well he's off to prison!! Sorry.. long

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Sometimes love is blind. 🙁
It seems her love for him overshadowed all the things that were clearly wrong to everyone else. Sometimes in a relationship love just isn’t enough. I really hope that all the people who told her he was no good aren’t saying “I told you so” now. It’s probably the last thing she needs. I am glad she has you to tell her you are there for her and just be by her side during this awful time. I am sure it will take time and I think it’s good that you aren’t bringing up all the great things in your life right now at this moment. Eventually when she starts to heal maybe it will be good for her to see your great relationship, you happy having children, and she will hopefully want those things and see in your relationship how a good, normal, stable relationship can be and maybe find that for herself.
People are getting married and having children later in life anyway I feel. Thirty isn’t that old. If she were to find the right person in a couple of years she could be married and starting a family. It won’t happen though until she is over this guy. I am sure he is going away for many years, but do you think that will stop her from contacting him? Or do you think she loves him so much she will try to work things out long distance? I think the best thing you can do it what you are doing. Just be there for her. Remind her how much people care and think well of her.

Post # 4
Member
3200 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Ouch.  Well I hope she decides NOT to wait for him.  He seems to be a lifer when it comes to prison.  Hopefully she will find the strength to move on with her life.

Post # 5
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

You are being a good friend by being honest with her and trying to look out for her. These types of situations can be tricky. The things we do some times when the heart strings are involved. Maybe try and help her understand she can do better, and ask if it is really him she loves, or if there is something deeper at play, such as not feeling as though she might find someone better. Hard to say that in a gentle manner, but if you can find a way to tactfully bring it up, it could make a difference.

Post # 7
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrs_ecc:  I wish some lawyer Bees would chim in and give us an idea of how much time this guy is looking at.

So sorry your friend is going through this. I think the best thing you can do is (after the initial shock is over) help her see what role she played in this. Meaning, why does she attract these kind of guys. Until she is ready to see how it’s her need to be in love overrules her need to be in a good healthy relationship, she will always pick the wrong men. 

Post # 9
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrs_ecc:  

You cannot help anyone who insists on making bad choices. 

Post # 10
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrs_ecc:  She needs to read some of the books This Time Round sugests!

Post # 12
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

@mrs_ecc:  I feel so bad for her. Just be a kind, compassionate friend but nudge her towards the truth! And I would try really really try to get her to see a therapist. Its no shameful deal, shes devastated, and talking about it helps. Tons of people do it. Perhaps when shes there she can figure out WHY she got herself into this and keeps choosing bad partners.

All that pain can be so revealing and a person can rise out of it stronger and more aware of themselves and others OR they can go off the deep end and never recover. I would be a sister to your sister and try try try to get her to be the former.

Also for the time being, just chat with the Bee or someone else about TTC.

Post # 13
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrs_ecc:  This Time Round is a Bee on here (who gives the BEST advice!). She has a list of books she always recommends–By Dr Phil, Steve Harvey and Greg Bernhart (sp?). 

Does he have friends/family that can post the bond? I’m just afraid he is going to get out while he waits for trial. 

Post # 14
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

atleast ten… non federal robbery is 5 here with no prior convictions.

Post # 15
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@mrs_ecc:  

If the bail is that high, he is probably looking at hard time. 

I must say that my sympathy runs out for people who continue to make ridiculous choices.

I had a best friend like that for seven years. Cutting her off was the best thing I ever.

It is healthy to have friends who reflect who you are as a person. 

Post # 16
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

EWWWWW! this thread gives me the willies. the situation you described is so similar to what i went through with my sister! just disgusting. absolutely horrible! i’m so sorry!

my sister’s boyfriend ended up in county prison for something even worse. our family does not normally have this kind of drama and it surprised us all that she would be so dedicated to an abusive scumbag like him. visited him in jail and got back together with him once he got out and everything.

anyway, i’m not sure how long your friend’s boyfriend will be in for, but if he gets a 20 year sentence, he could be in for less than 4 years. 

what i learned from my experience is that there is absolutely nothing, and i mean NOTHING, that you can say to her that will change her actions. she might even agree with you logically but her emotions will lead her to do the exact opposite. it’s a matter of her self esteem and childhood issues making her believe she does not deserve better. the behavior you’re seeing is just the tip of an enormous underwater iceberg. she will disrupt her family and sever friendships because of it. and there is nothing you can do. i know the frustration and anger that goes along with that. it’s maddening!

if she does get back together with this guy, there are plenty of things you can do, but i see two options. one, you can do what i did, which is go on with your life without her in it (my relationship with my sister still isn’t the same). there will be a mourning period for you with that choice. two, you can choose love and be a constant shoulder for her to cry on without offering advice and without “i told you so’s.” i am too impatient and bitchy to choose the latter. 

with either choice, i really like the piece of advice, “let go, or be dragged.” if you taper off your communication with her, you’ll have to let go of her presence in your life. if you choose to keep her in your life, you’ll have to let go of any advice you’ll be tempted to give her, because she won’t take it. 

you guys might have grown up together, but it sounds like she has some pretty deep and impeding psychological issues she’s struggling with, that surfaced the relationship with this guy. i hope she can get the help she needs to heal. i’m so sorry you have to deal with this. it really is horrible to go through, for both parties.

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