Weight gain affecting relationship

posted 2 years ago in Wellness
Post # 2
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

get active.  go on hikes together.  go bike riding, etc.  plenty of options to be outdoors and be active without it seeming like being stuck at the gym to workout.

unless you want to work out at a gym too.

Post # 3
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

uncltredpearl:  yeah, find some sports you guys both enjoy… go for a run every evening… go biking, hiking, rollerblading… also maybe adapt a healthier diet… cook some healthy meals together

Post # 4
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

uncltredpearl:  Have you tried telling her what you’re telling us?  That it actually hurts you to hear her put herself down like that?  Compliments can be hard to believe, if she’s feeling depressed.  She might ‘hear’ you better if you tell her how it makes you feel when she talks badly about herself.

Post # 6
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

uncltredpearl:  first off, you seem like such an amazing, supporting, loving partner! It’s so lovely to hear the way you talk about her and it’s obvious you truly care about her and your relationship.

I think you’re doing what you can for the most part (besides pushing for more active stuff to do together, which is a great suggestion) but I wanted to know if you’d thought about suggesting therapy? As someone who struggled with an eating disorder for the better part of my late teens and 20s, I definitely detect signs of very unhealthy thought patterns, self-punishment, and potentially body dysmorphia (or the beginnings of it). It would be one thing if she just made a lot of comments about her weight, but I think this kind of talk is crossing the line from that into something deeper. If that’s the case, even if she does lose the weight, her underlying problems will still remain and thats when the real body dysmorphia will set in. You definitely don’t want things to get that far if you can help it.

I understand what a PP said about telling her that it hurts YOU when she talks like that — and that is a valid point and to most people, avoiding hurting someone they love by hurting themselves would be an easy motivator not to do it anymore. But again, as someone who has been through the hell and back that comes with body image issues and disordered eating, that sort of statement is likely to just make her sink deeper into the very self-loathing, guilt, and feelings of lack of control that is putting her there in the first place. For this and the above reasons, I would really suggest addressing some of this alongside someone who can guide the conversation.

Maybe you can suggest you guys go to counseling together if you are afraid she would not take the suggestion well? You could always approach it from the angle that you see engagement and marriage for the two of you in the future, and you want to make sure you are doing everything you guys can to prepare for a successful marriage. My now husband and I did this — went to therapy just to have a professional walk us through all issue that should be addressed before marriage even though we had no obvious “problems” — and it was great. That way, it’s not you saying to her hey, i think you “need help” and it’s all on her. Once in therapy, you can discuss how you’ve both been concerned about weight and health and can address those issues with the therapist. Maybe from there she would be interested in continuing with some private sessions focused on her eating.

The other thing that might help both of you is consulting a licensed nutritionist, especially one that has experience or specialty with disordered eating. This person can help her (and you) understand the technical mechanics behind how food behavies in the body and how weight gain really works, and ALSO can help teach you to discern when you need to eat and when it’s emotionally driven, and how to break these patterns.

Best of luck to both of you. My heart truly goes out to her when I hear the things she’s been saying about herself.

 

Post # 9
Member
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

uncltredpearl:  Sounds like she might be depressed. If she wouldn’t get a kick out of meeting a physical challenge (dreadful but the afterglow is always wonderful), would she consider meeting with a nutritionist, dietician, counselor or therapist to help address some of her problems?

In the interim, I can’t help but feel that she’s saying those hurtful things out loud to 1) get you to counter them and tell her they are not true (momentarily boosting her self-esteem) and 2) to beat you to the punch because that’s what she’s afraid you are actually thinking about her.

I’ve been in her position. I imagine she’s really feeling like shit… shittier than her words can adequately convey. I felt like shit for a number of years and it affected my relationship with FH. I went to a life coach, psychologist, MSW#1, MSW#2 and so on until something clicked and I decided to make a change. Now, the only person I see is a personal trainer and I hate it but I love it at the same time.

She needs to make the change. You can only be there to support her.

Post # 10
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

uncltredpearl:  In your efforts to become healthy together, she may be seeing a quick transformation in you, because (let’s be honest), men can look at a piece of fruit and lose 5 lbs, whereas with women it is a more steady process…usually!  So, she may being seeing you look better, which is directly causing her to feel ‘worse’.  Is this YOUR fault?!  Nope.  Should you stop being active?  Absolutely not!!

I love your support, and your kind words.  I love to read that no matter what, you love her and want to HER to feel better – not by what the scale reads, but by how she feels.  That is incredible.

My DH and I are NOT active together.  We have found no common ground on activity level.  He is on his feet all day at work, and does the yard work, but that is about it.  He has always had a naturally ‘muscular’ and thin physique.  I, on the other hand, need to work at making myself feel better.  I run – almost daily, because it makes me feel better, and makes me feel less guilty when get ice cream together.  There has always been an enjoyment in working out, but there has also been times I have forgotten that enjoyment existed.  

It took a little TOUGH love from my partner, the man I trust to remind me of how I feel, or how different I become when I stop doing the things I enjoy.  It started with the ‘you ARE beautiful’ (when I would complain), or the ‘I love you no matter what’ (when I questioned it).  I think he realized he needed to gently ‘put it out there’.  It was a hard conversation, but it completely opened my eyes.  He stated, along the lines, that my confidence alone had changed.  I had become someone he did not recognize; not going out, not having as much fun sexually; wearing baggy clothes, and not wanting to ‘go out’ and be out with friends, because I looked horrendous…all the time.  I was missing out on joys of life, so by default he was too, and it was directly impacting our relationship.  I got angry, I cried, and then I realize he was right.  And I was THANKFUL he tough loved me.  

It was not about losing weight, but about FEELING GOOD, and although we did not become active together, we had a lot of fun becoming healthier together.  We would grocery shop together, cook better meals together, try some really awesome things, and laugh when our concotions turned out horrible.  We made, and packed saladsfor our lunches together every day.  And, we vowed that dinners out were to be once every two weeks.  And, we had a cheat day, where we would eat ice cream, or whatever.  

By default, we a) saved money (win), and b) spent more time together – smiling, laughing and having fun.  By the time he proposed, and we had our engagement pics and subsequently, a wedding, I had never been happier and felt better.  He agreed – obviously.  

I think if you can do those small things with her, it will make a difference.  It sounds like she is in a pretty bad place, as far as confidence goes, and maybe none of this will fix that.  Maybe she needs to talk to someone about valuing herself, but I hope she also realizes you are on her side, 100% no matter what.

Good luck!!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  OUgal0004.
Post # 11
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

uncltredpearl:  if she doesn’t like sweating, how about giving swiming a try… definitly a workout where you don’t feel sweaty… and also involves a lot of muscles at the same time.

Post # 12
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

uncltredpearl:  

Whenever my FI puts himself down (whether it be about weight, looks, or skills) I scold him just the same as I would if it were someone else saying that about him. I tell him that I wouldn’t let anyone else talk about him like that and I won’t let him do it either!

 

It’s really difficult with girls and self esteem. Maybe she can see a therapist about emotional eating? There are A LOT of people with that issue, she isn’t alone.

Post # 13
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

uncltredpearl:  What about a fun dance class? It can be something you do together (salsa, tango, ballroom)

or maybe something she would enjoy by herself or another GF (zumba, hula etc) They don’t have to be labeled as work outs, but trust me they are GREAT work outs!

You really sound like you are doing all you can, at some point she is going to have to take the reigns on her emotions. What aboyut if you both join weight watchers? Sometimes it can help attending meetings and seeing others going through your same struggles, plus she may find someone who she can confide in there (thing about her weight she may feel uneasy expressing to you)

Go to a theme park for the day! You will walk miles without even noticing. 

Post # 14
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My DH and I have had the weight discussion. We had both gained weight and were unhappy about it. What helped the talk was his doctor’s appointment. They did the standard cholesterol and blood glucose tests, and he was high on both. So it wasn’t a “we don’t like the way we look” discussion, it was a “we don’t want to be diabetic and taking cholesterol meds, this is for our long term health” discussion. It took the personal aspect out of it, and made it easier to talk. A year later (and a lot of lifestyle changes later), his BG is normal, both our cholesterol levels are normal, and we both dropped a LOT of weight. So when she goes in for her yearly checkup, talk about it. 

Post # 15
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

I’ve been there! Gained 30+ pounds though I was in denial until just recently, but before I started eating better I’d just put myself down as well. Whenever my husband would call me ” beautiful” I wouldn’t believe it and when he didn’t I’d take it as a confirmation that I wasn’t- he just couldn’t win.

I’ve also struggled with my eating ( bulimia/ crash dieting) and agree with pp that this is something she has to want to do and work for and you should just support her. Maybe she should see a nutritionist to help her? Or therapy for her self esteem issues? I haven’t done either though I should. What about looking for light work out videos? Or maybe you guys could do something fun that also burns calories like go to the beach/ zoo/ water park.

Also, two things that have helped me the most were less junk food + myfitnesspaL. 

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