- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
Hi Bees. . .
So, I’m kind of not a waiting bee anymore (don’t worry, we are still together!). This is weird, but this past weekend, I went to a wedding, with my parents (my SO was not invited. . . space/money concerns apparently but then the MOB said that they thought I would ASK if I really wanted him to come, and if I HAD asked they would have been fine with it. . . what??!!). I haven’t been to a wedding in years, so perhaps that has something to do with how I feel. . . reminded me of what it all really means.
In the week or two leading up to it, I was really jealous of the couple getting married, and was talking about weddings/engagement a lot to my SO, who is not ready and was getting kind of stressed out by my persistence. So I went expecting to keep feeling that way (although, of course, very happy for the couple) at the wedding.
Guess what: not what happened. Hearing the vows really brought it home to me that marriage is a VERY serious thing, and despite divorce being a common practice in our society, I feel that, for me, marriage will be a once-in-a-lifetime thing. . . *hopefully*. The seriousness of the marriage commitment and the wedding vows also caused me to realize that in order to get engaged you actually have to be READY to GET MARRIED soon. . . it’s not just a trial period for a heightened level of commitment between two people, it’s a true PROMISE of marriage, and therefore a promise to be partners forever. (Duh?? But the “trial period” was, I realize now, how I was thinking of it before. . . dumb and maybe immature way of thinking).
So, I’ve realized that I’m not quite ready for any of that yet. I love my SO very much, and do want to be with him indefinitely, and he feels the same way about me, but my going to grad school and moving soon is really rocking my world, and NOT in a good way. I’ve been worrying about everything lately, and being very picky and grumpy to my SO a lot of the time– ugh, awful, I’ve been so stressed and I guess kind of scared that my new direction will hurt our relationship. It doesn’t have to, if we don’t want it to, of course, but for so long I wanted to be engaged or handfast BEFORE I go to grad school (in 3 weeks, eeek), and that is not going to happen . . . as far as I know.
I was/am kind of disappointed about that, but it matters less now, because I know I am not as ready as I thought I was. And, as my wonderful SO said last night when I told him how the wedding made me rethink how impatient I am for engagement, but that I was nervous about us with the change in our lives: “We’re a couple.” (as in, we’re a commited couple and you don’t need to worry about any negative change to our relationship!) And that’s all there is to it– we are together and will be together happily, but neither of us are ready to think about marriage at a time with so many transitions. And I’m going to try to be nicer to my poor SO because he’s been putting up with all my stress and worry and grumpiness! I’m going to be a better girlfriend from now on!
I will still be around here– at least if I’m allowed to be! In a sense I AM still a “waiting bee,” just I’m not really actively waiting anymore. . . if you get what I mean.