Post # 1
I’m 24 and getting married next year to my 32 year old FI. We are both on the fence about kids, for the same reasons. I have never gotten those butterfly, “omg so cute!” feelings around kids. I find them annoying for the most part (this is no offense to anyone’s children!) and I don’t know what to do with kids or even how to talk to them. I like my peace and quiet, having FI all to myself, and being able to spend money on things for FI and I. A year or two ago, I thought I wanted kids, but lately I’ve had more and more of an aversion to the idea. FI, on the other hand, has been talking more in terms of when, not if, we have children. I’m also worried about passing on my many medical problems.
Is this just me going through a selfish phase, and have any of you felt this way and later changed your mind?
Post # 3
I’m 34 and am not certain I want kids. You are not being selfish at all!
Children are a LIFE-LONG committment, and you and I both know it’s not going to be beneficial for anyone if we have a child feeling like this.
You have so much more time to think about it. I have my age working against me.
Try not to talk about it too much with your FI this way you can stop stressing. If he happens to bring it up, just be honest.
Post # 4
I never freaked out over babies the way some women do (but I’m starting to now that I’m pregnant!) and I never had baby fever. I liked my lfe without a lot of responsibility and I liked DH and I being able to spend all our money on ourselves.
But, I also knew I wanted a family some day. I didn’t want to miss my opportunity and regret, always feeling like something is missing.
If you don’t feel like you’d be missing something without kids, then maybe starting a family isn’t right for you. Only you can decide.
Also, ETA: I was nowhere near ready to have kids or even be married at 24.
Post # 5
I will also chime in and say that I do want kids now at 30 but when I was 24, I was definitely not thinking about children in any way but an abstract one. Like, it would be nice to have kids someday but in reality I didn’t particularly like being around children and also had no idea what to do with them half the time. I know that saying there is a biological clock is so cliche but the true desire to have children really just hit me right after I get married and right around when I turned 30.
Post # 6
It’s not selfish to not want kids. In a world with over 7 billion people, there are enough people having kids. THere are a million and one ways to contribute more to the world by NOT having kids, than by having them. We are all a lot more than procreators.
You have a very long time to see how you feel about it. Just live your life, and see what happens!
Post # 7
When I was 24 I was married (I’m now divorced) and even though we had money, supportive family, etc. I knew I definitely did not want kids. I didn’t like them, I didn’t want to give up my life and I didn’t want to ruin my body. Fast forward two years later , I started to see my life with one possibly… now at almost 29 I can’t wait to have a baby. I’ll be happy with just one or two, no more than that. But I definitely do want to be a mom. So I’m one of the ones who did change their mind.
That said, you might never ever change your mind and that’s totally ok! It’s not selfish at all.
Post # 8
@newcitylights: If your fiance is bringing up the topic, be honest about how you feel regarding children right now. It’s possible that you’ll change your mind in a few years. Then again, you might not. But both of you deserve honesty and sincerity from the other when discussing such a huge decision. Be open, calm, and honest with him; throw around some what-ifs and explore them together. Good luck!
For what it’s worth, I knew when I was 12 that I didn’t want kids. I’m almost 30 now and I still feel the same way. One of my closest friends had her daughters when she was 44. My sister had her first baby at 20. There is no right or wrong answer; just what’s best for you and your partner.
Post # 9
i was very anti kids a few years ago, and now (at 28) im starting to want them and think about them
if you don’t, you don’t and theres nothing wrong with that. You might change your mind, you might not.The only potential conflict is going to be if in a few years your fi is desperate for kids and you don’t want them. It’s one of the few issues that can really torpedo a marriage
It might be better to talk to him and say you don’t know how you feel, but finding out how he would feel if you ultimately decide you don’t want any
Post # 10
When I was 24 I was not into the idea of having kids. I wasn’t completely against it, but I didn’t feel like it was something I absolutely had to do. Now at 27 I feel completely different. I still don’t want them right now, but I know that I do for sure want to have a baby. If you never get to that point I don’t think its selfish, but you are still really young and its amazing how feelings can change drastically regarding something like this.
Post # 11
@newcitylights: Most of the time I find kids behaving in a typical kid fashion in public, I find it anywhere from mildly to profoundly annoying (depending on exactly how much they’re directly interfering with my goals). I don’t have the patience or the maternal drive to make the (seemingly) infinite sacrifices required to be a good parent. I’ve felt this way ever since I really considered having kids as a choice that must be made rather than an abstract idea for the future. I haven’t changed my mind in 5 years, and each year I grow older (although I’m still only 25, to be fair), I feel more strongly that kids are not for me. My FI completely agrees. I’m sorry you and your FI don’t exactly see eye to eye, but you need to have that conversation, even if you think it might just be a phase.
Edit: I do enjoy brief interactions with unusually happy, quiet, or well-mannered younger children. This really only serves to reinforce the idea that I’m totally unprepared for the realities of parenthood. And don’t even get me started on the idea of having to raise a teenager…
@crayfish: Exactly, thank you! Every single day I go into a lab where we’re working toward finding a way to cure Duchenne muscular dystrophy for good through gene therapy, and I wouldn’t be able to stay on this career track if I had kids. I’d laugh at anyone who told me my decision was selfish.
Post # 12
I feel the same as you. I just don’t really like being around kids, and that baby-fever feeling that so many women have has never hit me. Every now and then, I think what if. But that’s an 18 year minimum committment for a day dream. I feel like unless I’m certain (as well as DH), it’s not something I can commit my life to.
Post # 13
@newcitylights: I’m 35. In my 20’s I wanted FOUR. That’s twice more than two. Lol. I don’t feel I really want them anymore.
Since you seem concerned about IF you’ll ever want them, I think you will. I think you might just be waiting for some hit you in the head moment where you scream, “yes!”. Doubtful that will happen. Enjoy your time and “selfishness” (totally not by the way) & looking forward to marriage. When it’s time, you’ll know.
For the record, I never worry IF I’ll want them. I worry about getting pregnant. I’m just not into the idea. I feel totally ok not having them, which sounds different than you. 🙂
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s selfish… I think it’s a personal decision you have to make for yourself.
I am pretty certain that we are not having children. I do not have the feeling that others have when it comes to wanting to be a mommy. I had have phases of my life where I get caught up in a fantasy- how cool it would be if my kids played bball at duke like FH, or to bring them to a women’s rights conference, or to go hiking with them… Yet, when FH and I plan our lives, we do not take anything into consideration that would involve children, we don’t think- oh if we live here, we will be closer to my family; or if we live here the schools are better; etc. It’s not a natural thing for us. I’ve posted before that I believe I must be in the fantasy of wanting children in order to have them, like focusing on the happy fun times only, instead I focus on the reality, leaning slightly toward the negative aspects.
I don’t judge mysel for consider myself less of a woman (although what I hear what my mommy friends deal with, I think damn, you are a strong woman). Parenting is a choice!