"Well, when we got married we did it this way…"

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@jg780806:  Was his tone insinuating? Becasue I can see how you would be offended and how your FI would not be?

Bottom line, your parents are matching your FIL’s donation and if it comes up again you can nicely mention that. I think it’s great you are on top of things and trying to stay in budget!

It will all work out!

Post # 4
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hmm I guess I am confused as to why you took it so offensively? I mean, I get that you feel that he was insinuating your parents didn’t pay enough, but they paid for the hall which was 12K, and your in laws contributed 10K. Does he not get this? Even if he does I guess for me I wouldn’t have seen it as being offensive or shocking. Maybe I am just interpreting it differently though.

Post # 5
5935 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I don’t see how him saying that him and his wife paid for their wedding got taken as your parents aren’t contributing enough. Sorry. TBH, I would just be happy that they’re contributing as much as they are considering most parents of the groom don’t pay for anything besides the rehearsal dinner…if that.

Post # 6
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014


OMG…so sorry to hear that! Actually yes i have a few different people im battling it out with, and that’s why i went from being happy and telling everyone about wedding plans to making up secret names on wedding boards, making a second pintrest account with all the REAL wedding ideas ect..

His Parents- “well back in our day we paid for our own wedding why do you need help,you work two jobs you should have enough money. I have 3 other children dose that mean i have to pay for all their weddings also, or are you supposed to be our favorite and just pay for yours”

~ OMG What do you say to that!!! my mother is helping pay for the wedding my older sister eloped and my mom always wanted us both to have big weddings – my mother offered to give $10,000 for the wedding and whatever i want for a dress. I told his parents that in random conversation – not bragging and they turn and say things like that…”well i work to hard myself to put it towards 8hrs that will be soon forgotten…WOW , i wasn’t really asking for handouts but “i could see if i can help with something” would have been nice, even if they only offer to pay for the limo or suit rentals something would have been nice.

My sister – for starters shes old enough to be my mom, we have a very large age gap its just the two of us. she paid $3000 for her son to get married at JP and have a few small buffet foods at a club house. when i (back then) would get excited about wedding planning and small ideas “hey look at this”, BAM…thats stupid your going to throw all that money away for what…its ugly!… (im always trying to make people happy so im not going with that idea now ) when i was looking at dresses i had 6 i wanted to try on at DB, i showed her and she pointed at one dress and said how F*** Ugly it was…went on about how thats its stupid to have a dress like that, how will you move bla bla…i tried that dress on anyway…its my dress…i loved it…i cried and everything! im picking it up this weekend! YAY!!! but she hates everything i ever say about anything…i don’t know if its because shes so much older then me, talking to my FI he said shes probably jealous  because she didn’t have a white wedding, she really wanted one but her husband didn’t…so of course she does what he says…she gets mad at me when i tell her “yeah i told my FI no we arnt doing that ” …shell respond with “i bet hes mad, i bet hes not going to talk to you now for a week” WHAT THE HELL…why would he do that…is that what kind of man she married? why…OMG she makes me so mad! Then she found out im tried on dresses she got all bent out of shape because i didn’t ask her, she hates shopping and hates dresses even more…if she would have went i wouldn’t have picked that dress because i know she would have put it down because its not her style… Another thing “oh well ya know if (KIM- not real name) is your MOH i wont be mad, like why would i be mad, its your choice if you want KIM and not your own family why would i get mad…I still haven’t asked anyone tobe in our wedding we are still a year out, i do want KIM to be my MOH, and my FI said being all his brothers and one sister and going to be on his side i NEED to have my sister be in the wedding…i dont want her because the more she knows the more she puts it down… 

FI MOTHER– not only is she not going to help (because she asks my FI for money all the time she has no job, and is divorced) i am terrified on what she is going to wear…shes 56yrs old, she only ONLY wears things from the JR departments! OMG its so embarrassing- she told me one day “oh whens the wedding i need to save money so i can get my slinky dress for the wedding”. i turned around and looked at her said “no don’t worry about it, im buying both dresses for you and my mother, as a gift so ill take you to pick out a dress that looks nice”.. MIL- “but i have this store that sells really nice skinny dresses for my sexy figure”  me- no no dont worry i have a nice place that has custom dresses and will match the wedding party , i want you to look like you belong with the wedding party not a stranger- it will look better for photos” Im going to take her aside and tell her if she shows up with a mini skirt on shes leaving in hand cuffs…this woman puts me through hell and all my FI says is  “shes got mental issues” NO NO she don’t , FI other brother just had a bridal shower for his now wife and MIL wore a slutty outfit until the brother told her to change he picked out her outfit and told her not to be obnoxious at the party! shes 56 WHY does she need to be told not to look like a slut! OMG my mother hates her and said if she shows up looking that that she will take her out back…LORD now maybe i should have went away like my sister did! DRAMA DRAMA Im getting her a dress and taking it home with me because i know she would try to cut it or take it to a seamstress and have it taken in and up..and let the girls out more…OMG…who’s having a wedding??? Im having a freak show! UGH help me!!! 

Post # 7
519 posts
Busy bee

I’m confused?  You said this –


FI’s dad is paying $7500 and yours are paying $4500.  Based on 250 guests.  So, now you have possibly 40-50 more that your parents will cover, understandably since you say that they are on your family’s side and that you have more family.

Maybe now, FI’s dad is wondering why he’s contributing the greater cost of the hall when the majority of the guests, and the extra guests above the 250 are on your side of the family?

I’m not really sure here – maybe clarify a bit?

Post # 8
2323 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@jg780806:  Do they need to know what they’re paying for?  We’re accepting general financial contribution from FI’s parents, whatever they want to give will go to essentially pay us or my parents back for what’s already been paid for.  It sounds like they’re both paying $10,000 but it gets confusing with the breakdown.  Also I can see how the dress would be a point of contention.  If FI’s parents were paying for half of the wedding I wouldn’t include the cost of my dress in my parets’ half.

I’d be willing to bet that your FIL would be happy to have you tell him that with the matching contribution from your family they no longer need to pay so much, from the minimal info we have from your post it sounds to me like he’s frustrated that the cost of the wedding matched the budget, when it might have been smaller.  Essentially “we gave them $10k to pay for their wedding, then their parents did the same and we’re STILL paying $10k?!  What are they using all that money for!”

Still frustrating for you though!  You thought you were being given no-strings-attached money for your wedding.  I’m willing to bet your FIL had no idea how much a wedding costs.  Good luck!

Post # 9
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jg780806:  Ah.. I am also receiving contributions from my parents and FI’s family. However, I had anticipated some complications arising from who-pays-for-what, so what I did was this:

I asked all sides if they would like to contribute anything. If they said yes, I would thank them very much. Then I told them that FI and I are opening a bank account specifically for the wedding expenses, and I would like to put everyone’s contributions into that bank account. That way, we could take the amount as a WHOLE and budget and spend everything accordingly. 

This way, everyone would be contributing to the wedding. No one would be ‘paying for the hall and the food’, and no one would be ‘paying for the limo’, which could cause bickering and hurt feelings down the line..


Post # 10
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jg780806:  Sorry you have to deal with this.  I am a little confused too.  I agree with PP just leave everything as far as money is concerned as an “in general” fund.  I wouldn’t be trying to give anyone specifics.  Both parents are contributing, for that….. you are very lucky.  If it helps you FIL just tell him that thing will be spilt 50-50, don’t try to explain specifics.  This is the reason we are paying for everything oursleves, we didn’t want to deal with $$ issues and who wants to pay for what.  

Good Luck!!

Post # 14
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@jg780806:  Wow. He does not need to say that. Your inlaws offered x amount of money and that was their choice. Whatever your parents offer or you decide to pay has nothing to do with that. Let FFIL sit with his feelings, you don’t need that!

Post # 16
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@jg780806:  it sounds like he was gifting you and FI $10k for the wedding and then added strings.


try to smile and be happy you have the money from FFIL.

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