(Closed) Weddings Smeddings, HELP!!!!!!!

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

first of all hot rod heather, wear whatever the hell you wanna wear girl, its your day.

check out this wedding where the bride wore this red dress….. http://www.sashasouzaevents.com/gallery/candice_erich.html

i think this wedding was posted on here before, but i was at this wedding and this dress looked FABULOUS. you don’t have to wear white to look like a glowing gorgeous bride. you can also check out http://stephaniejamescouture.com for some great vintage looks.

this location is in the napa valley does elopement packages and it’s wear the red dress wedding was held. don’t know where you are at but the location is : http://www.hansfahden.com 

If your FI has a bad taste for elopement because of having done it in the past, you NEED to respect that. This is where the art of compromise comes in. So maybe you have an under 20 people wedding or a wedding of just his folks and yours… you know what I’m saying? Clearly family is important to him. Another idea is maybe you two go have a private ‘ceremony’ and then do a fun reception later or the following week. Wear a great Jackie-0 suit dress for the private ceremony and then wear some sparkly ‘bridal’ sheath dress for the party.

you have so many options!

Post # 4
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

[please excuse my typos and incorrect grammar… it’s late and i should be sleeping, but Im addicted to planning]

Post # 5
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Yes, some panic attacks are normal during the wedding planning phase.  You should probably understand though that most of the women on this site did not elope and are planning the BIG SHOWY WEDDING you are showing such disdain for, so you may not get the responses you are seeking.

I do think that your fiance’s reason for wanting a big white wedding is kind of ridiculous.  A wedding does not make a marriage, so if he thinks that having lots of people there to witness a spectacular event will somehow be the glue that holds your relationship together afterwards, then he needs to sit down and think about why he REALLY wants a big event.  That reason doesn’t wash with me.  It sounds like you do actually have a good relationship from what you’ve described, so I’m not concerned that a wedding IS the only thing holding your relationship together – I just think that’s a bad reason to decide to have a big event.  A big white wedding costs a lot of money, and especially if it’s not something you want, then he should have some very good reasons for wanting it before you go ahead and plan a big white wedding.

Having said that, I don’t think you should pull a "my way or the highway" here.  Deciding on what style wedding to hold is just the first of a lifetime of big decisions and compromises that will have to be made.  If you can’t agree on this, how will you ever agree on anything?  You need to compromise on a few things, and so does he.  I think you should probably decide what aspects of your wedding are the absolute most important things to you, and hold tight to those.  Be willing to give a little on the rest.  Same goes for your fiance – he should determine his top priorities and then be willing to compromise on other aspects.

In your shoes, I might start with the red dress.  It sounds like a white dress is quite important to your fiance.  I wouldn’t read too much into the symbolism of the white dress anymore – I think it’s generally understood nowadays that many, if not most, brides are not virginal when they tie the knot, and yet most do still wear white just for tradition’s sake.  If your fiance finds a red wedding dress to be trashy and offensive, why would you want to wear one?  What about something that’s just slightly off-white instead, for the best of both worlds?  Maybe a pale grey, gold or silver, ice blue, or baby pink dress?  Or a white dress with brightly coloured embroidery (maybe even red)?

Post # 6
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Okay, first, you need to breathe… Second, if he wants the big fancy wedding- LET HIM PLAN THE DAMN THING. If it is important to him, then he shouldn’t tell you what to do & expect you to follow through. I MEAN COME ON! Third, if he absolutely is against eloping, you can’t force it on him…

I agree with the planner- get counseling- if you can’t agree how to start your lives together, then imagine how the life will be… FH & I are on the same page on a lot of major things, but we still opted for the pre-marital counseling thing just to see if there were things we weren’t addressing. Call a local church and see what they offer. I have found those are the best programs available. (Personal opinion).
And my next statement is not to be taken in a b**** manner, but it is sooo going to come out that way… if you are truely having anxiety attacks- like full out clinical ones that include shortness of breath, shaking, feeling pressure on your chest, room closing in, + etc other symptoms, there is either something really wrong here that makes you feel this way (relationship or wedding) AND you need medication or medical/psychological intervention. I have many friends that had to get on an anti-anxiety medication during wedding planning due to the increased stress involved. Shoot, I had an anxiety attack last week (like full out clinical one) due to all the stress I’m under right now… it doesn’t make me crazy, it just means I NEED HELP dealing with all the crap going on. So I called my doc and well, let’s say I just include myself in that little statistic.

Next, Check out offbeatbride.com She showcases TONS of weddings- with Brides in RED. YUP! BRIGHT FIRE APPLE RED. And they are so absolutely kick a. Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you have to wear a white or pastel dress. Rock out with your socks out in a color you love. Or you could come to a compromise— white for the ceremony and some hot red number for the reception. And if they want to call you a harlot & your FH agrees, well that’s for another post, but he should be a little nicer. The wedding is about the TWO of you- not what one wants over the other… it should be a compromise. He wants fireworks, cool… then you get the red dress… he wants his whole family there??? okay, he pays for it & plans it… you want private- no mics during the vows… get my drift here??? There is a way to give you each what you want without completely bending.

AND a red dress will be a LOT cheaper than a white "bridal" gown! TRUST ME! I wish I had the guts to wear BRIGHT pink. Because I love it… but I know my MIL would be heartbroken if I did that. (FH is an only child=boo).

You can have a cool, kick tail wedding without it being all fancy, schmancy and showy. You can combine the best of both worlds. If he wants his family there, I understand that (that’s my thing)… but FH is from the same mentality as you- he’ll love me the same if my family isn’t there & we just hit up the JP.

Post # 7
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

well, there are some good lengthy responses here…..so i’ll just pop in with:

 You guys need to compromise. Its going to be hard. but the day should be a reflection of the both of you. that means no elopement with just you 2. and no big showy wedding with every single person you’ve ever met in attendance.

I also dont see anything wrong with him wanting to d<span style=”font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana”>ifferentiate his wedding with you from the one of his ex-wife. I will give him the benefit of the doubt and think thats what he means in wanting a big wedding vs an elopement.

 GL!

Post # 8
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2008

i agree – compromise!

what about wearing a white dress for the ceremony and changing at the reception?  Then you get to wear your red hot dress and his family will still get their white gown.

 Also now wedding gowns come in much sleeker modern styles you could easily get an evening gown to wear instead of a ‘wedding gown’. 

And I think that if having a larger wedding is important to your FI you should consider it.  But that said, he should also consider that you don’t want a big wedding.  So see if you can par down the guest list to something simple. 

OR maybe do a private wedding ceremony, very close friends and family, and then a big reception party for everyone else. 

good luck!

Post # 9
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

I haven’t read the other responses yet – can’t take too much time away from working – but I’ll wiegh in with my 2 cents.

I understand how you are feeling!!  Intimate was my key word when I thought about my wedding!  Eloping wasn’t on my mind – since I knew my mom would KILL ME, but 10 guests sounded good to me.  My mom, his step dad, my brother and SIL, his two sisters and thier husbands.  Perfect ๐Ÿ™‚  That’s not really what happened though.

We did plan an intimate wedding – it just wasn’t that small.  We nixed the idea of a wedding party – just had my mom and his step dad stand up with us as MOH and BM.  We choose a location where the MAX was 56.  That meant we only invited our close family members.  (It did help we both have small families)  I invited 4 of my close girlfriends – but those were the only people that weren’t family.

I guess I’m trying to say there is a way you can plan a small scale intimate wedding – where you don’t get overwhelmed and he’s able to invite the people that mean the most to him.  You really just have to stick to your game plan and not get carried away!!

Another tip to minimize planning – have the wedding and reception at the same location.  This way you don’t have to decorate two places – or worry about moving people and things ๐Ÿ™‚  We got married on the deck of a B&B (seriously there wasn’t even seating – the guests gathered around and watched) – then we had a seated dinner in the great room.  Plus the B&B owner acted as my day of coordinater and was amazing ๐Ÿ™‚

Our rehersal dinner – was just a BBQ at our house that his Aunt hosted.  Super low key and low stress.

Anyways – I think you’ll be able to work together and come up with an idea that will suit you both ๐Ÿ™‚  Best of luck!!!

PS – Another key to keeping things simple, don’t allow yourselves too long to plan!  Pick a date only 4-6 months away – it’s amazing how that simplifies things!

Post # 10
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

It seems that name of the game is compromise.  Have your vinyard wedding by candlelight but have a slightly bigger wedding 20-50 people so that you are not eloping.  Even with a small wedding you can still make it as over the top as he wants, there just won’t be as many people.

Perhaps you can get married in a more traditional dress but maybe go pale pink or ice blue or a pale silver (if someone asks just tell them white is not very flattering on you and you want to look your best for your wedding day, who can argue with that).  Keep your red shoes.  Let them think what they want about them.  If you are still set on a red dress then why not have a seperate reception dress.

As for counseling…go for it.  This doesn’t hurt no matter what type of relationship you have.  This can help you learn ways to communicate with each other.

Post # 11
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree on a compromise.  If you want to wear a red dress, power to you, it can be just as beautiful if not better!  One of my coworkers wedding included his bride wearing a red wedding gown and him (the GROOM) wearing the white gown!  If your fiance’s family want a white dress, maybe you can considered having him wear it.. =) totally kidding!  The wedding was quite beautiful except for my coworker’s disturbing good looks wearing the white gown!

Wedding planning is super duper stressful and i’m at my wits end too (i can’t wait for it to be over!).  I’m wondering if stress was the contributing factor for your previous uncessful engagements?

And i doubt your fiance’s previous marriage ended because they eloped.  You should be happy that he wants to showcase YOUR relationship by wanting something bigger and better.  I would just scaled it down and make it both intimate and a celebration for the few people you both would like to invite.

Post # 12
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

i totally hear you!!  my fiance and i are so stressed out with all the crazy wedding planning.  when it was just my parents being difficult, he thought we could still manage and it would be okay.  now his parents are being difficult too, and he’s at his wit’s end, and so tempted to just forget the big wedding idea and elope.  i got some great advice on eloping from the weddingbee board here, and i’ve started to do some research.  if i can find something reasonably priced yet elegant without being weird or cheesy, i’ll show it to my fiance and see what he thinks.  he might be excited that we’ll be saving so much money and bypassing crazy parental expectations we can’t meet that he’ll decide we should go for it.

but i do realize that elopement isn’t for everyone, and i know that i won’t push him into it if he doesn’t want to give up his dream of the big wedding with all our family.  i’m not close to a lot of my family (and have a borderline hate relationship with some of them) so the big wedding isn’t a big deal to me, but he’s very close to his family and wants them all to be involved in his big day.  in the end, because we love each other, i know we will be able to figure something out that makes both of us happy.  neither of us wants to get our way at the expense of the other person’s sanity and happiness!

Post # 14
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I totally sympathize.  I somehow thought we would go to the courthouse, and then just be married!  I have told FI dozens of times that I agreed to marry him, not to plan or even have a wedding!  But it is really important to him, and to my mom.  Like yours, he has been married before, but actually never had a wedding (although he doesn’t think that’s anything to do with why his marriage failed).  But he absolutely wants something completely different from his last wedding experience, and I can see that.  Plus he gets so excited about the planning – which is really sweet.  But he knows I’m not a girly-girl, never have been, not planning to change in a big way.

If its any help, here’s what I did:  First I made it clear that I was not going to plan some big party that I didn’t even want, just because he (and my mom) did.  So they needed to help out bigtime – and they are.  Second – I decided on a few things I really wasn’t willing to compromise about (no church wedding, no big bridal party, no lace and sequins).  I did completely surprise myself (and FI and mom) by ordering a sort of french vanilla colored dress (I was soooooo not shopping for white).  So I would leave yourself open to an occasional bridal impulse along the way.  I have discovered that I get more caught up in at least some of the details along the way (I am having a great time planning the music – we have a wonderful jazz combo with a torch singer, and they are big fun).

And while none of us are getting exactly what we originally wanted, I think we’ll all be happy with what we get.  And that’s sort of what marriage is, isn’t it? And seriously, nobody is going to think you’re a harlot because you wear red.  Just the same way that nobody is going to think wearing white means you’re announcing your virginity.  I ahve a girlfriend at work (who is a girly-girl) who got married in a fabulous red ballgown.  She wanted to make a statement.  I think she succeeded!  And she looked great.

Post # 15
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

And hey, let us know how it goes!  I, for one, am happy you are here.  And maybe you can have as much fun as I am… being the weird bride who doesn’t want the wedding while her FI does.  The guys I work with (bunch of construction workers and engineers) find the stories hilarious on an ongoing basis.  I have friends from all over the country buying plane tickets if only because they wouldn’t miss seeing me in an actual wedding dress (and wouldn’t believe the pictures hadn’t been photoshopped if they didn’t see it in person). 

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