Post # 1
FI’s uncle passed away last weekend. He hardly knew him and has not seen him since he was in his early 20’s. The funeral service is this weekend……in a town 4.5 hours away……the day before we are supposed to be on location for our e-pics back home.
FI did not plan on attending the service and since we had his daughter I did not think it would be appropriate to have her there. We have already cancelled other weekend things for the wedding we had going on since his parents could no longer watch his daughter (which was totally fine, we made it work). His mom called this morning and kind of, I feel, sent him on a massive guilt trip saying basically we need to drive all there way there, attend the service w/ his daughter (because seeing their granddaughter would make them feel better), drive home and go early to our pictures the next day or cancel them.
Until this morning and the conversation with his mom, FI had no intentions of even thinking about going to this service……..now it has all changed. He said he doesn’t want to go either.
I’m out of time to do fall e-pics (that I wanted so bad) if I cancel them for this weekend. My photographer is booked the rest of this month.
What do I do? Say screw it, cancel my pictures and we just go? I know we can drive the whole thing and be back, we’d be back incredibly late, but really that is not fair to do with a child and mind you our picture location is an hour away from our house.
This is something (the pictures and when we did them) we agreed on when we first discussed getting married, our engagement has been nothing short of disaster after disaster and family drama.
I was so upset after I talked to FI I called my mom just bawling……I’m beyond frustrated. I know the right thing to do is to just say screw it and be there for my future in laws ( I have never met this uncle and I’ve never heard much about him) and my FI and put my wishes and stuff behind me but I can’t help but feel incredibly bummed right now.
This just sucks.
Post # 3
@MrsFarm0619: Sorry your FI lost his uncle, my condolences to his family.
Post # 5
@MrsFarm0619: I think you guys need to suck it up and make both work. Even if he wasn’t close to his uncle, part of going is being there to support the rest of his family. Family comes first, even if that means you have to cancel your pictures or postpone them. Pictures don’t love and support you, but family always has your back.
Post # 6
This is true, MrsWBS, however, FI had no intentions of going in the first place, when he passed his parents even said they didn’t know if they were going.
My frustration is more from the wishy washy of it all. I’ll do what is right, but it doesn’t make it suck any less and it is an incredible amount of pressure on us to make it all happen.
Post # 7
@MrsFarm0619: It is a sucky situation…will your photographer be willing to move the appointment back a couple hours so you have some breathing room to get home?
I agree with PPs, and you seem to already understand, that building a supportive relationship with your in laws is way more important than pictures.
He may not have known his uncle well, or even wanted to go, but if you two (or three) don’t go his family will probably blame you. Not that it’s fair or reasonably…justl likely :-/
Post # 8
If you go, you’ll be subjecting his daughter (and yourselves) to a 10-hour car drive for a one hour service. I hardly think that seems fair and logical considering your fiance hasn’t seen his uncle since his 20’s.
I would send a card with your condolences, arrange to have flowers delivered to the funeral from your FI and his daughter, explain to his mother that a 10 hour car drive is an unreasonable thing to ask of a child with such short notice, and keep moving forward with your life.
Don’t cancel your engagement photos for a funeral that you weren’t going to attending the first place.
And don’t let someone guilt trip you guys into going because she felt guilty about not wanting to attend herself. Sounds like having the granddaughter there would make HER feel better about going, which is a bit selfish and terribly inconvenient to you guys.
Post # 9
@MrsFarm0619: Can you arrange other plans for your FI’s daughter so she won’t be subjected to the 10 hour drive and funeral?
I would say one option would be to make other plans for his daughter, go, and do your pics the next day.
It sounds though that you don’t want to go at all ( I wouldn’t either). I would follow your FI’s lead on this, and if he decides not to go, HE needs to break the news to his parents.
I wouldn’t cancel the pictures either way.
Post # 10
@ ValerieBee03 you are right, I get it, doesn’t mean I have to like it, but I get it.
He may not have known his uncle well, or even wanted to go, but if you two (or three) don’t go his family will probably blame you. Not that it’s fair or reasonably…justl likely :-
Biggest. Fear. Ever.
Post # 11
@ Boxerlover24 We do not have anyone else to watch her. Had we known sooner her mom could have but now she has to work and can’t.
Maybe I stay with daughter and he goes with his family? Then I feel like I’m jumping ship on him and I know his parents WANT us to bring his daughter so they can see her (they see her all the time but you know how grandparents are).
I am scared me/we will make the wrong decision either way. You are right, I do not want to go for various reasons, it is not the first, nor the last time I will do something for family that I do not want to do. I think we’ve all done that.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@MrsFarm0619: So sorry you’re in this sucky situation. But good for you for doing the right thing.
Post # 13
@ CakeyP You hit the nail on the head. He can’t tell his mom no, that is a whole other issue.