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I was on my way to the grocery store with Mr.TKE and I just asked him if he's had any major thoughts about our wedding. He was like it's over a year away (1 year, 1 month, 1 day to be exact) and we have plenty of time. I informed him that weddings take a long time to plan and 1 year really isn't that much time. He informed me that he has more important things to work on right now. And if life happens before plans are made for our wedding, then we'll just elope (which is what I want to do anyway). Then he informed me that he's not sure if he wants to legally marry me. In a sense, he wants the whole white dress, tux kit and caboodle, but he doesn't want to ask the state for the right to marry me. He told me this after I informed him that I will at least need 1 week before we elope to get my dress, his tux (or whatever), and the marriage license.
What the heck does that me? I'm really confused, and I'm just about ready to cry right now. Any help?
Did you ask him why he feels this way?
If it is just a general objection to asking a bureaucracy to formalize the marriage, I can understand, although I wouldn't agree with him.
If he thinks it will get him out of any legal repsonsibilities associated with marriage, he would be sadly mistaken and that would be a whole other discussion.
I'm sorry to hear this, doll. I'd be pissed, though. You need to find out what his reasons are for not wanting to "legally" be tied to you. Honestly, I do believe that you can be married without the piece of paper-- the important part is that you two are committed to one another, and you make your vows to one another before God (if you believe in that). BUT at the same time, I want the piece of paper because of the legal benefits that come along with it. You really need to talk with him and find out what his problem with the legal aspects of marriage is..
I hope everything works out for you two.
@thisismeAXiD: You need to figure out his reasoning on this one because it literally makes no sense IMO. Did you ask him yet why he feels this way?
I know people like that. They feel marriage is more spiritual than a legal contract. After all, a marriage certificate is just a piece of paper that says you are legally binded to each other and you can claim it's perks like being on each others insurance, filing taxes together, be notified of medical decisions, ect. Nothing on that cert says anything about your vows or feelings about each other.
However, I would ask him how he really feels. Does he not want the legal part because it would be easier for him to walk away or does he really feel marriage status shouldn't be determined by a piece of paper?
I've tried asking and he just says he's too busy right now, emotionally and physically, to deal with this...I don't know what that means.
Sounds like a bit of a red flag, unless you guys are radical anarchists.
You can be spiritually married or something if you would like but even an elopement with an officiant requires legality.
I'd be livid if my fiance said that he wanted to spend all the money on a wedding without legally getting married.
I'd definitely want a good reason out of him. I could understand not getting married as a protest, but then we just plain wouldn't get married.
I'd be livid if my FI said he was too busy to talk with me about such a serious matter. That is a total cop-out and totally dismissive of my feelings.
I'm concerned that he would think that was an appropriate response.
"I'd be livid if my FI said he was too busy to talk with me about such a serious matter."
This.
Ack, you're all right. I'm going to speak with him in a bit when I gather my thoughts some more, this is a little tiring right now to try and think about.
Uhhhh...
I hate to ask, but does he have any kind of outstanding warrants or other legal issues you might not know about?
Hmm I would ask him why he feels that way.. I cant really give any advice other than that. Some people dont see the need for it to be legal, but idk if thats the case for him.
@KatyElle: No, he's as clean as a cucumber...I checked and double checked before I even started dating him...but good call.
@thisismeAXiD: Good, some people will dodge getting a marriage license, since it's registered through the courthouse and it can pull up outstanding warrants or other legal brouhaha.
If not, I don't get it either! That's what marriage is, a binding and legally recognized commitment... not just a party where people dress up and drink.
Echoing the thoughts about the spirtitual vs civil parts of being married, up until the last 6 months or so I was adamant that there was no reason I needed to get married again, at least in the eyes of the local or national governement. Being with my SO was a choice I made each and every day to love him and stay with him. That piece of paper? It made it less of a daily, remewing choice and more of a contractual obligation. I considered, for a while, throwing the big party and just having a moment of it be a committment ceremony or something like that.
Obviously I've changed my thinking on it for a number of reasons, but I considered that stance perfectly valid for several years and know others who feel the same way.
That said, "too busy" is sort of an odd way to put it. I'd be tempted to ask how signing a marriage certiifcate interferes with his grand to-do list... especially if he's on board for all the trappings--that certificate is a very small time committment of the wedding as a whole.
I would definitely talk to him & get some answers. This shouldn't be the attitude of a man who wants to be with you. I would find this quite hurtful! Good luck!
@thisismeAXiD: I really hope the discussion goes better later, sending you good vibes. You need/deserve some answers to what he stated. Let us know!
Who has a wedding without actually getting married?!? You've got every right to be upset, especially since he's "too busy" to talk about it. I am so sorry, but it sounds like he's willing to "play house," (including dress up, apparently) but not on board to for making an actual adult commitment.
@thisismeAXiD: Oh my goodness, FI and I had this same discussion last night. His sister got married and didn't wait the 3 day waiting period to have the ceremony. I told him I didn't think she was legally married and he said I was the only one concerned about the legalities of marriage. That he would marry me without a piece of paper because he is pledging his life and soul to me and could care less what the government said. I said the piece of paper is important since marriage is a legal binding contract (ahh, such a romantic, I am!). We, of course, will have the piece of paper, but he doesn't think it is important. I think it is a way of "sticking it to the man." I wouldn't take it like he doesn't want to marry you, but as in he doesn't care what the goverment thinks about your marriage. That's how my FI means it anyways.
:( I am sorry. I would tell him how this upsets you and also mention the legal necessity of informing the state that you are indeed married. In case of an emergency, I would certainly WANT my husband to have legal rights. Let us know how this goes!
Not just in case of emergency (though that's a big one). There are all kinds of things that require being married. I think someone already mentioned benefits, but then there are things like inheritance and if they're never legally married, even if they lived their whole lives together, neither would be able to draw survivor's benefits from the SSA. There's a whole range of protections and rights that spouses are afforded that cohabiting partners aren't.
Personally, I think it's incredibly selfish of someone to cut off the person they claim to love from being able to access those things (at the time they'd likely need them most, and be least able to cope with fighting for them on their own) out of some juvenile desire to "stick it to the man!" by refusing to properly file a marriage license.
@thisismeAXiD: I could understand if your fiance didn't believe in marriage at all and would rather live together for life, but he wants the party (and I assume the presents/money) that go with it with none of the legal responsibilities. This niggles at my sensibilities. If he didn't believe in marriage off principle then he wouldn't be agreeing to the dress up and party.
@Eva Peron: Agreed. Red flag. I hate to be a downer but I'm old enough to have seen crap like this happen to others.
Okay, so he does not want to get married. He wants to throw a party. There's a big difference, and he owes it to you to be up front with his feelings on this so you can figure out what you need to do for yourself.
like the others major red flag. i wouldn't go through with that no way no how. id run like the wind but thats just me.
Shaking my head... As a same-sex couple, we were so thrilled finally to have the chance to get legally married. I just don't understand those who could do it at any courthouse but don't see the point.
However, I'm with the others. If you don't want to be legally married, then don't have the ceremony. Having a pretend ceremony makes no sense.
A lot of people get like that. Or they don't get married at all because of similar opinions. The problem is though, however much someone says it shouldn't matter if you're not married if you love each other, the truth is legally you're not covered.
I'm not talking about divorce/money either. If the worst possible situation happens and one of you dies, not only does it leave the one left behind heartbroken but you get left with all sorts of difficulties, from financial and housing to funerals. Technically, you are not the official next of kin of someone you're not married to and it would be down to the family of your deceased partner to take care of all that, and if you don't get along extremely well with them this could be an issue.
Something worth discussing anyway. Not saying that should be the sole reason for getting married, absolutely not, but it is wise to consider it.
I was with a man who was like that when I was in the my 20s. If he had said elope, he doesn't need the party to be married, then that would be great. Since he wants the party and to fake the marriage, that's not a good sign IMO.
You need to sit down and communcate about your goals and make sure you're both working toward the same one. If not, he needs to let you move on. I spent 10 years waiting for a man to be ready to marry.
@Elvis: THIS
I would be pissed that he is basically robbing you of your legal benefits by not legally marrying you
I had some acquaintances that had the whole wedding, but no license because they had a kid and she could not continue to collect welfare and other services if they were married. Yes, they lie about their residences too.
Other than that I second all the sentiments above. If he feels this way, it needs to be something that he can explain to you. The lack of communication is bothersome to me.
I knew someone who was like the PP (making the choice daily to stay together, rather than needing an exterior piece of paper). Well after 17 years together, when she was in her late 30's, he decided to not make that daily choice and walked out on her. The emotional and financial trouble it caused was enormous.
In talking with her later, she realized she went along with his beliefs, convincing herself that she too didn't want the piece of paper. But in reality, she did and she felt cheated out of her youth. And despite the fact that they were together for so many years, she realized, the reason he didn't want to get married was because he wanted to have one toe out the door.
And as for the piece of paper, sometimes you need an external reason to work it out. There will be days (weeks or even months) where you don't want to make that decision to stay. You will fall in and out of love through the course of your marriage and that piece of paper gives you added incentive to work it out. That marriage license is more than just a piece of paper!
@mmsva: i think i need to clarify. isn't the point of being married being....LEGALLY married. like, spiritually married is well and good too, but i was under the impression that it was the legality of it that made it marriage.
@thisismeAXiD: You said he had no legal problems. Is it possible there is a prior marriage that you are not aware of? It would not be the first time that someone married young and never had it taken care of for whatever reason he might not have necessarily gotten married in your state either.
My other question to you is common law marriage recognized in your state? Perhaps he is thinking that a piece of paper will not be necessary if common law is in effect.
Alright, I talked to Mr.TKE. ...and no he isn't previously married...we met when he was 22 and in college, and I just asked him...he said no...
Now...He did tell me this last night M for me, S for Mr.TKE. "..." mindless banter
M: why do you not want a marriage license when we get married
S: I knew you were going to blow this out of proportion, I never said I was set on this, I just was thinking it over, I should have never brought it up.
...
S: The good thing about getting a license may be to get a break in taxes, that's about it.
M: what about my rights as your wife, when you die, or even to get proper health insurance
S: I can get my own insurance
...
M: *in my head I'm going crazy*
...
M: what about if our marriage is on the rocks, you could just leave and I would be stuck with everything and nothing at the same time.
S: MER...I'll never leave you.
...
S: our marriage is between Me, You, and God. Not me, you, god, and the state of WI.
M: I know that, and you know that, but the state of WI makes it legal, without eveything else it's just playing dress-up.
S: So you think same-sex couples just play dress-up when they have a ceremony and bind themselves spiritually to eachother and to (god or divine spirit)?
M: No, of course not, but this is about us! We're not a same-sex couple, we have the right to legally be married and take full advantage of what that offers us.
S: ...*political banter*
...
M: So, what have we decided:
S: Nothing, but I'm glad you told me how you feel on the subject. I love you and I'd never do anything to hurt you. And more importantly when we get married, I'll never leave you, I'm with you until my dying breath
... *just for some slight humor (this actually was said)
M: So what have we agreed upon for our wedding so far?
S: The date and our partner
M: and no pink?
S: and no pink.
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