(Closed) well then…:[ bad discussion

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s a valid concern, given how many couples divorce over fights that start over money. Ask him to be less blunt and in return you try not tgive so defensive, then go talk about it.

Post # 4
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do you think he is afraid of your mother controlling you and the relationship in the future?

Post # 5
Member
9062 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I see his point.

You’re taking financial aid from your mother when you already stated that you can pay for those bills yourself and support yourself.

But you’re not doing that.

Instead, you’re taking her aid and putting your money into savings.

I get why you’re doing it. I understand that you want to save, but paying back debts is very important, and I can see your SO’s point of view. He wants a financially stable wife, and right now, you’re not financially stable if your mother is paying off the debts that you are responsible for.

If I were in your position, I would accept his challange and ask my mother to stop helping me. I would pay for all of my debts myself. If you’re serious about marriage, it sometimes takes drastic measures and this would prove to him that you are capable and willing to take care of your own expenses, debts and responsibilities and you do not need your mother to do it for you.

My SO and I ran into some issues with my mother early on. He flat out told me I either needed to stand up and become an adult myself or he was walking. I took his challange and I’m standing on my own two feet without her assistance.

I see his point and I agree with it. He may be looking at it in a way that makes him think you won’t be responsible for your debts, or that you’re just looking to find someone to pay them for you. Saving is admirable, but paying off what you need to pay off should be first. You can save after the loans are gone.

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@MissAmethyst:  Um some PP’s gave you horrid advice. If your mom will help you it is a blessing! The fact that you will have no debt AND savings puts you far ahead of a lot of newlyweds.

He might resent not living with you but that can be fixed when he commits to you. I would say that if this was a random thing that usually doesn’t happen, let it go. If he brings it up again explain to him how much less stable you would be paying all of your bills and loans off. show him the statistics on how long student loans take to pay off. If he really cares about yalls future finaces he can’t argue with that logic!

Also he is 4 years older so has had twice the time to work and earn higher pay (not to mention men just do earn more) that isn’t something you should feel bad about.

Post # 11
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

@MissAmethyst:  

and that’s how i feel about the moving in together. i want commitment. i don’t want to play house.

 

Smart girl! You know who you are and you know what you want.

Don’t worry too much about this comment he made. All it means is that he is frustrated. That is the bottom line. He is frustrated because you are not there with him under one roof. Right now he’s blaming the finances and his (incorrect) perception that you’re dependent upon/controlled by mom. My guess is that if you  let him work through it and spin his wheels for a little while longer, at some point the light bulb will go off over his head, and he’ll realize  that if he wants to have *all* of you, he’s going to have to propose and do this the right way.

Until then I think you are very wise to be planning a talk with him soon to clarify what your expectations are for the future.

I wish I had been as smart as you are when I was 24 years old! You go, girl!

And with all due respect to PPs, I would not under any circumstances refuse help from your mother. My goodness gracious. That is what parents are for! Someday when you’re a mom, you’ll want to do the same thing for your own kids! No brainer, people!

Post # 12
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Contrary to some opinions, having your parents’ assistance is not always a blessing. we must each learn to be independent and manage our own finances, everything from debts to savings to daily expenses. I believe it stunts your personal development to rely on anyone’s financial contributions. If the money is given regularly, it’s not a gift.

Post # 13
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MissAmethyst:  I think you should acknowledge his feelings. It may not be the way he thinks it is but that doesn’t matter. I don’t know the whole story but from your post I can put myself in him shoes and in your shoes. Regardless of the underlying reason for not moving in together, I am assuming it was discussed and maybe even planned and you must have told your parents your plan and thats when your mother said she would no longer help you financially. I see your point of view that you are in love and that you want to live with you boyfriend, and how would you know that it would cause un-need stress with your family. So you discussed it with you parents and found out that it would break your mothers heart, due to personal and religious reasons. I can def understand that. It sound like you are very strong and have a very close relationship with your mother. I know plenty of people that wouldn’t care what their parents thought. I feel that your mother helping you with some bills is not being irresponsible on your part, I think it’s teaching you to actually be responsible and mentioned a few times the importance of saving so you get what you want, instead of living beyond your means. I think you are very lucky/smart and that is most likely due to your mother 🙂

I can also see his point of view. Like I said earlier, moving in together was in the works. I am sure he was looking forward to it, and then you come back and tell him that your mother does not condone this and will not help you pay off debit which was arranged for  you graduated summa cum laude. I am sure even if he likes your parents it can easily be perceived as a threat. That she isn’t going to help pay your bills if you don’t do what she says. I understand that is not the case, but I think he may take it personal when it is not. He may think that your parents want you to choose them over him. I think he is def over thinking things but you need to acknowledge why he feels that way and explain that is not the case. I also think a part of him may be jealous that your parents help you out. If it came out in a bitter/resentful way maybe he never had that and had to work for everything he has. Which is perfectly normal we all have a time where we envy someone else, even if its for 1 second.

I do think the comments were a little harsh about not being able to afford anything. I think there is more to that than is mentioned in this post. You said he spoils you and goes above an beyond, maybe he is not aware of what you do with your money. I am not sure what happens in your relationship but maybe if he is still paying for dates and gifts and you don’t offer, maybe he is assuming you don’t have the money and then you are just think he is so sweet he pays for all the dates, dinners and spoils me…  not knowing how he really feels…. lol just a theory 🙂

I think you both were too emotional to have a mature conversation at that time. (he seemed too mad) (you seemed too upset) I am sure you will get the underlying issue once after you both calm down. Last I think you should tell him how much it will mean to your parents and how much they will respect him for waiting until you are married. I think too many people burn bridges with their future in-laws and to me that looks like something you are not will to risk. I applaud you. 

GOOD LUCK 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MissAmethyst:  I think @BelliniChic gave you great advice. Yoour SO is probably speaking out of frustration that his plans of you guys cohabiting didn’t work out. MY DH was more excited than I was when we moved in together. I suggest you sit down and have an open and frank talk about the financial situation you both are in and where you guys want to be together financially. Not only will it help dispel any misconceptions on his part but would allow you guys to be on the same page which is always a good thing.

Post # 15
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@fishbone:  the way I see it, her mother agreed to pay for her college education, that’s all. Maybe she couldn’t afford to do it up front, but the financing offere by student loans allows her to make smaller payments over time. I don’t think OP should be called unable to stand on her own feet because her parents are paying for her education. The other bills are different, but I also don’t think really troublesome. My parents paid my medical bills up until this year (I am 26) because I couldnt get independent insurance and could stay on theirs. They may be paying some of her bills but if she says it is so she can save but she has the ability to do so on her own, it is fine if she accepts that gift.

The part that bothers me is that it seemed to be a CONDITIONAL gift, conditioned on her not moving in with her boyfriend, but now OP seems to be saying she wouldn’t be moving in with him anyway. But since it took a while to be made clear here that that was the case, I could see how her boyfriend would have the confusion too and think it was all due to pressure from her mom. If it IS just pressure from her mom and without that she would move in with him, then yes I would recommend cutting the apron strings. If it’s not, and she has other reasons to not want to move in until marriage, which it sounds like she does, then that just needs to be communicated better to her boyfriend.

Post # 16
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think this is a big part of the problem: “i still wouldn’t move in with him unless we were married due to personal, religious, and family values. so to him it looks like its all about money but it isn’t.”  Why aren’t you being honest with the man you want to marry? This is important stuff.

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