Post # 1
My husband and I married in a double proxy wedding while he was deployed to Afghanistan last year. We did it for all the right reasons but are STILL trying to figure out how to break it to our families. I guess you could say we weren’t proud of marrying “on the sly” without our families present and now we’re stuck trying to figure out how to tell them that we are married. I know!, I feel childish about it, but he and I are giving ourselves until the end of this month to finally put it out to the family in a kind and gentle way that these are the facts are without hurting our folks. We’ve even gone as far as having “elopement” photos done so that we can have wedding announcements made. Any further suggestions?
Also, our families are strict Catholic, so you can imagine our elopement might cause them some emotional pain 🙁
Post # 3
Normally I don’t advocate dishonesty….. but why don’t you just have a “religious” ceremony (as a follow up to to your *legal* ceremony…. maybe, say on your 1st anniversary) and no one will be the wiser (well, except for you guys).
Your *strict Catholic* family aren’t going to be happy unless your marriage is blessed by the priest and the church anyway. So they will want you to have a convalidation. This would just eliminate any of the fuss and hurt feelings.
My mom FLIPPED when I eloped last time – and I called her MINUTES after the ceremony. If I had waited til NEXT YEAR she would have had some sort of apoplectic fit.
Post # 4
@3xaCharm: You can’t have a Catholic ceremony if you are legally married. They can do a sort of “blessing” over your marriage (convalidation), but not a real ceremony in the church.
OP, why did you wait over a year to think about this? Just curious. I feel like the longer you wait, the harder it will be. It’s like ripping off a bandaid so you might as well just tell them as soon as possible.
Post # 5
@ms.charming: 3xaCharm is right. Just have a ceremony in the church. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy, and if it prevent ww3 then why not!
Post # 6
@Mrs. Fireworks: Originally we had a convalidation ceremony planned for the 11th of August, which we’ve had to postpone because my husband is up for another deployment 🙁 We’d sent out the STD’s and we full steam ahead on that until we got the news in April. Now we’re having to come up with another solution. Believe me, he and I keep kicking ourselves for not having said anything the day off.
Post # 7
I don’t advocate furthering a lie just to appease your parents….at all…..
You’re married. If they don’t like it, that’s really their problem.
I would probably take my mom out to lunch and break it to her then
there’s nothing wrong with having a commitment ceremony later for family, but being dishonest and letting the believe you’re marrying for the first time is plain wrong, and I don’t think a priest would go along with it
Post # 8
@sylvia.riggle: the church doesn’t marry us, they do a convalidation ceremony. I don’t advocate lying to my parents either, I just stay clear of the subject whenever it’s brought up, lol. The august 11 wedding we had planned was to in fact say vows, which our priest is aware we have never said, so that in itself is a conundrum because it’s something newlyweds do, instead of just affirm.
Post # 9
My coworkers parents were married by proxy! One was in the Netherlands and the other in the US! What does double proxy mean?
When you do break the news, do it in the most positive upbeat manner. Exude happiness. If you start with, “Sit down, I need to tell you something you may not want to hear,” you could be setting the tone for negativity.
Post # 10
Just tell them – you two are grown adults and can make your own decisions. If you want to have an “actual” ceremony/reception and they woudl be super upset about not being present for your wedding – then just have a vow renewal – and they will never know the difference if you don’t tell them!
Post # 11
@ms.charming: ok wait a minute, I think I was confused by the whole ‘proxy’ thing lol
So you didn’t have a secret ceremony where you said your vows—you are married but there was no ceremony
I still think you should have a nice ceremony whenever you get the chance—but if you don’t tell your family you’re already married (technically) you might feel uncomfortable–and you don’t want that to put a damper on your day
Post # 12
@sienna76: A double proxy means that neither of us was present for the wedding, we had two people stand in for both of us. It’s something that is only available to active duty military who are deployed and their intended spouse.
I agree about the upbeat manner, but I feel the need to be somewhat apologetic about it. Don’t know…I’ll have to give it a whirl and figure out how to word it.
Post # 13
@sylvia.riggle: No, no secret ceremony. Just a proxy marriage that took place without either myself or my husband being present. I can only assume that it falls into the category of elopement which is why I posted it here.
We’re hoping for a nice church ceremony to validate our marriage when he returns in a year.
Post # 14
Well DH and I married last year at the courthouse and this year the day before our 1 year anniversary we are having our marriage blessed. DH is becoming catholic =] I think it’s a beautiful thing to have a marriage blessing.
Post # 15
Why not plan a small little “garden” ceremony before he redeploys and then do a BIG thing after on your anniversary.
A girlfriend of mine and her husband got married 4 years ago while on vacation in Aruba. They never told anyone and when they came home they simply announced that they wanted to do a wedding ceremony. Its not necessarily a lie but an omission of facts to 1) save face 2) spare feelings.
I’m sure your families will be understanding that you want to do something small before he goes and do a big shindig when he comes home.
Post # 16
@ms.charming: I understand where strict Catholic parents come from but there’s nothing they can do now so I would just have an informal conversation with them about it. You had a good reason to marry the way you did and they might be real understanding.
as far as your convalidation ceremony; Congratulations. You can speak with your priest about restrictions and requirements; I’m having one this September and my Church has told me this IS my WEDDING. A Civil marriage is only for our legal system but the catholic church does not recognize it.
My husband and I had to marry for legal reasons years ago but neither one of us nor our families considered this our wedding so we’re having the ceremony and small reception this year finally. 🙂