Weird situation with a friend…not sure what to do

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I think this ones easy. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT have this “Leah” girl as your BM. That will just open up a whole new can of worms! Besides, if ‘Alan’ does propose, she’ll probably try and make your weddign about her wedding.. (From what I’ve read she’s the sort of person to do that) 

I had a friend whom had been with her BF for 14 months or so before FI and myself got engaged and she was a bit the same “how are you engaged? You haven’t been together long enough..” etc but FI and I lived together for 1.5 years out of the 2 we were dating, so we knew each others habits etc.. Every relationship is different and therfore every engagement is too, and happens at different times during peoples lives.

IMO, “Leah” and “Alan” seem to be trying to rush into being engaged. Which possibly isn’t a good thing. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

 

Post # 4
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

I second what Sunbeam-bride said – don’t ask her to be a BM.  You’re going to want your girls to be supportive and helpful through the process.  If she asks, I would just say that if she’s getting engaged you don’t want to over burden her.  Trust me, it’s a lot easier to get someone to be ok with not being a bridesmaid than it is to kick them out once they’re in if it isn’t working out.

Post # 6
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I can imagine how difficult it is for you. If you chose her as a BM, then that means you feel very close and trusting of her, and seeing her react like that at your happy news instead of congratulating you must be very shocking and frustrating. Perhaps you have many things in common or have known each other for a long time, perhaps you used to hang out often and have been and possibly still are in good terms, but know that a friend will never react so selfishly at such a big, happy announcement. That proves not only that she doesn’t care much about your big moment, but all she sees is the insignificant factors such as the time frame of the relationship and the material luxury that the ring represents. If I were you, I wouldn’t have her as my BM, absolutely not. And I would try to take a bit of distance from her. Her jealousy and insecurities will probably end up harming you in some way. 

Post # 7
Member
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why is she your friend? I’m sure she acts selfish and like “its all about her” all the time. Is this really someone you want in your life? I agree w/PP do not have her in your BP that will equal drama!

Post # 8
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

AnnaP86:  Totally agree that you shouldn’t ask her to be BM, that was my first thought when you mentioned it in the original post!

Some people are just so self-involved that no matter what happens in your life, they’ll make it about them. Its very unfortunate but at the end of the day I think you just need to feel bad for them because that must be a very sad way to live!

I would also question if she’s really worth being close friends with because she honestly sounds like a bit of a nightmare.. obviously you don’t need to drop her altogether but maybe reasses how much effort and emotion you put in to the relationship. I cut off a friendship of 10 years because of that sort of drama and i’ve never regretted it lol

In terms of speaking to her about it, if you feel you need to get it off your chest then do, if you don’t want the confrontation, don’t. Its up to you. By the sound of it though she just won’t get what the issue is!

My advise would be to make sure you surround yourself with people who love, care and support you and your FI. The people around you can have a very influential effect on how you experience this special time in your lives!

Post # 9
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

O vey. I bet she’ll engaged in a week and will do anything possible to make sure her wedding is before yours. She sounds like that kind of person.  Do not let this girl be a part of your bridal party, picture this post times ten all through out your engagement.  Weddingbee will be here to hear your complaints but we can only do so much to help you through these situations.  Don’t confront or anything just avoide wedding talk from now on and maybe distance yourself a bit until their relationship is on more stable ground. Good luck girl cuz this will be an interesting time for your friendship.

Post # 9
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Double post!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Pickle7.
Post # 11
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

just don’t have her as a bridesmaid.  She sounds like a trainwreck BM in the making.  Also dont tell her ANY details of your wedding during the planning process, unless you want to see her walk down the aisle in your dress, with your flowers, in your colors and hold the reception in the same place as you.  Probably on the day before your wedding.  

 

the sh*t she pulled would have pissed me the eff off to be honest.  I do not understand girls who are so obsessed with getting engaged that they loose all decency when their friends get engaged before them.  

 

Your relaionship sounds stable, and hers does not.  Congrats on your engagement btw!!  Tres exciting!

Post # 12
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

AnnaP86:  I would recommend looking up Borderline Personality Disorder and reading about it. That will give you your answers.

Post # 13
Member
6030 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You said you know she’s got insecurities. This sounds like her insecurities are running wild and no matter how happy she is for you, she won’t be able to shut up about herself till she gets her insecurities under control. Part of being a true friend is seeing our friends as they truly are, warts and all, and choosing to accept and love them anyway. If you wish to remain friends with her, then have her as a bridesmaid but go into it fully aware of her personality flaws and set your expectations accordingly. If you choose not to have her as a bridesmaid, that’s fine too, but do understand that she may see that as a de facto rejection and that might put her insecurities into play to the point where you end up not being friends any more (or she may be completely fine with that— hard to guess— just know it is a risk you take).

Post # 14
Member
808 posts
Busy bee

AnnaP86:  Whatabitch. Definitely don’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. That said, I wouldn’t bring up her selfish and embarassing reaction to your engagement unless she corners you into telling her why you didn’t choose her.

Post # 15
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Definitely do NOT have her as a bridesmaid. You already know you’ll regret it.

Honestly, I’m not totally sure why you expected her to have any reaction other than the one you got. It super sucks, I know, but it’s definitely not surprising and you shouldn’t let it get to you. That girl only cares about herself (obviously).

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