Post # 1
For some reason, I have started to notice all of my fiance’s flaws. I notice now more than ever his imperfect body and it is interferring in our sex life. I notice more when he does the things that he does to get on my nerves. Is this normal when I am getting ready to walk down the aile? Am I just nervous? Never before has this been an issue and I have always been madly in love with him and despite his flaws and when he got on my nerves, he was always perfect. I know we are both under extreme stress right now and I hope that is part of the reason. I mean, this does not mean that before he never got on my nerves or I did not notice his weight, but it never seemed to stand out as much as it does now. So, is my focusing on the bad normal when I am about to get married or do I need to reevaluate my relationship?
Post # 3
I think this is something a lot of people go through right before the wedding. As long as those flaws are not serious (i.e. as long as the flaws are not abuse, cheating, total disrepect, complete opposite views/ideals/goals from yours, etc…), I think you can probably write it off as "wedding day jitters" or "cold feet." Honestly, I would take your second thoughts as a sign of your understanding of the seriousness of marriage; you obviously are putting a lot of weight on this decision and this commitment, and that’s a really good thing. It means that marriage isn’t just some momentary whim or a decision that you came to lightly.
I’ve been reading this book recently that has really enlightened me and kinda comforted me that these types of feelings are totally normal. It’s called "what Nobody Tells The Bride" by Marg Stark. It might help you come to terms with these feelings too!
Post # 4
I think you should try to take some time away to de-stress. Maybe a girl’s weekend away or even just a day at the spa…something to clear your head. Once you feel less stressed and more relaxed, hopefully your ill feelings about your fiance’s flaws will lessen or go away all together. If you are still feeling annoyed, then perhaps it’s not the stress causing all these negative feelings and you should think about what is really causing them.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall
Kelmb, I agree with Mrs. Spring. I think you’re unconsciously nervous or trying to make sure you’re making the right decision. I also agree with her that as long as those flaws are just that – flaws, and not the serious stuff she mentioned – you just need to think about the commitment you are making and whether it is the right commitment for you. How long have you and your Fiance been together? Has it been long enough for the "puppy love" stage of dating to wear off? Assuming that it has, consider the things you love about your Fiance. Why do you want to marry him? The odds are, those reasons more than compensate for any annoying little habits he has, or a few extra pounds he may be carrying.
On the flip side, let’s talk about the weight for a sec. Could it be that you’re concerned about his health? More and more as we get older, I’m concerned about my own and Mr. Mary Jane’s health – what we’re eating, and how much (or how little, in our case!) exercise we’re doing. This is because I want us to grow old together, healthily. I would hate for one or both of us to have health problems in our golden years, if they’re preventable right now. So THAT is a reason I get concerned about our weights and appearances… perhaps your concern for your Fiance has to do with that too? Just a thought.
Hopefully you will be just fine… Just take a step back and think about the "big stuff". Little stuff (like biting nails, leaving the seat up, or snoring for example) can be conquered, ignored, or dealt with.
Post # 6
OMG…I can relate…
Lately I’ve been having…umm…suggestive dreams about other men. Past boyfriends or nonexistent strangers. They’re not totally outrageous, but they usually involve me knowing that I cheated and trying to figure out whether it was REALLY cheating and how to tell my Fiance.
Not exactly the same thing, but I’ve chocked it up as cold feet. We have both been so stressed and have to put more energy into doing stuff that has nothing to do with wedding planning and relaxing and NOT bickering over dumb stuff or picking at eachother’s flaws. Stress is a powerful thing! I never expected it to be a big deal cause we’ve been together 6 years…but the pressure of marriage IS real!
Post # 7
My Fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and got engaged 6 months ago. I know that I love him and he is my best friend. I suppose that is why I am so confused.
His health is a big part of the reason. His mom has told me that diabetes runs in their family and that she is worried for him too. I cannot lie and say that I do not think I would be more attracted to him (at least at the moment) if the weight was off, but he is getting to that age where his metabolism is slowing down and where health problems may start to develop.
Also, even though my Fiance and I have never broken up, due to a long history of family issues, I have always had commitment issues. I had them spring up around our first anniversary and although after that there were a few triggers, I have never felt so jittery about being in a relationship with him until now. I have got to trust myself that I have stayed in it this long for the right reasons. I do not think I would have felt the elation that I did when he proposed unless it was real.
Post # 8
First of all, take a deep breath! This is TOTALLY normal and all variations of what you guys are talking about happened to me! When I was about to move back to Boston (where he lives, and I had lived, but my htown is in Cleveland where I had been living for 2 years) I started freaking out about EVERYTHING- from the size of our wedding (then, the guest list was 450!) to his flaws (all of a sudden super noticeable, even though they’d been A-OK for 4.5 years!) to why the $%$*!! I was having dreams about exes.. oh yeah, and why was I less in the mood, too?! That coupled with his mom being diagnosed with cancer right when I moved, and then HIM becoming an emotional wreck… We changed the date- "postponed" although I don’t like that word. Things calmed down, I read a lot of good books, we did premarital counseling and found what I knew already- everything was FINE. better than that, everything was still AWESOME. We could not be more meant for each other, despite the sudden concern over his flaws and all the ways we were different. So, what I’m trying to say is you are NORMAL, you are NOT ALONE, and you can get through this. You’re right, you would not have been elated when he proposed if it was wrong- I held on to that too, which is one reason we never actually called things off. Everything had been good for so long, and stress maginfies EVERYTHING… and let me tell you, NOTHING can look good under a microscope, not even something as bright and beautiful as the sun.
Here is my advice. After you take a lot of deep breaths, talk to your Fiance. Then, go to http://www.consciousweddings.com and http://www.emotionallyengaged.com. Also, read the books Emotionally Engaged, and What No One Tells The Bride. They are GREAT books and discuss the fact that engagement is HUGE and the stress of everythign leads to the exact same things everyone is talking about- the dreams, the flaws, all of it. Then, if you’re still not feeling back to yourself, talk to a therapist. IT DOESN’T MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! It is AWESOME!! I think everyone should see a therapist when they are engaged, honest to God I do. I loved the experience. (Yes I am biased because I am a therapist, and that is why I leapt right to that, but still! It helps!!) It honeslty sounds like you have a great relationship and you would know it if you really should be getting out of the engagement. Sounds like you’re having normal (I repeat, NORMAL!) cold feet.
Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this. I’d be glad to help, and share what I’ve learned!
Post # 9
I cannot lie and say that I do not think I would be more attracted to him (at least at the moment) if the weight was off…
If his weight is causing you to be less attracted to him, that’s something he needs to know. My Fiance has gained A LOT of weight since we met (more than 2 years ago). Lately I find myself less attracted to him. Do I love him? Yes. Do I love his beer gut? NO.
For a long time I hinted about losing weight for health reasons etc etc… And though he agreed with me it didn’t seem to motivate him. Finally after months (and a LOT of soul-searching…I’m just not the kind of person who can be frank about someone’s weight!) I came out and told him that my attraction to him was suffering because of his weight. I have never seen a man so driven to run on the treadmill all day long!
The conversation does suck to have, there’s no way to do it without hurting feelings at least a little. But I think it’s important for you to always feel that spark with a man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Like any other part of marriage, you need to address the problem before it becomes a big issue. Especially now when he’s getting older and soon the weight will be even harder to take off.
As for the little annoyances…I think that’s totally normal. Honestly, marriage makes it "real". Suddenly all those little things that never bother you are "CAN I LIVE WITH THAT FOREVER?" issues. It won’t always feel like that unless you had a problem with the little things before.
Post # 10
i don’t think it matters how long you’ve been together. i was with my last bf for 8 years and knew in my heart i did not have the passion and just as important, admiration for him that would keep me faithful and keep us happy in a marriage. yes, we were best friends (he is a great guy), but i did not have the intimacy with him i was looking for – not just the sex intimacy either. anyway, i finally got up the nerve to ‘take a break’ with him. 3 short months later i met a guy (my FI) at a party, and by our third date i absolutely 100% knew he would be the man i would spend the rest of my life with. i used to be scared that i was being too picky about my bf, and i told myself that that my bf would make a great husband and father. I was afraid of change and expectations, and after all i loved my bf – we had been together 8 years and my family adored him. Every situation is different and personal, and only you know where your doubts are coming from, but i wanted you to know my story b/c life can change in an instant. don’t settle for less than 100%.
Post # 11
I think we can all relate to this at some point. My Fiance and I have been together for 10 years. Sometimes its hard to seperate the passion and the everyday feelings. I know that I love him more than anything, but I am not always that passionate about him, or at least as much as I used to be. A few months ago I went through what you are going through, the little things started to bother me, the way he put on his socks, or never cleaned off the stove after dinner. And I wondered if I could live with the same man for the rest of my life. Would this be "as good as it gets?"
I talked to my mom about this, my parents marriage was a train wreck. I asked her if this was normal did she go through this before she got married. What she told me was that she married my dad because nobody wanted her to. She didnt have the love for him that she sees between us. She didnt get cold feel, or have any regrets because she was numb to the whole experience. When you are truely in love and ready to commit to marriage you should have those slight doubts because you understand the commitment you are about to make.
Then I realized that in all my relationships (mother, friends) nobody is perfect. They all have the little annoyances, but I would never think of giving them up. Yes your attraction for him will go up and down, and Im sure the same thing can be said from his point of view. But in the end you know in your heart what you need to do. If it helps take a day to yourself. Maybe take a girlfriend to a nearby city and spend the night there, go shopping or to the spa. You never know what you had until its gone. A little bit of space always makes you appreciate what you have.
Post # 12
I agree with what others are saying about not settling for less than 100%, but at the same time I know exactly where you are coming from. I have a big case of pre-wedding jitters, with a full complement of dreams about other men, flaw nit-picking, and worst-case-scenario doomsday forecasting.
You mentioned you have had committment issues before—usually such issues aren’t soley tied to relationships but pop up in other areas of our life too. I get nervous about committing to things too (really nervous), and I will question everything about them right up to the bitter end just to make sure I’m sure. So although I’d never been engaged before to have a standard for comparison, I did have other life events to compare my reaction to.
Is your reaction comparable to any other big life change situation you’ve experienced? For me the last one was decided to go to college far away from home . . . I had major reservations at the last minute, but in the end I had a great experience. Looking at your past behavioral patterns will help you decipher if it’s the moment that’s causing these doubts or if they are real.
Just remember too that the only perfect men are in the movies. It’s normal to notice the flaws when you are about to sign a contract to put up with them forever. Try your hardest to look for and remember the good things too. It will improve your mood and help set up a new "default" way of looking at the world.
Post # 13
I understand what you all are saying and thank you for posting.
Chelseamorning, you asked if I have felt this before, and honestly my entire life has been pretty tumultuous. I come from a bad family setting and it seems like the rollercoaster never stopped. I am, however, naturally very over analytical and second guess everything. I have thought about what my life would be like with someone else, and I just cannot. Sure, a guy who is movie star hot is nice to think about, but my Fiance and I just click. Most of the time we are just making fun of each other (ina joking way) and everything is fine. I have never really noticed the things that I have mentioned before until now. I suppose hearing djmaddieblue’s story makes me a little nervous, however, I do not think there is a better guy out there than my Fiance.
My Fiance and I have been in a distance relationship for 3 years of our 3.5 yr relationship. The first 6 months apart I was lucky if I would see him once a month and after that I see him most weekends. Now, with us trying to find jobs in the same place I feel like I need him around more than anything. Im worried about us living with his parents after we get married because our leases are up and we have not found jobs in the same area yet and do not have the money to follow one person. Not only that, but as much as I think we are exhausted from the distance, even being at his parents house for a week is tough because, well, it is small and we do not have the alone time we really need. So, it is eitehr too much space or not enough.