Post # 1
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
So here we go… *begin rant*
I guess for some background info: FI and I have been together going on 8 years. We have combined finances and own a home together. I’ve been wanting to marry him basically since we started dating but the timing was never right. Now that we are finally living together it seemed like the right time to get engaged.
I lost my dad a year and a half ago. My grandfather has always been a father figure to me as well. It was really hard for me losing my dad, and knowing that my grandpa is getting up there in age and is losing his ability to walk, I kind of wanted to rush the wedding thing so that he would be able to walk me down the aisle and do the father-daughter dance with me. I shared all of this with my grandma, both of us crying the entire time, telling her that I want to get married soon so grandpa can at least be there. Then I said (this was before I got engaged) that if I had to I would just have something really small, but my grandma, who is a very stylish/flashy/materialistic person said “No no no. You can have whatever wedding YOU want and you know that grandpa and I will pay for it.” So she starts suggesting these venues that are extravagent… castles that offer horse and carriage rides, white peacocks on the grounds, the whole 9 yards. The venue is $10k alone, not including food or table linens or ANYTHING. My grandparents are really well off and this wouldn’t be a financial burden to them. I mean my grandpa just had an 85th birthday party that probably cost more than my wedding will…
So I start planning this elaborate dream wedding I never thought I could have and everything was going fine… until grandpa steps in and realizes that he will be paying for it. Basically, I got told that grandma shouldn’t have told me they would pay for everything, and instead he would be happy to contribute $5K.
$5K!?! Seriously!? I know I am about to sound like a spoiled little brat right now, but $5K won’t even pay for the food at a moderately priced venue with our 200 guests. I’m ok with sucking it up and not having the fairytale wedding I thought I was going to have, but how can I go from planning a $50k wedding to planning a $5k wedding. FI and I have enough saved up for our honeymoon, but we have next to nothing saved for a wedding because I didn’t think we would be paying for it.
So I guess my question is, what would you guys do in this situation? Would you cut your guest list hardcore and start leaving people out? Would you just do a backyard wedding? Is it even possible to have a wedding for under $5k? Should we just elope???
At this point I’m thinking about saying f-it and going to the courthouse and taking a honeymoon with FI and everyone else can deal. I’m so over it all right now.
Post # 3
Take the $5K, be appreciative, and put it towards the cost of your wedding. Stop being ungracious. Myself, and so many other Bees are paying for our weddings ourselves and would love to have a family member who could contribute this much money!
Post # 5
Well, what was your plan before your grandmother offered to pay? From your post, I didn’t get the impression she’s been saying this all your life. Did you put down a deposit yet?
Post # 6
@FutureDrAtkins: I would do what you orginally planned to do – a small ceremony that includes your grandparents. I am in the same boat – we are eloping locally to ensure that my ill father is able to attend. That means more to me than a $50,000 wedding ever will and I could care less if anyone else is there. Regardless of who is paying, I can’t fathom wasting using that much money on a wedding. That’s a down payment on a house (or a bunch of renovations on the house you already own, a cottage, whatever).
Your grandma should have talked to your grandpa first but she didn’t. So go back to the basics and have something small with the four or you (ours costs under $2,000 for all of us). I know it is disappointing but try not lose sight of what is important – marrying the man you love and having your grandpa be there.
Post # 7
It’s not a case of being ungracious though is it? The OP was clearly told that her grandparents would be paying for the wedding and her grandmother came up with all sorts of expensive options that they said they’d cover the cost of. To backtrack and say that actually, they only plan to contribute £5K towards the plans that emanated from the OP’s grandmother is a set back, to put it mildly. $5K is certainly a bigger contribution than some brides will get but you have to set that against these particular circumstances before accuding the OP of being ungracious.
I’m sure that if the OP and her FI hadn’t been lead to believe differently they’d have got on with planning an affordable wedding. It’s just that the rug has been pulled from under them.
If I were you, OP, I’d seriously consider eloping or at least scaling everything back to a very small wedding with your grandparents in attendance.
Post # 8
@JBishop: +1. I would use that substantial sum of money towards whatever I had initially planned and stay focused on what is important in life. Hint: it’s not money.
Post # 9
I want to add that I get having to suck it up when a grandparent dissapoints. My aunt always said I’d inherit her e-ring, which was originally my grandmothers. I lived with my grandmother for years until I moved in with FI. I was extremely hurt to find out that my grandmother didn’t want me to have it. I think it had to do with her mind going in her old age, so I just let it go.
To answer your question, it depends on what means more to you, the big wedding or the HM. You could always put your HM money towards a nice wedding and just go away locally for a few days.
Even though my FI and I are doing that, it’s not what I’d do if I were you. I’d totally do the backyard wedding and cut the guest list a little too. I might do a local VFW hall if that’s possible. I think you’ll regret if if you don’t include your grandfather in whatever you can.
Post # 10
Just be happy you get 5k. We are getting nothing from anybody – well my MOH is paying for our DJ which is a HUGE help. But we are getting nothing from our family. Our wedding will cost about 8k total and we have about 60 guests coming. Just take a deep breath, cut your guest list and do the best you can with what you have. Even if you can have just close family with you, I feel like that is worth it.
Basicaly, if you didn’t pay any deposits yet on anything I don’t see the big deal. Yeah, it’s disappointing but not the end of the world, you can still have a great wedding 🙂
Post # 11
If a family member gave us $5k, that would cover more than half of our reception costs (budget bride here…), and we would be eternally grateful.
OP – It is possible to have a cheaper yet nice wedding. You just have to think outside the box. Rent a pub or restaurant instead of a hotel convention hall or typical wedding venue. But if you want to elope, that’s fine as well. You just need to realize that there is a middle ground between a grand $50k+ affair and eloping/courthouse. As you’ve noticed from the PPs, complaints about getting “only $xk” really don’t go over well here unfortunately.
Post # 12
This seems like a deja vu post. Somehow I think I’ve read it before.
I don’t know grandma/grandpa’s finances, but I think if grandpa is getting aged enough that you’re timing the wedding to insure that he’s available then they may not have unlimited funds available – many older people are concerned that they’ll have enough in the bank to cover their needs as they age.
I’d also say that maybe grandma doesn’t have any idea how expensive weddings can get. I’d venture to guess that she may have thought that 5K would pay for a great deal.
In any event I know I would feel very guilty at taking money from aging grandparents when I’m the young healthy one who is coming into the prime of my earning years.
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
@JBishop: Yep. That’s the response I expected to get. I told them I am very grateful. I haven’t expressed any anger or resentment towards them at all.
I just feel like, from the ridiculous standards that my family has, that our wedding will now be looked down on by the other family members if we have to cut corners. That’s why I want to throw my hands up and just not have a wedding at all, because it’s more for the guests than for FI and I. FI and I would be happy going to a courthouse.
I’m just sad because it’s either I have a 3 year long engagement so I can save for a wedding that meets my family’s ridiculous standards or I get eloped and everyone gets pissed at me.
FI and I need to be married soonish because he’s commuting 140+ miles a day for work and they won’t let him transfer unless he is married.
Post # 14
I think you should cut your guest list and you can plan a moderately priced wedding. You will also have enough time to save extra money.
Instead of going on a honeymoon, put that money towards the wedding.
Post # 15
@FutureDrAtkins: So how about you have a really small wedding, only invite the people closest to you. You can make it really nice for 5k if you keep the guest list around 20 or so. I don’t know what kind of wedding you wanted but I’d look into ceremony places that are really inexpensive, like a state park – those can be really pretty, or a small chapel and then have a nice fancy sit down dinner to celebrate. I wouldn’t worry about what extended family thinks so much.
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
@fascinated: “In any event I know I would feel very guilty at taking money from aging grandparents when I’m the young healthy one who is coming into the prime of my earning years.”
My grandma offered to pay for everything! I haven’t taken a single penny from them yet. They don’t have anything to worry about financially. They are more than set for the rest of their lives. I think that my grandpa thinks $5k is enough to cover a wedding because my grandma handles all the finances and bills, so I don’t think he has any clue how much things actually cost. He usually just goes with the flow.
If we saved some money for awhile and used their contributions I think I could have something nice. I just have no idea where to start :/