We've been talking bridal party and we have a conflict

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you should be gentle but straight-to-the point.

She may say no, and that’s totally within her rights – it’s not required to say yes.

And btw… ask both of them seperatley (if they say it will be OK and they’d be in the party) if they can please be civil during the wedding process and not try to upstage each other?

Post # 4
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lalalyanne: I suggest you put this on the backburner until you have the ring and a date for the wedding. Many a Bee will admit they asked their BM’s too early.

I would just be direct. “I really want to have you in the wedding party. I need you to know that SO will be asking ____. Will you be ok with him being there?”

Time will help them to be able to tolerate the other’s presence in the same room. Hopefuly they are both mature adults and should be able to behave themselves in public.

Post # 5
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lalalyanne:  My parents divorced after 20+ years together, and my father remarried. The feelings of betrayl run really deep. But both parents (and my stepmother) have been on their best behaviour at each of their children’s weddings, for the sake of their children. And this scene plays out at hundreds if not thousands of weddings every week.

If divorced parents can tolerate each other for a day, I’m sure a split bf/gf can. Just don’t pair them with each other. If you’re not paired with a particular groomsman, you can pretty will ignore him.

Post # 8
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@lalalyanne:  I don’t know your ring/wedding timeline, but how about you and your SO ask around the subject then?

What I mean is, don’t ask them about bridal parties at all. Just casually ask them if they’d be OK with the other one being at the your hypothetical wedding (I don’t know if they know your plans to get engaged soon-ish).
Don’t elaborate or get into details (you know – for now), just say it was a concern that popped into your head.

That should give you a little hint, I think.

Post # 9
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, I don’t see why it’s any more awkward for them to both be in the bridal party.  If they’re both friends of yours, they’d both be invited to the wedding regardless, so they’d have to deal with the awkwardness anyway.  I don’t really think them being in the bridal party leads to any extra interaction, other than maybe both dealing with the rehearsal dinner.  Even at a small wedding they wouldn’t need to talk to eachother.  I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Post # 10
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lalalyanne:  just make sure if they do say yes, you don’t match them up. 

Post # 12
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@lalalyanne:  I think it’s too soon to talk to her about it. You’re not even engaged yet … if it was me going through a tough break up, I would not appreciate to talk about a ”virtual” event a year or more from now, I would not be ready to tell you my decision. Just wait until you are engaged, then when your SO are settled on a date and place (this can take months !), then you can start thinking seriously about your wedding party. The breakup will be behind them I believe, and maybe the tension will have faded. 

Post # 14
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee

@lalalyanne:  I believe the key here is not to pop the official question right now, simply because you are not *there* yet in your planning, and she is not *there* yet either in her mourning. Again, if I was her, I wouldn’t mind talking about my friend’s future wedding, but I would not be ready to say in advance, if I’m okay with my ex being in the bridal party and how I would feel and etc. This has to wait until everything is settled with you and your SO about the venue, how you plan your wedding, who you want to see participate, etc. If by then, the two of them are still good friends of yours and you want both in your wedding party, you can ask and chances are they will be over their breakup.  

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