Weddings – they're not about the bride

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church

Our wedding has nothing to do with us besides being the place and time where/when we get married. We’re only having a wedding for our family and friends — we view the wedding for them and the marriage for us.

I don’t understand the whole ‘this day is about the bride’ thing — I guess I just don’t like that kind of attention.

Post # 5
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bride12713:  When I started planning my wedding my father said the wedding is what the parents want.  Like I dont get a say in the matter.  Well, that didnt go over very well!!!  He quickly learned his place and I planned the wedding I wanted.  Sometimes you just have to be upfront and honest with everyone.  Sorry your wedding isnt what you wanted.

Post # 6
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@bride12713:  I was naive and thought everyone would accept our choices and what we wanted to do for our day.  Despite even hearing those things from family, ultimately they wanted things planned the way they wanted.  It was not about us.  Wedding planning was extremely stressful, emotional, and dramatic and I was not prepared for that AT ALL.  I believe weddings are about the couple, so it was a hard concept for me to swallow. 

We tried to be inclusive of others’ wants and feelings while still being true to ourselves.  It was never good enough.  It’s true though, you’ll never please everyone.

I now wonder what other milestones will be like.  Our wedding wasn’t about us, it was for everyone else.  What does that mean when we have a baby?  We’ll have to share it with everyone else too?

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

I did everything I could to make our wedding not about me.  Of course, much of it was about US, but the only reason we had a wedding was so we could celebrate with our friends and thank our parents.  My mom wanted to invite friends? No problem. My MIL wanted to invite friends? No problem.  Tell me I look beautiful? “Thank you, how is the food. Have you had enough to eat?”

We had a fantastic day, and our guests danced all night. Even my mother danced.  I keep hearing from people it was “the best wedding reception ever”, and while I’m sure that’s not the truth entirely, I’m also sure that our guests had a grand time, because my focus has always been about ensuring that, and every decision I made every step of the way had that as the primary consideration.  I’ve never seen my SIL, MIL and my own mother so happy.  I made compromises from what I would have wanted if you’d asked me 2 years ago to describe my perfect wedding, but I wouldn’t change a thing.

Post # 8
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I completely understand this. I want to elope with just mine and my FI’s parents and siblings (& their partners). Instead, I’m having a 100 person wedding because I don’t want to hurt extended family. I’m really not looking forward to all the attention.

Post # 9
Member
7259 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I can happily say that our wedding was most definitely about DH and myself. We kept it small, only 40 guests, and we did the things that were important to us.

Post # 10
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bride12713:  I am totally with you. I can’t stand when people say the wedding is about the bride, or even when they say it’s about the bride and groom.  It’s also about the joining of two families.  While many brides have dreamed of their wedding day, their parents have also dreamed of what the day would be like and I think it’s important to incorporate that.  DH and I are interfaith, but neither of us are religious.  It was important to our parents to have religious aspects in the wedding and so we obliged them because it makes us happy to make them happy.  It wasn’t hurting use to light a unity candle and get married under a chuppah so why would we pitch a fit about it not being what we wanted?!  And your reception is utlimately for your guests, so their comfort should be the priority.

I can’t say my wedding was about US and only us. We made compromises and sacrifices, but it was the most perfect day and better than I ever could have imagined.  So, you can have it all – happy bride and groom and happy family!

Post # 11
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I also am only having the wedding for our families. FI is FMIL’s only son, and I’m my mom’s only daughter. FSIL is already married, and I’m the only person in my family who will get married. Plus my mom is super duper Catholic and so is our whole, huge, family so a wedding is a SUPER BIG DEAL!

But I don’t want it. It’s too much work and too much drama and too many people ho aren’t me telling me what I should want and should do. I legitimately can’t wait for the wedding to be OVER. I just want to be married to my best friend so we can continue our awesome life together. And I want that butler serving me mimosas on the beach in Jamaica on our Honeymoon, lol!

I see where you’re coming from. Only I’m not as lucky to have had such a wonderful family as it sounds like yours was. Mine is more into the formalities and the “family obligation” of the day. Psh.

Post # 12
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

At first, I did everything to try to please my family. 

You can’t please everybody.  You really can’t.  We ended up just canceling everything and flying to Paris to get married out of frustration because when you try to please everyone, you please no one. 

When we made the wedding about us, that’s when we really started to enjoy it. We were happy, and that made our families happier than any party could.

In the end, the family enjoyed it too! 

Post # 14
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hey twin. This is exactly how i felt the whole time planning my wedding.  I took the approach that i was giving our families one day and that we would get the rest of our lives. Removing myself from the event really helped. I literally “played” the bridal part.  The second i turned the corner to walk town the aisle i was the blushing bride and i played the happy part the industry wanted.  But realistically i hated it. I hated being the center of attention, and i hated that i planned for a year for a day that everyone else made about them and not us.  

However, its been a few weeks and i love being married.  So really, i win lol. 

Post # 15
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

That was exactly our approach. “The wedding is for family, the marriage is ours” was the motto. We weren’t able to make everyone happy, but we were able to respect and honor everyone, even though that meant doing things we didn’t want to do. We wanted something intimate, his family wanted giant. We ended up with giant and while it wasn’t our original plan, respecting their wishes was important to us. It showed them how much we value them and resulted in a great relationship between us. In hindsight, the discomfort of the wedding planning experience was all worth it for a lifetime of a respectful and happy relationship.

Post # 16
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@bride12713:  Well said!!  What is really ironic about my situation is that our families are LEAVING US ALONE.   They have not pried, requested, said ‘let us know what you need’, and ‘let us know if you want us to contribute’, etc.  An almost ideal situation for many marriages-to-be.

And yet, I sit here frustrated that they do not actually care more.  That they are not asking questions, or giving us insight, or telling us WHAT they think they may want to contribute toward – not that it is needed, because we are totally fine paying for it all, but I would never ASK for money either!

So, on one hand, I should be thanking my lucky stars that we can do it our way, and on the other hand, I want them all to be more invested in this huge occassion, more excited across the board, and feel we are coming together as a family. 

There is a lot of other things going on – on his side primarily, things that give me anxiety, because no one is addressing them at all.  Regardless, I thought our engagement would give us a reason to celebrate something GREAT, and *maybe* bring everyone together a bit more.  Guess not…?!

 

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