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As long as the person knows they are not invited to the wedding I think it's ok. Especially if it only applies to a few people who are close friends with you mom/step-mom.
My mom has been invted to a few showers where she was not invited to the wedding and they were always her close friends daughters or daughter-in-laws to be.
I think it's ok as long as they know they're not invited AND it's only a few people (not like 5, 10, 15 + people). I was at a shower once with 70 people, most of which were not invited to the wedding :(
I agree... they would have to be aware of the fact they are not invited... otherwise... it's just kind of awful...
you must be in my head -- i was just having this same discussion with my mom! i told her that they have to have that convo beforehand with everyone who isn't invited to the wedding. i don't want any awkwardness at the shower, nor do i want them to feel like they have to give me a "bigger gift" bc they think they're invited to the wedding, and then find out later that they're not!
emily post says that "work colleagues" are the only instance where it's okay to have a shower and not invite them to the wedding (ie, when you have a work shower). but apparently my mom thinks that my grandma's friends also fall under this rule. i just told her that she's the one who has to tell them that they're not invited...
I kind of have to sway another direction on this one girls - sorry. I don't believe that it is appropriate to invite someone to a shower if they are not going to be invited to the wedding. I do agree with Rebecca that the situation is different if your friends from work throw you a little shower at work or after work. Most colleagues already know that you can't invite everyone to your wedding. However, when you open up your family and friend shower it kind of invites someone in and makes them feel part of the big day. I think that it would be a total let down to a person to find out later that their not invited to the actual wedding. I also think that it is weird to say to someone - Oh your invited to my shower but your not invited to my wedding.
I think this is such a hard issue b/c the bride really shouldn't be the one deciding who to invite to a shower--she's the guest of honor. It's the hostess who comes up with the invites (though yes, the tradition has somehow become collaborative so that the hostess knows who she "should" invite...)
I suppose it makes a difference whether you are having a pretty small wedding, so that its clear you have a limited guest list, or whether you just are inviting people to the shower but not to the wedding. I have been invited to showers, and then not been invited to the wedding, but those were all destination weddings, or LDS temple weddings. And in most cases I was invited to the local reception, which was held a few weeks after the wedding.
And maybe in this case its really an excuse for your mom and grandma to throw a arty for their friends? I would feel weird having friends of mine invited to a shower but not the wedding, but if your mom is cool inviting HER friends to your shower but not to your wedding (making the assumption that your folks are hosting the actual wedding, which may not be true) then I suppose that's fine. I mean, I guess she knows what her friends would think is acceptable, right?
Ah, the classic example of, "Is my wedding about me or you?". It's such a weird thing that happens, families somehow use your big day to entertain their own friends!
On one hand, the moms are hosting the party, so they want their friends there to show them the nice party they are throwing. On the other hand, they kind of want to show you off, too..."Look at my beautiful daughter that's getting married."
Can you gently remind them that it's very nice of them to throw a party for you, which means it's supposed to be all about you? It's counter-intuitive for us because it seems like we're being selfish, when you want to be considerate to your family's feelings.
If the friend is not close enough to your stepmom or FMIL to be included on the wedding guest list, they shouldn't be invited to your shower. One more person for you to have to say hi to, which means less time for you to spend with the people you really want to spend time with.
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My FMIL and FSIL (bless them!) are throwing me a shower, as well as my step mom - basically splitting things down the middle and getting everyone.
Questions have come up about weather they could invite a friend of theirs, that I do know, but isn't on the wedding guest list to the shower. I'm all for it, the more the merrier is how I feel - but I would feel terribly obligated to invite them to the wedding.
How should one deal with this?
I think I might feel crappy if I was asked to come to the shower and bring a gift, then didn't land on the guest list for the big day. I'd at least wonder what was up?
Thanks!!!