Were your in laws excited? in laws are 'off'…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@peonyinlove:  In my experience, parents can be pretty odd with weddings. We decided to do a two year engagement so I could finish my master’s and have time to plan. I really wanted to get as much done as I could as quickly as possible because I wanted to use my first-choice vendors and get the big things out of the way as it was convenient. With that being said, my mother was constantly saying “the people who are getting married when you are haven’t even met each other yet!” and other things like that. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking to feel like you can’t be excited about your upcoming wedding around your family. I felt/still feel pretty annoyed because there were times where I was just told “you aren’t allowed to bring up the wedding for X number of months.” 

So you aren’t alone. This seems to be a pretty common phenomenon. My advice is to book the venue as far out as you can if you know what you want. We booked ours about a year and a half out and they only had one Saturday left in October. I think people of a different generation don’t understand how the wedding industry has changed and that it’s a bigger, more involved affair than it was say 30 years ago. As hard as it is, just try to ignore her and to surround yourself with people who are into it. I was talking to my therapist one day about some family issues and he said “you may just need to find a different source of support and excitement about the wedding.” 

Post # 4
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

peonyinlove

im sorry to hear that. its really a bummer when people try to rain on your parade. my inlaws love me!! they had bugged us the most about getting married!! but …..they changed their tune when we started planning the wedding. like they pretty much didnt give a shit. they didnt offer to help with anything and they are well off. i couldnt figure it out. cuz after the wedding they are back to loving the crap out of us. it was as if our wedding was inconvienent to them. but they had pushed us for years so idk. it really made me not want to be that close with them. im pretty sure they payed for his brothers weddings also. so i just didnt get it.

Post # 5
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m just chiming in to say we got engaged in September 2013 and wanted to get married around a year later and every Saturday at every venue we looked at was already booked. We ended up getting one of the last Sunday dates at the venue we wanted, but it is NOT too early for you to be booking a venue! Your MIL just doesn’t get it.

Maybe just cut back on how much you’re telling her for a while.

Post # 6
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m in Cali and FH is in NL!!!  When we decided we were serious we got a lot of that.  I think the distance just freaks parents out.  We are both almost 40 so it was really kinda funny.  After being engaged a few months everyone is extremely excited.  

Post # 9
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

When it comes to other peoples money being involved, most couples loose a lot of their independent decision making. When you use your own money – no one can tell you what to do and it is your own. Maybe they will come around but it sounds like she is stuck on “It’s too early or too soon” – she may come around in a few months or she may be tooting the same horn. Be weary when money is involved.

Post # 10
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree with the sentiment that weddings make parents weird. 

 

I *think* a large part of it for mothers of the groom (my sources being that most my best friends are guys and I am close with their moms) is that they want to be involved in their son’s wedding… and don’t want to give up being the most important woman in his life (this plays into it way more often than I thought it would, strangely Dad’s seem WAYYYYY better at giving away daughters than Mom’s do giving away sons- so to speak).  Combine those factors with her having an opinion about what she wants for a wedding (as it is a reflection of her in a way), and you get a recipe for tension. 

 

I pretty consistently get “wow you did everything so fast”, people changing their minds about things they say they want, and lots of “are you sure you REALLY want that?”. Unfortunately I think it just goes along with the wedding that not everyone will agree with the choices you make. Once you present on a united front to either set of parents it seems to really help (at least in my case and most of my friends). 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@peonyinlove:  is the city she suggested an hour away from her (your FI’s hometown) or an hour away from your home city? Could it be that she is feeling left out that you two will be getting married in a place that your family has connection to, but his does now?

I know that if I decided to get married in the small town that my FI grew up in instead of the city I’m from, my parents would have a cow. They’ve really demonstrated a sort of ownership over where we should get married, and it all has to do with places my family has connections to. I once mentioned that we could get married in cottage country where my FI’s family spends their summers, and my parents started to scramble putting together venues and ways we could instead get married in Florida and Western Europe instead, since that’s where my family has their vacation homes. They began contacting contractors to take on some renovations before I put the kibosh on the whole thing and told them it is not a competition! It was more than evident that my parents are worried about “losing me” and experience some very late empty-nest syndrome, so they’re doing everything they can to keep me and FI close. 

My FI got very upset when my parents would not drop the wedding location issue, because cottage country is only a 4-5 hour drive, whereas immediate members of his family could not fly to Europe because of health issues. Regardless, my mother would not stop planning until I told her we would be getting married in neutral territory (the city we currently live in and where I grew up).

If her concerns are really about time and not location, then just stress to her that venues tend to book up very fast, especially for June. Stress that the reason you have a long engagement set is because you want to take care of everything very early. You can even send her a timeline sheet from a wedding planning site, since they often say to book your venue 12-18 months out. A year out from your wedding, will you be living your FMIL? She really does seem to be stalling because she probably would like to be personally involved. 

Post # 14
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@DuckEBee:  +1!

@peonyinlove:  It’s going to be ok! I’d take her comments at face value and just assume that she doesn’t understand the importance of taking care of this now. Based on how you described your relationship with her so far, I’m SURE she will be more excited closer to the date, once the big stuff is booked. Just keep moving forward with what you want! What part of the wedding planning process do you think will interest her most? Focus on involving her with those aspects and keep the non-negotiable details off the table. If you have to share any details (like your final venue choice), discuss it in positive terms that clearly say, “this is what we decided and we love it!”

Post # 15
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Let me chime in here as an older bee.  As you age, believe me, time speeds up like you would not *believe.* your FMIL sounds like a broken record when she says ‘this is so sudden!’ but to her, it really does seem that way. I have a niece in her 2nd year of college who was two about a *minute* ago in my mind. So your FMIL is probably just a) kinda scatty and b) reeling from how fast her ‘baby’ has grown up. I don’t think she means to be rude even if that’s how it is coming off. Regarding her ‘out there’ suggestions, I completely understand your irritation. Don’t engage with her on that. When she says things like ‘You should have it in city A!’ say cheerfully ‘FI and I will certainly consider that!’ and move on. When you decide on the venue, just announce it to her, and if she says ‘But what about city A?’ you just say ‘We looked into that, but are happy with where we’ve ended up and I know you will be too!’.

Post # 16
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@peonyinlove:  I’d stop updating them on stuff until you have it booked. There’s no pleasing some people.

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