We're going to couples therapy 3 months before our wedding.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3874 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like it happened because both of you handled the situations wrong.  His lying to is straight-out wrong, and he needs to work on that.  But you need to work on showing him that you can be reasonable regarding his interactions with women in innocent settings.

For example – I see your point about the toxic friend, but I think the boss thing could’ve been totally innocent.  My supervisor, who is male, takes me out to lunch or buys me breakfast as a treat pretty often because he’s a generous guy and we’re friendly. And, yes, it’s just for me, because we’re a two-person team.

I’m sure the couples’ counselor will have good advice and suggestions. I’m not qualified to counsel anyone, but the way I see it – you need to stop seeing attempts to steal your FI from every woman he interacts with and he needs to stop lying because that just increases your suspicions. It’s a bit of a Catch 22 – he lies because he thinks you’ll overreact and you react badly because he lied!

 

Post # 4
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Going to counseling now is the right thing to do….you realize you have some things to work on, and you’re dealing with it BEFORE the wedding, instead of letting all of this fester and just get worse, or waiting to see if getting married fixes everything.  So this is good, even though your situation is definitely tough.  I am sorry you’re dealing with all of this!  I hope that the counseling helps you!

Post # 6
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@1stRosie:  Honestly, the whole time I was reading this, I couldn’t help but think he wouldn’t need to tell you white lies if you let him breathe a little bit. You are clearly aware of your jealousy because you mention it several times, but being self-aware doesn’t let you off the hook. You can’t just say “I’m a jealous person” and that makes it okay. I’m glad you two are seeing someone because I think hearing it from someone else may help put it in perspective. Jealousy is one of those things that the more you indulge it, the more it grows. Best to get it under control now before you’re married.

Post # 7
Member
3874 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@1stRosie:  Yeah, the lines are definitely different for every couple. If a coworker brought me a doughnut, I would probably never think to tell DH unless we were on the subject of breakfast for some odd reason because it wouldn’t register as important to me.

That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. What works for you and your FI is most important.

However, be prepared for the counselor to suggest that you and he need to work on recognizing innocent interactions (like getting a doughnut from a coworker – it wasn’t roses or a ring!) or getting lunch with a group of people that happens to include an old boss (it wasn’t a candlelit dinner for two!).

Post # 8
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@SashaWest:  +1 I was thinking the exact same thing.

At my old job my director and general manager (both males) used to treat me to lunch regularly, it wasn’t a big deal to my SO at all, he had met both of them several times.  My SO works with two ladies who both really like him to the extent that every morning one of them goes out of her way to bring him a coffee from a coffee shop he really likes.  He told me this weekend with a bit of a laugh “I think X likes me, like really likes me” I just laughed and said “of course what’s not to luck?”

I think going to counseling now is a really smart idea.  I believe in every relationship there are going to be times when either party may get a little jealous but it shouldn’t be all the time and whenever they have a good relationship with the member of the opposite sex.  I really think your FI will start being more honest with you once he feels he can tell you stuff like lunch dates with female co-workers without you becoming jealous or upset that he did.

Post # 9
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

People to love and care for you don’t continue on doing hurtful things. I thinks he’s riding the “I lie to you because I don’t want to hurt your feelings” wave because your insecurity plays right into it. What hurts you should hurt him, and be a motivator for him not to do it. I do think that going to conseling is a good idea, but I’ve dated a guy like that in the past and done the whole couseling thing and even the counselor knew we didn’t stand a chance. We broke up and it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Your trust in your FI is the core of your relationship, and if you can never have any peace, feel like the only girl in the world, or take his word as his bond than you’ll never be able to overcome your jealousy issues. Love just isn’t enough.

Post # 10
Member
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I feel so bad thst you are going through this so close to your wedding. How does yourFI feel about the situation ? Is he tolerant of your ‘jealousy’ or does it anger him?  I placed jealousy in the quotations bc I think your feelings are legitimate concerns and not really petty jealousy.  My DH is flirtatious and as a result women must think he’s interested , these girls flirt w him in front of me which just amazes me .  over the years there have been a few particular giris that I got bad vines about .  

 

Much like you mentioned, I’d voice my concerns but he would always take the other girls side say things like she doesn’t flirt she likes guys who do, who are…(fill in the blank ) I made a hard rule thst if he has a long term friend (meaning girl he has known for years ) then he coul hang out solo and I would understand however I said I would not tolerate him hanging about alone with one of these ‘new friends ‘ who are flirtatious w him.  It was an ultimatum in thst if he did I would have zero trust in him as I feel it shoes disregard for me and also puts him into positions where he’s sharing personal non friend stuff and potential for developing feelings for another person.  I said group setting is different but in my gut I stil dreaded hearing about him going… At first he was aggressive about it , saI’d I needed to trust etc but I felt it was disrespectful and over time he has taken my view and thinks its the right thing to do .

 

honestjy I think he was struggling a bit with commitment (we lived together actually owned house together before engaged bc we knew we would marry in future .) it sounds like your FI is i feeling similar way being thst he seems drawn to any attention from other women .  I would straight up ask him, if you love me and since you askedme to marry you why do you constantly seek attention From any woman who will give you the time of Day?  Another approach would be to bite your tongue (which is SO hard) whenever he hangs out w these people , then maybe he would stop lying and tell you.  If you act nonchalant about it maybe he won’t do it as much ? The ‘rush’ wouldn’t be there if you could care less? It’s also immature but you could try giving him a taste of his own medicine. Do you have male friends you could hang out with?  See how he reacts to you being the one in inappropriate relationships ?  Again it’s immature but it may make him realize how you feel. 

Post # 11
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lina010:  This 100%.

@1stRosie:  BF had a female “friend” like that: they dated for 5 years (lived together) and had broken up about a year and half before we met, he’d even dating another gal briefly inbetween.

This ex moved back into town right when we started dating and, since we all ran with the same group, BF insisted I get along with her and give her a chance. I got bad vibes from her right off the bat, *probably* because the first thing she ever said in front of me to my BF was “wow: she’s hot! I mean, if you aren’t going to date ME, you might as well date someone hotter than me, right?” Huge red flag.

He kept insisting we all be friends within the group, and she’d text him ALL the time. Come to find out, she happened to live in the apartment complex I lived in, and she’d text BF asking for help with very ‘boyfriend’ things: hanging photos, installing a fan, hanging curtains, etc. He never went to help her, but it was still odd to me.

Long story short, as much as she tried to me my BFF to my face, I knew she was still interested in my BF. It was confirmed when someone forwarded us texts from her in which she said what an idiot I am and that her and my BF would be back together and I’d be history. We officially cut ties.

So, obviously, I think the girl in your situation bragging to you about how close she is to your BF is WAY out of line. It also concerns me he confides your issues to her seeing as how he used to like her.

Post # 12
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@1stRosie:  I don’t believe he is a naive as you’d like to believe.

While it seems that others are highlighting your jealousy, I think you wouldn’t be jealous if he didn’t keep lying. I’m sorry but I don’t have a nicer way of saying this but I’m not sure why you would want to be with someone who lies to you…repeatedly…after you told him you don’t like it…after you told him it hurts you…after you told him it makes you question his actions…

I’m not sure it matters that you are the couple others want to be. I think you should want to be the couple YOU want to be.

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The toxic friend thing I totally get but the boss thing and the group work lunch thing that you suggested he invite you to is over the top on your part. Also your comment about women coming out of the woodwork to dote on your FI raises an eyebrow. I’m sure women aren’t falling all over him. That seems to be your insecurity talking. You need to take responsibility for your jealousy and not dump it all on him. I think he needs to stop telling white lies and you have to respond by not freaking out and making him feel like crap for interacting with women. Everything you say about him seems to suggest that he is NOT looking elsewhere and wants to make you happy. If you actually trust and believe that, married life will be so much easier.

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