Wedding Woes: Missing Parent

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
27 posts
  • Wedding: November 2014

@WildCherry810:  My fiance is missing a parent, his father. We are newly engaged and just starting to cross the boundaries of talking about whether or not he will try to contact his biological father. His father sent him a facebook message about a year ago basically saying I love you and calling him son, after not seeing him for 15+ years and being non-existant in his life in any way. My FI wants to talk to him, but doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t want to be disapointed by the fact that he has a couple other children he has raised since day one. It really is just scary for both of us.


I commend you for opening yourself up to try to fomulate a relationship with your mother. It isn’t easy to expose yourself to be disapointed by someone who has already done it in that past. That being said, I think that the best thing for you to do would be to leave the door open for her to communicate and build a relationship with you, but leave out any expectations (financial, emotional, or otherwise). I can’t begin to understand the hurt that you are feeling but I know that holding onto it won’t hurt anyone but yourself. Enjoy the people that you have in your life to fall back on and appreciate the people that are always there. While you may want to share a lot with your mother that she missed, it can be just as wonderful to think about the people that already shared them with you.


I wish you all the best! Congrats on the wedding!

Post # 4
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I wasn’t exactly in the same situation. Let me explain, my dad has dementia. I got married this past March and while he was able to be at the wedding, it just was not the same as my dad was when I was younger. He was not able to walk me down the aisle, there was no big father daughter dance, and he ended up getting so confused/agitated that my mom had to take him back to the hotel  before the end of the wedding- they missed the Viennese hour at the end. At first it was incredibly painful to think about the fact that though my dad was there, he didn’t really “know” what was happening, that his daughter was getting married. He was there but he couldn’t participate or be excited for me or be my dad the way I know him to be. I just had to get to a point where I said this is what it is. I’m lucky to have what I have in my life. Having my dad as a more involved part of my wedding just wasn’t in my cards. Once I accepted it and just kind of went with it then I felt much better about it. I can’t make his disease change, I can’t make time go backward and this is all I have to work with. I think you have to let go. It sucks that your bio mom can’t be there and can’t be what you would like her to be or need her to be in your life.  But we have no control over any of it. For mental, physicsl, enotional reasons- people can’t always be what we’d like them to be. If she has struggled with mental illness in the past, as you says she has, then maybe she is going through something now, who knows. I tried focussing my attention on the blessings that I did have with me and that helped a lot. Not sure if that will help but I  hope it does! 

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