, my bed that I have to make and lie in, and it is OUR future together that we are deciding on, no one else’s. I know she is trying to be protective, but she’s gone too far, to the point where it’s hurtful to my feelings. But we are all hurting and I know I need to be patient of that.
I feel so confident that speaking up was the right choice, confronting these scary scary feelings back in MAY, listening to those inner voices that were telling me to re-evaluate things, because I have gained SO much good out of all of the pain, confusion, indecision.
I just wanted to share this all with you, since you have been there for me through it all. Maybe this is the best time to reveal that my regular user name is “Tuscanbride”…so that maybe this might help anyone going through similar issues. It might also be enlightening to follow my struggle with dress remorse on Tuscanbride, my process of purchasing TWO gowns, and paralleling that indecision with the indecision I MUST have been feeling deep down inside before I even knew where it was coming from. It wasn’t about the dress. I know that now, nearly $5,000 later :-/
Anyway, I just want to say again THANK YOU to all who have been supportive. I truly hope that I can repay the favor and show support to you all in your times of need (but hoping you never need me the way I needed you!!)
All the best.